Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Mill's iPhone Review

So there's this thing called the iPhone, see. And it's not just a phone and iPod and internet browser and camera and fashion accessory and personal organizer and babysitter and dogwalker and game console and cell phone rolled all into one. No, it's much, much, oh so much more.

There's been a lot of hype associated with the iPhone, and after fondling one the other day, I can now tell you it exceeds your expectations. It also exceeded my expectations, but it's your expectations that I'm most concerned about. Why did you doubt Apple in the first place? You thought that cell phones were the exclusive realm of the Nokias, Motorolas, Samsungs, Pantechs and LGs of the world? Foolish. Why would you think such a thing? How many times has Apple gone toe to toe with the big boys, only to end up changing the game forever? Well, there was that one time when Apple was in 2nd grade, and played tennis against a much larger opponent, winning in straight sets 6-4,6-2. Then there was the original Macintosh computer, when Apple was in 11th grade. Finally, when Apple was a junior in college, there was the iPod, for which, perhaps, Apple is now best known. Now, that is, until the release of the iPhone.

It is a beautiful, sleek, lustrous device. It shimmers like an otter's wet fur in moonlight, slipping silently across a river, hunting for a meal of silvery trout. Otters also like to eat frogs, crayfish, and crabs, and are known for their ability to open up shellfish with their tough tiny cute little mammal hands. They've even been known to use rocks as rudimentary tools in order to break open clams and other shellfish!!! They grow anywhere from 2.5 to 6 feet long as adults, and can weigh from 10 to 30 pounds. The northern river otter is probably the kind you've seen at the zoo, as they are the most playful and entertaining breed of otter. But you're probably also familiar with the Pacific sea otter, which was almost hunted to extinction, until the 1911 Fur Seal Treaty gave them protection under law.

Fuzzy Wuzzies
Your people used to kill us for our fur

But perhaps I digress. Bristling with technology, and bulging with innovation, the iPhone is unlike anything else on the market. Its human interface is one smooth plane of crystal-clear, touch-sensitive glass. It can communicate with computers and Robocop via a USB 2.0 jack. Speaking of which, Robocop (1987) stars Peter Weller as a true-blue devoted police detective named Alex J. Murphy. Set in the near future, in the crime-ridden city of Detroit, the film gives us a glimpse of a future gone terribly wrong. The only one who can save humanity from itself is the titanium-alloy arm of the law, Robocop - a recently reanimated Officer Murphy who was rescued from the brink of death and converted into a law enforcement machine. With ruthless efficiency, he's able to cut crime across the city. But all is not well. Robo begins to see flashes of his former life, and dreams of his (Murphy's) wife and young son. With the help of his former police partner (played by Nancy Allen, also from Robocop 2 and Robocop 3) Robo is able to regain a shred of his former humanity ending the film on a high note, and opening the door for a sequel.

One Badass Robot
Robocop aka the Future of Law Enforcement, starring Peter Weller

Just as Robocop 2 and 3 each built successively off of the brilliance of the original, so will the iPhone grow and develop as Apple hones its technology. Its Li-ion battery is said to hold a full charge until after 400-500 charges, at which point it will need to be sent back to the manufacturer for a replacement battery. This is my only complaint. Hey Apple, why can't I change my own goddamn battery? Otherwise, the iPhone truly is a work of art wrapped in a shock-proof case of modern design, coated in a thin reflective coating of genius, available in either 4 or 8 gigabytes capacity to love.

Now go out and buy one!

No comments: