Sunday, October 01, 2006

I am Invincible

Just got back from seeing the movie 'Invincible', starring Mark Wahlberg as a 30 year-old part time bartender from South Philly, Vincent Papale. It's based on Vince's true-to-life story. And it's probably the best Philadelphia Eagles movie ever made. Top 5, for sure. Vince tries out for the Eagles in 1976, and makes the team as a wide receiver. He's probably not much bigger than me. And we're the same age. So it got me to thinking: I HEREBY DECLARE MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2007 NFL DRAFT. A 6'0", 175 lb. all-purpose player out of the University of Pennsylvania (Graduate School of Chemistry). Here are some more of my stats: 1) can do 25 pushups without resting; 2) can run one mile without resting; 3) not afraid of twisting an ankle; 4) excellent strategist; 5) National Merit Finalist; 6) 4.3 second 40-yard dash time; 7) bench presses 225 lbs 65 times in a row; 8) can toss a Volkswagen 25 yards in the air; 9) does not need oxygen to survive; 10) impervious to fire and acid.

I expect to be picked up in one of the later rounds. I will be representing myself in all contract negotiations.


Sunday, September 17, 2006

Hi Jaimi

Hi there.


Eagles-Giants 9/17/2006

I've been an Eagles fan my entire life, and I've always blamed myself for their failures. I also take quite a bit of credit for their successes. Today, I watched with joy, elation, concern, and finally horror, as they blew a big lead and lost to the hated New York Giants. I feel like I didn't really do everything I could have in order to ensure the victory. On the one hand, my authentic David Akers jersey has never been washed, and will never taste the tang of detergent. That's a good thing; critical for the team's success. You must NEVER wash your lucky jersey. On the other hand, I have a sneaking suspicion that I was wearing the wrong pants for the game, thus leading to the team's 4th quarter collapse. I cannot yet prove this theory, and it is still just that - a theory. The only way to properly test it is to not wear any pants while watching next week's game. However, there are many more variables involved, of which pants are only one (albeit a very important one, I believe). Thus I have created an Excel spreadsheet model of my Game Impact Theory (GIT) with a built-in macro which will automatically update wardrobe variations; seating position; pre-game meals; number of visits to the bathroom; TV volume levels; friends/family members or animals in the room during the game; locale of viewing; announcers; good/bad hair day; my personal well being (illness or injuries); flavor of chewing gum enjoyed before or during game; songs stuck in head; angle of light entering roommate's bedroom window at kickoff; total cost of most recent cell phone bill; number of socks washed in last load of laundry; and many, many others. It's possible I'll have to quit my job to get to the bottom of this. But by the end of the football season I will have answered one of the oldest questions in sports: Why do I have such a strong effect on the outcome of all the games I watch?


Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Correction #2

I'm new at this. I don't know what "spellchecker" is. I don't really understand how to "check facts". I am not intellectually "honest". I can't believe this is happening, but in my last post I made another mistake!!!! WWW does not stand for "World Wide Wed". I misspelled "Web". See? The "b" and "d" are just one sausage finger apart from one another. I would bet you a can of wine that others have made the same mistake. Please forgive. Another fun fact:

Young Abraham Lincoln could run so fast that he could chase down a horse after giving it a 5 second head start. Amazing! And true!


Correction #1

In my last post I said that the "www" at the beginning of this page's web address stands for "World Wide Wed". Well, that would be true if it weren't completely wrong. There is no "www" at the beginning of this page's web address. I stand corrected. I have never been wrong before, and I can honestly say that the experience is humbling, and massively so. I will tell you another fun factoid, just to make up for that last mistake:

Squirrels lay 12-15 eggs in their nest, and incubate in the mommy squirrel's pouch. The eggs hatch with the blooming of the first tulips of spring. That, my friends, is a fascinating and unique morsel of knowledge for you to share with your co-workers and cellmates.


The Mill's First Post

Call me The Mill. I will be writing mostly about fantasy football, dogs and food; three of man's greatest inventions. This weblog, or "blog", will be updated when I feel like it via a computer with a connection to the "Internet". You are most likely accessing this page via the WORLD WIDE WEB, hence the "www" prefix at the beginning of the web address. This page will also be filled with many strange and wondrous facts, like the "www" thing. There's no way you knew that before. You're welcome.

If you are in China or North Korea or Kansas, much of the scintillating and divisive content on this page will not be visible to you. That's too bad. It's pretty awesome. Censorship blows.