Thursday, January 28, 2010

The iPad - When and Why Will I Get One?

How is Steve Jobs going to convince me to buy an iPad? I know it’s going to happen, but how the hell is he going to do it? I can’t quite figure it out just yet.

It’s as if I committed a robbery, and I forgot to get the surveillance tape. I know the cops are looking at it, and they’ll be able to track me down quickly because of my unusual gait and distinctive style of dress - just ask around town. It’s only a question of when they’ll find me.

And so I wait for the knock on the door, “Mr. Mill, please open up. It’s the police. As soon as you open the door we will taser you regardless of whether you resist us. We will also most likely sodomize you with a baton.”

So I sit on the sofa and wait for my door to be busted down, and my ass to be tasered and/or batoned.

In many ways, this is what I’m waiting for Steve Jobs and the Apple Gestapo to do. Except they’ll be gentler. But also much more expensive.

“You have the right to remain silent. You also have the right to pay for your new iPad with Visa, Mastercard, or American Express. Hell, we even accept Discover!!”

So it’s going to happen. It’s only a matter of time. But let’s be honest: the thing looks like a giant, joke iPhone. Now, I think giant, joke everyday items are as hilarious as all get-out, but would I spend upwards of $600 to get one? Maybe for a giant, joke gold watch, or a giant, joke plasma TV. But do I really need a giant, joke cell phone in order to check my email and download movies, music, and eBooks?

The answer, of course, is yes. The logic, however, is not so patently obvious.

Why do I need the iPad? Maybe it will repel unsavory women, now that I’m married. Perhaps it will keep me from being bored, and thus prevent me from drunk eBaying.

Steve Jobs says it’s the best way to surf the internet, and when you watch movies or TV shows (downloaded only from iTunes, of course) it’s like sticking an HDTV right in your stupid Apple-loving face.

This all sounds great to me, and I’m already much closer to being convinced. My wallet’s out. It’s on the table. I can see one of several valid credit cards from here. If only it was 60 days from now, I’d actually be able to buy one.

Does the iPad also feature a Time Machine function? If so, I’ll buy one last week.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Hawaii Honeymoon Review Part 1: A Visit to the Volcano

Our rental jeep. Operative word being "rental." Perfect for trying to drive through blindingly-hot lava.

Sure, Hawaii is a beautiful place. Lush, tropical forests greener than the greenest country club golf course. Crystal clear waters, teeming with ocean life – and just a little bit of medical waste here and there. Soaring mountains and majestic canyons.

Going into it, we knew we’d see some pretty cool nature-type shit. And we did.

But we also expected one of the highlights would be our visit to Kilauea on the Big Island Hawaii – perhaps the most active volcano on the planet. Maybe the most active in the whole goddamn galaxy. It’s basically been continuously erupting since 1983.

Seriously. It’s crazy.

That mountain belches millions and millions of tons of red-hot lava every year. I wanted to see that lava up close. Witness the miracle of birth – of new rock, fresh from Mother Earth’s blazing hot uterus – firsthand. Feel the heat on my face, and the crunch of freshly cooled magma under my boot heel.

Also, I wanted to see if I could dip my pinky in there for just a second. Come on – how hot could it really be? And I bet it tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers. Or maybe cinnamon Bubble Tape.

Well guess what? We get to the stupid volcano only to learn that the stupid lava stopped flowing the day before.

We did get to take a great hike across the Kilauea Iki crater, and traipse across some months old lava on the southeastern edge of the island. But nothing even remotely red-hot and flowing was anywhere to be found.
Gazing across the moonscape of Kilauea Iki crater. Kinda looks like a huge, shitty, abandoned parking lot.

Lava shelf on southeastern edge of the island. Danger: 85-degree, year-old lava ahead, below, and all around.

Across five-thousand miles, and through five time zones we traveled. All we wanted was a little live lava action. And what do we get? Zilch.

The fire goddess Pele is a stupid bitch. No offense to any Hawaiian polytheists out there. It’s just that I’m disappointed we didn’t see any lava.

And Pele, if you’re reading this post (not sure fire goddesses can even read), hopefully it will anger you enough to put on a nice lava show for the current tourists.

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

A Revelation on Traffic

I’ve always marveled at the magic of New York City traffic. It’s mysterious, unexplainable, and infuriating.

I should know. I spend at least 2-3 hours each day in the thick of it.

Every time I try to shed light on its secrets, a new twist emerges. When I least expect it – wide open highway. At 2am on a Tuesday – bumper to bumper gridlock.

Traffic knows not reason nor logic. Traffic knows not what it does to me.

Traffic, why dost thou mock me? Why hath thou repeatedly bitch-slappethed me?

Something else I’ve consciously noticed just this week, but had subconsciously occurred to me long ago: Invariably, whenever it’s clear sailing most of the way home, and it looks like I’ll be back in record time, I hit the worst traffic I’ve ever seen. Sometimes an hour to travel the last 5 miles of my commute.

Fucking BQE.

But there’s really only one explanation. And it ties in directly with an upcoming event, on February 2nd of this year. No, I’m not referring to my friend Alex’s birthday, although I wish him the best for his big 3-4.

I’m referring to the season premiere of “Lost.” And it’s taken until now - the show’s final season - for me to piece the puzzle together.

It’s all about me. It’s all about traffic.

The Island won’t let me get home in less than one hour and twenty minutes.

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Monday, January 18, 2010

I'm Back From the Honeymoon!!!

Back from the Honeymoon, with a whole lot to write about. Here are just a few things you can expect to hear about during the upcoming days and weeks:

1) I have observations from Hawaii - our honeymoon destination. It’s the most remote island chain in the world. Yet, you can easily find Costco, Burger King, and Macaroni Grill. But Hawaii is so much more than strip malls in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. More to follow on this.

2) Wedding facts and figures – it all went off without a hitch. I can tell it actually happened because I got some kind of metal circle around my finger now. The damn thing won’t come off, no matter how hard I try. I’ve used soap, butter, and lasers – but to no avail.

3) Sports scores and predictions – the Eagles will NOT win the Super Bowl this year.

4) Recipes and fashion tips. I learned a lot from my wife over the past 2 weeks - being that we pretty much didn’t interact with anyone else during that time. Like how to crochet, and which shoe designers are the hottest this season.

5) What it’s like to be married!!! It’s pretty cool so far. I own her, and I’m waiting for the dowry to arrive by freight train – 40 head of sheep, 2 dozen goats, and 500 cubits of papyrus

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