Hawaii Honeymoon Review Part 1: A Visit to the Volcano

Our rental jeep. Operative word being "rental." Perfect for trying to drive through blindingly-hot lava.

Sure, Hawaii is a beautiful place. Lush, tropical forests greener than the greenest country club golf course. Crystal clear waters, teeming with ocean life – and just a little bit of medical waste here and there. Soaring mountains and majestic canyons.

Going into it, we knew we’d see some pretty cool nature-type shit. And we did.

But we also expected one of the highlights would be our visit to Kilauea on the Big Island Hawaii – perhaps the most active volcano on the planet. Maybe the most active in the whole goddamn galaxy. It’s basically been continuously erupting since 1983.

Seriously. It’s crazy.

That mountain belches millions and millions of tons of red-hot lava every year. I wanted to see that lava up close. Witness the miracle of birth – of new rock, fresh from Mother Earth’s blazing hot uterus – firsthand. Feel the heat on my face, and the crunch of freshly cooled magma under my boot heel.

Also, I wanted to see if I could dip my pinky in there for just a second. Come on – how hot could it really be? And I bet it tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers. Or maybe cinnamon Bubble Tape.

Well guess what? We get to the stupid volcano only to learn that the stupid lava stopped flowing the day before.

We did get to take a great hike across the Kilauea Iki crater, and traipse across some months old lava on the southeastern edge of the island. But nothing even remotely red-hot and flowing was anywhere to be found.

Gazing across the moonscape of Kilauea Iki crater. Kinda looks like a huge, shitty, abandoned parking lot.

Lava shelf on southeastern edge of the island. Danger: 85-degree, year-old lava ahead, below, and all around.

Across five-thousand miles, and through five time zones we traveled. All we wanted was a little live lava action. And what do we get? Zilch.

The fire goddess Pele is a stupid bitch. No offense to any Hawaiian polytheists out there. It’s just that I’m disappointed we didn’t see any lava.

And Pele, if you’re reading this post (not sure fire goddesses can even read), hopefully it will anger you enough to put on a nice lava show for the current tourists.

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I'm Back From the Honeymoon!!!

Back from the Honeymoon, with a whole lot to write about. Here are just a few things you can expect to hear about during the upcoming days and weeks:

1) I have observations from Hawaii - our honeymoon destination. It’s the most remote island chain in the world. Yet, you can easily find Costco, Burger King, and Macaroni Grill. But Hawaii is so much more than strip malls in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. More to follow on this.

2) Wedding facts and figures – it all went off without a hitch. I can tell it actually happened because I got some kind of metal circle around my finger now. The damn thing won’t come off, no matter how hard I try. I’ve used soap, butter, and lasers – but to no avail.

3) Sports scores and predictions – the Eagles will NOT win the Super Bowl this year.

4) Recipes and fashion tips. I learned a lot from my wife over the past 2 weeks - being that we pretty much didn’t interact with anyone else during that time. Like how to crochet, and which shoe designers are the hottest this season.

5) What it’s like to be married!!! It’s pretty cool so far. I own her, and I’m waiting for the dowry to arrive by freight train – 40 head of sheep, 2 dozen goats, and 500 cubits of papyrus

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Of Questionable Value: Other People’s Opinions

Jaimi and I continue to research Honeymoon options. Maybe Hawaii. Perhaps somewhere in the Caribbean. We head Belize is nice. But then again, Delaware has beaches too.

We want relaxation, beautiful scenery, a broad range of available activities, warm weather – all at a reasonable price. And so we’ve been spending a decent amount of time on websites like Trip Advisor and Fodor’s, looking for recommendations.

But even the most highly rated resorts and vacation destinations receive a smattering of bad reviews now and again. If you take all of these seriously, then you might think twice about staying just about anywhere. For example, the Sheraton in Maui has something like 650 reviews – almost all of them overwhelmingly positive. Apparently, though, all is not perfect. One lady complained about the weather being cold, and locking herself out of her room – obviously, both the fault of the hotel.

The Four Seasons, on the other hand, has a weather machine (set to 82 degrees and sunny), and biometric locks – fingerprint scan, retinal scan, voice recognition etc. Or upgrade to a suite, and you get a local mute boy to carry your keys around for you. So even if you lose your eyes, voice, and fingers, you’ll still be able to get into your room.

Another traveler complained of a bug in the room, and even snapped a photo of the tiny intruder. By God! A bug found in a room that’s not hermetically sealed, and in the middle of a tropical rainforest?!?! How dare they!! That resort sounds DISGUSTING.

Yes, of course I’m being facetious. And even though the negative reviews may have some merit, I’d bet that these reviewers find something to complain about anywhere and everywhere they go.

They often sound something like this – riddled with grammatical and spelling errors:

“Thier are kids run everywhere. It like Disney World. Can’t have a drink naked by pool, and not smoke marijana in room!! What place is this that won’t let it? I never recommend to friend who want go here.”

Or,

“One day it cold outside. I go swim with my kids, and kids get cold!! How will hotel let this?!?!?! My kids shiver when out of water, and it like no one at resort even care to get them blanket!!!!! I end up have to care for my kids for myself!!!!!! Terrible resort. Awful people must be owners!!!!”

And perhaps,

“Food great. Room super clean and super nice. Location wonderful. Staff very helpful and well-dressed. But airplane land 30 minute late!!!!! Hotel woldn’t even give us refund for one night!!! How they call themself “hotel” then?!?!?! Not my fault plane land late. It hotel fault for not being on closer island to my home!!! Never stay here again. Too far from my home. Stupid hotel.”

Look at the terrible, gross, scary bug we found in the doorway near the jungle!!! This place is disgusting!!!! We'll never stay here again!!!

So as you can see, we have to sift through all the crap reviews and try to figure out which ones are valid. It’s a real nightmare. Maybe we’ll just go to Delaware.

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Surprisingly Stressful: Planning a Honeymoon a Year in Advance

So The Mill is getting married in a little less than a year. That’s right. I’m taking the plunge. Getting locked into leg irons. Getting hitched. Taking myself out of the game. Imprisoning myself in the Super-Max Penitentiary of Matrimony. Gettin’ my wed on.

And countless other sports and prison-related analogies, too numerous to mention here – for many of which, decorum prohibits me from printing on this family-friendly blog.

If you’ve visited this blog in the past, you would have noticed from my writing that I don’t like to plan stuff ahead of time. Most of my posts are spontaneous acts – much like drinking water when you’re thirsty, or throwing up when you get punched in the stomach. Likewise, it’s been supremely difficult for me to plan our Honeymoon almost a year in advance.

My one main job, after all, is planning the Honeymoon. If I can’t do that, then the whole thing might be called off. Jaimi and her Mom have taken care of practically everything else already.

Obviously, the pressure’s on.

How can I ensure that we’ll have the best possible trip? Do I have all potential options on the table? Are we getting a good deal? Will we have a butler? Will I be able to bring my Perfect Pushups on the plane with me?

I worry that the future is too murky to make any educated decisions right now.

For example, should we automatically disqualify Pyongyang, North Korea as a romantic destination? Or Tehran? Maybe Obama will fix everything by then. Do I really want to book the trip now, before giving the Axis of Evil a chance to earn my tourism dollars?

Will Hawaii – a perennial favorite with Honeymooners - still be a state by January 2010, or will the U.S. have sold her to the Saudis in order to bail out the porn industry?

Can we really book a flight on USAirways, United, Delta, Northwest, Continental, or any other major airline without running the risk of their bankruptcy during the next 11 months? And even if the airline doesn’t go broke, will they still offer snacks and soft drinks for no extra charge? If they do try to charge me a dollar for a tiny-ass bag of constipating peanuts, will I be able to prevent myself from flying into a rage?

Too many questions, and very few answers.

I haven’t, as of yet, even mentioned the possibility of a meteor strike anywhere in the southern hemisphere. That’s an “act of God” that could completely shoot our Honeymoon to hell – with no refund.

And don’t get me started about the imminent effects of global warming on sea levels and coastal resorts. We’re liable to have to sleep with scuba tanks if we book an oceanfront cottage in the Caribbean.

All I know is that we have a few simple criteria for the Honeymoon:

- Warm climate
- Mini private swimming pool in the hotel suite
- Swim-up bar at the resort
- Free Wi-Fi
- Stable local government
- Little or no civil unrest

Sort of what I had in mind, but maybe too vulnerable to meteor strikes?

In the end, if I can find a place that fits that description, isn’t in a potential war zone or meteor strike area, and is at least 15 feet above sea level, then I’ll probably just pull the trigger and book it.

Let me know if you have any suggestions.

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