Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Don't Trust Those Who Don't Like Dogs....

...is my motto. I have many mottos, but this is the one I live by, come hell or high water. Some of my other mottos include "I'll try anything once", "Whatever doesn't kill you makes me stronger (or something like that)", "I always bet on black", and "Rarely, if ever, eat anything you find in the trash".

It would be an oversimplification to say that people who like dogs are good and trustworthy, while people who dislike dogs are evil and perfidious. After all, I'm pretty sure Hitler had a dog. And a lot of times, Hollywood serial killers will feed one or more of their victims to their innocent, faithful doggies. So what is it about those people who don't like dogs? Why are they so shitty? It's hard to put a finger on it.

Dogs are the pure embodiment of joy and love on Earth. The Garden of Eden must have been overrun with terriers, and bichons, and golden retrievers. It's not hard to imagine God being really satisfied with this particular creation. But alternatively, if you're into evolution, it also seems quite reasonable that dogs are just wolves that learned to trust human beings enough to eat their garbage.

I don't know, maybe the folks who don't like dogs are the smart ones. Maybe dogs aren't so trustworthy themselves. I lost count of the times my childhood dog stole food from someone including me. Or how many times our current dog has pissed on the carpet. Why do we put up with it? These thieving, filthy, garbage-eating, malodorous mammals. Well, I have a one-word answer for you: Dogs are totally and competely awesome. How could you not love them? Looking into the doleful eyes of a drooling Labrador, or the bright hungry eyes of a beagle, you see the soul of a perfect companion: never utters a word; unerringly brave; always at your side; too dumb to realize the injustice of a leash; will eat its own vomit instead of letting it go to waste. Disgusting, yet charming, your leg spasms violently in an involuntary fashion when your belly is rubbed just so. Need I go on?

I think not. Oh dog, how we love thee.

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