Tuesday, September 02, 2008

My Case for the Vice Presidency

Big news this past week: John McCain chose a mother of five from Alaska for his running mate - Sarah Palin. She enjoys hunting, fishing, and snowmobiling. Oh, and also she's the governor of the whole state. I guess that's an important personal detail.

In relative order of importance: she hunts, fishes, snowmobiles, and governs the shit out of the Alaskan wilderness.

Apparently, there’s photographic evidence of Governor Palin as a child. skinning, cubing and curing a whole moose.

We don’t know much else about her, but at the very least, she has a strong stomach and knows how to break down a large mammal.

Naturally, this leads to the question - what’s most important in choosing a Vice-presidential candidate? I tried to answer this question before, in my detailed analysis of how to choose a running mate.

But after McCain chose Governor Palin, all bets are off. My previous analysis was proven completely and utterly moot. All that work spent analyzing, and researching, and interviewing the neighbor's dog. At least 15 minutes of total work - slightly less than Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience, but slightly more than Joe Biden's executive governance experience.

So which is it? Foreign policy experience? Executive experience? Charisma? Knife skills? Or all of the above?

Well, let's assume all these things count for something. And so I've been training, and practicing, and reading up, and learning stuff on the internet – so that I may make the case for why I could just as easily be the VP candidate as any first-term Alaskan governor, or 6 term U.S. Senator.

- Can run an 8-minute mile while talking on a cell phone.

- Insane knowledge of World War II, gleaned from History Channel. Self-professed expert in WW II military fashion styles across Allies and Axis powers.

- Balances own checkbook, and is CEO, CFO, COO, and Chairman of I Am The Mill, LLC - aka, owner and supreme master of this website.

- Watches The Dog Whisperer, so knows how to train dogs and their owners. FYI, Putin has, like, 10 dogs. Ahmadinejad has a bunch too.

- Successful fantasy sports manager for past 10 years. Consistently demonstrated top-notch fantasy leadership skills, and excellent judgment in waiver wire pick-ups. Go ahead, ask my brother. I'm really pretty good.

I possess other qualifications (debate club, college degree, etc.) but the above should really be more than enough.

Subscribe to my sweet feed


Dennis said...

I would love for you to be the VP candidate. I'm not sure for which party, but I think you need more vetting. Or is that petting?

The Mill said...

Not sure if this is some kind of a proposition.

If so, I accept!