Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Mill's Take on Manhattan Parking

Manhattan Parking Space
This patch of asphalt is worth more than me and my brother put together

This article really opened my eyes:
It seems that people are now paying as much as $225,000 for a parking space in some new condo developments around Manhattan. Here are just a few things you could buy for that $225k, assuming you have that kind of cash lying around - 375 iPhones; 900,000 bananas; 10 Volkswagen Passats (with manual transmission, 6-CD changer, leather and sunroof); 6 open-heart surgeries (not including recovery and rehabilitation); 25,000,000 pairs of khakis at Old Navy (pleated easy-fit); 11,000 bottles of Jack Daniels; a trash bag full of heroin; 32,143 copies of The DaVinci Code; enough dog food to feed Fido for 1,250 years (including Milk Bones).
So basically, the parking spot is totally worth it. Who wants all that other crap? And nothing says you have to actually park a car there, except for state and local law. Imagine the possibilities. For example, let's assume the parking spot is located in an enclosed structure, protected from the elements. It's not exactly climate-controlled, but an underground parking garage typically won't get too oppressive during the peak of summer, nor too frigid during the most penetrating cold snap. Additionally, there's usually a water spigot nearby, and sometimes even an electrical outlet. You see what I'm getting at? Climate-controlled, running water, electricity. Sound familiar? That's right, it would be THE perfect place to throw foam parties! Or any kind of alcohol-fueled, DJ-driven dance riot, for that matter.

Young and drunk. And covered in suds.

Simply stock a cooler with Red Bull. Buy a few handles of P.I.N.K.-brand caffeinated vodka. And party all night long with the 17-21 year-olds in the neighborhood. All you need is a foam-making machine, a DJ booth, some security personnel (to keep away the philistines and troglodytes), massive amounts of liability insurance, and a velvet rope for folks to wait in line behind. Cover charge is $10, drinks are $5. Here's the weekly schedule as I see it:
Tuesday - Ladies' night
Wednesday - 2-for-1 Miller Lites
Thursday - 80's Mania
Friday - All-you-can-eat softshell crabs ($10.99 plus drinks)
Saturday - Guys' night: Ladies drink free from 7-10pm; guys drink free from 10:05-10:07pm
Sunday - Bible Mania: dress like your favorite New or Old Testament characters and get a shot of Jim Beam for free (10am-2pm)
Monday - Closed
Perhaps the best part about this dazzling idea is ease of cleanup. Every morning simply hose down the parking spot. Wash the empty bottles, cups, and crab claws underneath the adjacent cars. Your work is done. Then you can count the money you raked in the night before. Pays for itself within 6 months.

Parking Lot Foam Party
These guys are doing it all wrong: they're not charging for beer.

Feel free to borrow this idea. Just promise to send me the Evite for the grand opening Foam Fantasy-$3 Bud Light-King Crab Legs-Pimp Costume-Old School Techno-Extravaganza.

1 comment:

GREGG said...

Old Navy sells khakis for .9 cents a pair? Overseas child labor must be way cheaper than I thought.