Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Surprisingly Stressful: Planning a Honeymoon a Year in Advance

So The Mill is getting married in a little less than a year. That’s right. I’m taking the plunge. Getting locked into leg irons. Getting hitched. Taking myself out of the game. Imprisoning myself in the Super-Max Penitentiary of Matrimony. Gettin’ my wed on.

And countless other sports and prison-related analogies, too numerous to mention here – for many of which, decorum prohibits me from printing on this family-friendly blog.

If you’ve visited this blog in the past, you would have noticed from my writing that I don’t like to plan stuff ahead of time. Most of my posts are spontaneous acts – much like drinking water when you’re thirsty, or throwing up when you get punched in the stomach. Likewise, it’s been supremely difficult for me to plan our Honeymoon almost a year in advance.

My one main job, after all, is planning the Honeymoon. If I can’t do that, then the whole thing might be called off. Jaimi and her Mom have taken care of practically everything else already.

Obviously, the pressure’s on.

How can I ensure that we’ll have the best possible trip? Do I have all potential options on the table? Are we getting a good deal? Will we have a butler? Will I be able to bring my Perfect Pushups on the plane with me?

I worry that the future is too murky to make any educated decisions right now.

For example, should we automatically disqualify Pyongyang, North Korea as a romantic destination? Or Tehran? Maybe Obama will fix everything by then. Do I really want to book the trip now, before giving the Axis of Evil a chance to earn my tourism dollars?

Will Hawaii – a perennial favorite with Honeymooners - still be a state by January 2010, or will the U.S. have sold her to the Saudis in order to bail out the porn industry?

Can we really book a flight on USAirways, United, Delta, Northwest, Continental, or any other major airline without running the risk of their bankruptcy during the next 11 months? And even if the airline doesn’t go broke, will they still offer snacks and soft drinks for no extra charge? If they do try to charge me a dollar for a tiny-ass bag of constipating peanuts, will I be able to prevent myself from flying into a rage?

Too many questions, and very few answers.

I haven’t, as of yet, even mentioned the possibility of a meteor strike anywhere in the southern hemisphere. That’s an “act of God” that could completely shoot our Honeymoon to hell – with no refund.

And don’t get me started about the imminent effects of global warming on sea levels and coastal resorts. We’re liable to have to sleep with scuba tanks if we book an oceanfront cottage in the Caribbean.

All I know is that we have a few simple criteria for the Honeymoon:

- Warm climate
- Mini private swimming pool in the hotel suite
- Swim-up bar at the resort
- Free Wi-Fi
- Stable local government
- Little or no civil unrest

Sort of what I had in mind, but maybe too vulnerable to meteor strikes?

In the end, if I can find a place that fits that description, isn’t in a potential war zone or meteor strike area, and is at least 15 feet above sea level, then I’ll probably just pull the trigger and book it.

Let me know if you have any suggestions.

Subscribe to my sweet feed


Anonymous said...

What is your price range? For the right amount of dough (ie no less than $1000 a day), you could stay on your own private island in Dubai or in that sweet underwater hotel (no worries about global warming there!)

The Mill said...

Ah, that's the other restriction.

Our price range is $10 per day.

The Mill said...

I meant the range is from $5 to $10 per day. Does that help?