Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Wii Cont'd

"Old College Days" - Remember the untainted glory of your days back at the university? The excitement of newly gained knowledge; the uncertainty of the future; preparing for exams; parties; beer; fun; sexual experimentation. Well, forget all of that. In this game you're back in school, but not as a student. And not as a professor. Rather, you're a janitor, and you have some very dirty messes to clean up! Those students are nasty!! Use your Wii controllers as mop, bucket, sponge, rag and vacuum cleaner. Did I mention mop already? You'll also be able to collect trash and take out the garbage. Choose your level of difficulty from Law School dining hall all the way up to frat house basement after graduation. Score extra points by cleaning up every little last bit of partly digested pizza wedged between sofa cushions in the common area. If you're up to the challenge, you'll be able to steal valuables out of the rich snobby kids' dorms. But you must be quick, silent and stealthy, lest a student returns and catches you in the act. At which point the only way to save your job is to pull out your switchblade and "silence" the witness. It's really several fun games rolled into one!! Just like being a real janitor.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

More Wii

Another installment of Wii game ideas:

"Mannies and Peddies" - Choose your appendage: Hand or foot. Choose your tool: emery board or pumice stone. Choose your undercoat. Then choose your favorite color. Manipulate your Wii controllers as if you worked in an Asian owned-and-operated nail salon on the fringe of Chinatown. It's all the excitement of the fast-paced nail polishing world, with no whiny customers and a fraction of the noxious acetone fumes! Wii allows you to choose from an artiste's palette of over 65 million colors. Fine tune your skills to earn bigger tips. But don't forget to increase your efficiency at the same time. You need to keep those customers circulating from station to station. Otherwise you'll be sleeping in the dumpster out back! Get a glimpse into the harsh yet occasionally rewarding life of an indentured servant, er, I mean a Manicure Technologist.

"Screw Screw Revolution!" - This game has nothing to do about sex and everything to do about screws! Your Wii controllers are hand tools. You start out with screwdrivers. But not the electric kind. No. These are the old fashioned hand-operated, wrist-wringing, carpal-tunnel-inducing, ligament-straining kind. See who can screw the fastest! On your mark. Get set. Go!! Screw with one hand while holding the screw steady with the other. Otherwise you risk stripping the screw and having to begin all over again with a new screw. Choose from flathead, phillips or lugnut. You can even choose the high-speed Allens wrench level for some real fever-pitched action. Unlock secret levels to obtain the Golden Monkey Wrench of Ra, and the Titanium Torque Wrench of Jesus!! So it's not only screws. It's also nuts! Maybe they should call it "Screw Nuts Revolution!"


Monday, May 14, 2007

The Wii

If you've been living on Earth at any point during the last year or so, you've heard of the Nintendo Wii. It's a living phenomenon. I'm sorry to say I haven't had the honor of actually playing it yet, but I've heard it's way way cool and totally super sweet. Whoever invented it was a genius of Sisqo-like proportions (see "The Thong Song"). Not only is it innovative, technologically advanced, easy to use, and slightly magical, but it's also not particularly expensive. I don't know anything about programming video games, and I suspect it's not very easy. But I don't think that should stop me from coming up with new ideas for the Wii. If you can dream it, it can be a video game. That's always been my motto. So from here on out, I'll be coming up with fascinating and fantastical ideas for new Wii games. Hopefully, Nintendo will take note and hire me as a consultant. Or something. Anyway, I think the possibilities are quite literally endless. Think about it for a moment. Here are just a few examples of sure-fire best-selling games on the Wii.

"Whip Thyself!" - It's set in medieval times, with warring barbarian clans and sparring crusaders in the background. However, there's no need to worry about any of them. You need to concentrate on flailing your own back, chest and groin with the Wii controller. A selection of weighted, barbed attachments are included with the game. The first to pass out from pain or blood loss wins. That's right, it's a race! A race to purify yourself through self-flaggelation!!

"What's for Breakfast?!?" - You are a short order cook in a dingy diner, and you need to flip flapjacks, scramble eggs, and fry bacon as fast as you can! The action never stops. The thing with this game is that the Wii controllers are attached to real spatulas and you are standing in front of a real griddle in a real restaurant in a real seedy part of town. Nintendo currently has agreements with over 7000 crappy restaurants around the world where you can go and play the game! You leave the Wii module at home and simply show up at the restaurant ready for work. You don't get paid and there is no scoring system. But you are legally obliged to "play" for 10 hours a day, 6 days a week, for 3 years. The game is utterly absorbing. A virtual world that seems almost too real to be a game. That's because you sign several reams of legal documents before you begin playing.

"Needle in a Haystack" - This game is pretty self-explanatory. You search a haystack, or series of haystacks, by removing pieces of hay one at a time until you find the needle. The Wii controllers are really quite sensitive! As an extra twist, sometimes there is no needle! However, most of the time you miss the needle the first time around and need to go back and search through the hay which you've already strewn about. As you advance, the wind speed increases (blowing the hay all around), it starts raining (washing hay and needles into a muddy mess) and earthquakes shake, rattle and roll the hay and needles eveywhere!! The game is nearly impossible to win, or for that matter, to enjoy.

So there you have the first in a long, long series of game ideas that will be posted to this site. Please feel free to comment or add your own favorite ideas. Maybe one of these days Nintendo will wake up and smell the cyber-coffee.