Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Top Secret Weapon

I have something important I'd like to bring to everyone's attention. Perhaps you've already seen this. Check it out:

It's apparently not a joke. The Gay Bomb. The Pentagon considered using $7.5 million to develop it. The idea was to pack a warhead with enough pheromones to turn a corps of marines into a hardcore gay party. When the bomb went off, the enemy would be too distracted by his fellow soldier's beautiful camouflage-clad body, handsome unshaven face, and stunningly strong hands to continue the fight. The battlefield would soon look like the aftermath of Antietam, except the soldiers' bodies carpeting the ground as far as the eye can see would not be dead. And also everyone would be gay. And making out with each other. Etc., etc.

You're probably thinking that this idea is either pure folly or pure unadulterated absolute genius. I think it's neither, but rather somewhere in between. There are certainly ways by which this weapon could fail. I wonder what would happen if the enemy soldiers were already gay to begin with. Or even bisexual. Unless they knew they'd been hit with the Gay Bomb, they probably wouldn't see the attack as an excuse to have sex with their brothers in arms. Imagine this scenario:
You're a gay soldier. A big gay bomb explodes. You're still gay. And maybe now you're angry at whoever dropped the bomb. So you're an angry gay soldier ready to go buckwild on the enemy.
This doesn't sound like an advantageous tactical battle plan. Might as well throw urine-filled balloons at the enemy. That would piss just about anyone off, gay or straight.

Also what if you were straight. But turning you gay didn't make you want to have sex with your platoon-mates. Rather, you now wanted to have sex with your enemy - those who dropped the bomb on you in the first place!! The gay bomb falls. You turn gay. Your prime directive remains essentially intact - to force the enemy to your relentless sexual advances. A bit different than the standard, Geneva-Convention-approved, relentless artillery barrage, but equally as devastating. I think if your soldiers knew that the enemy was closing in, enraged, hell-bent, ferociously storming in on all sides to have unemotional sex with them, they'd be scared shitless. Much more so than if the enemy soldiers were straight, but were 10 feet tall, covered in hair, and all carried flamethrowers and rocket launchers. Which enemy would you choose?


Sunday, June 24, 2007

Ireland Trip: A Few Observations

I just returned from a weeklong excursion across Ireland with my girlfriend. We rented a car and drove from west to east, with several stops in between. It was quite nice, except for the weather. It endlessly pissed rain. Despite the extraordinary amounts of precipitation, I found the country to be warm, friendly, and full of beer. That's also an apt way of describing myself during the trip. Except for the warm and friendly part.

A few observations from our jaunt through the Irish countryside:

1) Water pressure is excellent - Clearly, they have plenty of water to go around. It is, after all, surrounded by water, dotted with lakes, and crisscrossed with rivers and streams. Bar none, the toilets had the most powerful flushing systems I've ever seen. I'd estimate the toilets at 8-12 gpf (gallons per flush). And I'm not exaggerating. It was insane. I think you could flush a cinder block if you wanted to.

2) Sheep everywhere - This probably comes as no surprise to most people, myself included. But you have to see it to really comprehend the magnitude of the sheep population. They're everywhere. Look at those rocks up on the hill! No, actually those are sheep. Looks at those funny dogs crossing the road. No, they're sheep. What a massive beard the bus driver has! No, again, it's a sheep.

3) Police are a nonpresence - The "Garda" as they're known in Ireland, don't make a habit of appearing very often in public. I saw 2 of them the entire time we were in the country. And that includes 2 days in Dublin (which is where I saw the Garda). This would lead me to believe that Ireland is either an extremely safe country, or an extremely dangerous one. I made it back with barely a scratch, so I'll let you be the judge.

4) No fitness centers....anywhere - The average Irishman eats about 1.5 times the daily recommended calories. At least that's what we read somewhere. But still, the populace did not strike me as particularly overweight. I'm pretty sure all of those fat people we saw were American tourists. So the lack of gyms or fitness centers is completely baffling. It's like an episode of 'The X-Files' or 'Lost'. I'm not sure how they stay fit. More research is needed. I may not be able to sleep until this one is solved.

5) Sun does not set until about 10:30pm during the summer - Now, if I had noticed the lack of fitness centers, the absence of police, and the late night sunshine all on the first day we were in the country, my mind would have officially been blown. We took a redeye into Shannon airport, and were totally exhausted when we finally arrived at the first bed 'n breakfast in the evening. I was basically going on 1 hour of sleep, and so was more than slightly delirious. I crashed at around 7:30 and fell asleep for 2 hours. When I awoke, it was still light outside. I dozed off again, waking in another half hour or so. Still light out. Again, dozed for another 30 minutes. Still light. It was crazy. No one had warned us about that, and it really threw me off kilter. That being said, I thought it was pretty cool once we got used to it.

6) Keys go into locks upside down - Not even sure this one's worth mentioning. The keys need to be inserted into the door locks with the smooth side up, ridges facing down. Not a big deal, or all that interesting. But it's a little like them driving on the other side of the road: it just doesn't work at all if you try to do it the way we do in the USA.

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I'll be collecting my thoughts on the trip itself.


Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Intern

What to do with the intern? This causes me great consternation. I feel bad. I mean, it's not like I think he can't do anything. It's just that I don't have anything for him to do. Naw mean? I've been in plenty of situations in the past where I'm bored and nobody has any work for me to do. And I'm not just talking about internships or crappy work-study jobs. Although some of those were legendary for their tiny amount of work assigned. I'll get into that later. Everyone has had those jobs where they barely have anything to do, and their bosses seem to be fine with it. It's a rite of passage. Sort of like a Bar Mitzvah, but less work and less of a party. And no rabbi, unless you're interning in a rabbinical school or something like that.

So maybe I shouldn't feel so bad about not giving him non-stop useful work? As Freud said, "The measure of man is his capacity to work and to love." Well, I sure hope this intern already knows how to love. Because he won't be learning how to work this summer. And teaching him how to love could open a swarming angry hive of Human Resources-related issues. So let's not go there.

If you have any ideas for what my intern could do for me, please let me know. I'm not allowed to ask him to wash my car, clean my apartment, take my girlfriend to dinner and a movie, wear a sundress to work, or get me coffee. If those were your ideas, please try to think of something else. Otherwise, I may have him staple blank sheets of paper together, remove the staples, staple the sheets again, remove the second set of staples and shred the paper. That's what I call summer intern edification.


Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Don't Trust Those Who Don't Like Dogs.... my motto. I have many mottos, but this is the one I live by, come hell or high water. Some of my other mottos include "I'll try anything once", "Whatever doesn't kill you makes me stronger (or something like that)", "I always bet on black", and "Rarely, if ever, eat anything you find in the trash".

It would be an oversimplification to say that people who like dogs are good and trustworthy, while people who dislike dogs are evil and perfidious. After all, I'm pretty sure Hitler had a dog. And a lot of times, Hollywood serial killers will feed one or more of their victims to their innocent, faithful doggies. So what is it about those people who don't like dogs? Why are they so shitty? It's hard to put a finger on it.

Dogs are the pure embodiment of joy and love on Earth. The Garden of Eden must have been overrun with terriers, and bichons, and golden retrievers. It's not hard to imagine God being really satisfied with this particular creation. But alternatively, if you're into evolution, it also seems quite reasonable that dogs are just wolves that learned to trust human beings enough to eat their garbage.

I don't know, maybe the folks who don't like dogs are the smart ones. Maybe dogs aren't so trustworthy themselves. I lost count of the times my childhood dog stole food from someone including me. Or how many times our current dog has pissed on the carpet. Why do we put up with it? These thieving, filthy, garbage-eating, malodorous mammals. Well, I have a one-word answer for you: Dogs are totally and competely awesome. How could you not love them? Looking into the doleful eyes of a drooling Labrador, or the bright hungry eyes of a beagle, you see the soul of a perfect companion: never utters a word; unerringly brave; always at your side; too dumb to realize the injustice of a leash; will eat its own vomit instead of letting it go to waste. Disgusting, yet charming, your leg spasms violently in an involuntary fashion when your belly is rubbed just so. Need I go on?

I think not. Oh dog, how we love thee.