Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Top Secret Weapon

I have something important I'd like to bring to everyone's attention. Perhaps you've already seen this. Check it out:

It's apparently not a joke. The Gay Bomb. The Pentagon considered using $7.5 million to develop it. The idea was to pack a warhead with enough pheromones to turn a corps of marines into a hardcore gay party. When the bomb went off, the enemy would be too distracted by his fellow soldier's beautiful camouflage-clad body, handsome unshaven face, and stunningly strong hands to continue the fight. The battlefield would soon look like the aftermath of Antietam, except the soldiers' bodies carpeting the ground as far as the eye can see would not be dead. And also everyone would be gay. And making out with each other. Etc., etc.

You're probably thinking that this idea is either pure folly or pure unadulterated absolute genius. I think it's neither, but rather somewhere in between. There are certainly ways by which this weapon could fail. I wonder what would happen if the enemy soldiers were already gay to begin with. Or even bisexual. Unless they knew they'd been hit with the Gay Bomb, they probably wouldn't see the attack as an excuse to have sex with their brothers in arms. Imagine this scenario:
You're a gay soldier. A big gay bomb explodes. You're still gay. And maybe now you're angry at whoever dropped the bomb. So you're an angry gay soldier ready to go buckwild on the enemy.
This doesn't sound like an advantageous tactical battle plan. Might as well throw urine-filled balloons at the enemy. That would piss just about anyone off, gay or straight.

Also what if you were straight. But turning you gay didn't make you want to have sex with your platoon-mates. Rather, you now wanted to have sex with your enemy - those who dropped the bomb on you in the first place!! The gay bomb falls. You turn gay. Your prime directive remains essentially intact - to force the enemy to your relentless sexual advances. A bit different than the standard, Geneva-Convention-approved, relentless artillery barrage, but equally as devastating. I think if your soldiers knew that the enemy was closing in, enraged, hell-bent, ferociously storming in on all sides to have unemotional sex with them, they'd be scared shitless. Much more so than if the enemy soldiers were straight, but were 10 feet tall, covered in hair, and all carried flamethrowers and rocket launchers. Which enemy would you choose?

1 comment:

Unknown said...

yo - this blog is absolutely crazy!? Can you post a review of gremlins 2?