Monday, January 26, 2009

A Shining Example of Fiscal Responsibility

Citigroup – the supermarket of banking and investing. Whether you’re a high net worth individual, or a working class peon, Citi has financial products for you. Also, their management is a bunch of douchebags.

Take, for example, their most recent display of advanced douchebaggery: the planned purchase of a Dassault Falcon 7X 12-seat private jet. For a cool 50 million bones.

This is the same Citigroup that recently accepted $45 billion in taxpayer dollars in order to stay in business, because their toxic assets are worth less than nothing.

This zombie bank is top-heavy with assholes. They’re basically bankrupt, and splurging on a private jet. Does that seem fair?

By now, you’ve probably read plenty of articles and blog posts foaming with outrage, and overflowing with contempt towards Citi’s top executives. If I had thought of it earlier, I’d be right there with them. But I missed the flight, so to speak, so I’ll just give you some details on the plane that has caused such a ruckus:

The Dassault Falcon 7X has a range of 5,950 nautical miles. That’s like regular miles, except different in some way. I think it has to do with the fact that as the plane approaches the speed of light, time slows down, the length of the plane decreases, and miles become smaller. Or something.

The Dassault also has a landing distance of 2,262 feet, when measured with a 38,287 pound landing weight, and a top speed of 593 mph – in case you were wondering.

Wing-mounted Sidewinder missiles, and underbelly Hellfire rocket clusters provide Citi execs with extra protection. Here, a Wachovia MIG fighter jet attempts to dogfight the Citi Falcon 7X.

With full glass cockpit instrumentation designed by Honeywell, a 2nd grader could fly this plane. The instrument panel of this Honeywell Primus EPIC “Enhanced Avionics System” (or EASy) is reminiscent of several popular Playstation 3 games. The Falcon 7X is also the first business jet with a Digital Flight Control System (DFCS). I know, I know. Who cares? Let's get a party started up in this!

Indistinguishable from a video game. Score bonus points when you buzz the flight tower - just like in Top Gun.

This full, fly-by-wire system improves fuel economy, increases flight safety, maximizes maximum aircraft performance, and allows the aircraft to be piloted by very drunk people with very little flight experience. The perfect executive jet.

The Falcon 7X is powered by three Pratt and Whitney PW307A engines, with a maximum thrust at takeoff of 6,402 pounds. If you don’t know anything about jet engines, let me tell you, those engines are pretty sweet. Additionally, the PW307A’s will not require an engine overhaul for 7,200 flying hours, or more than 14 years of typical operation (2 years of typical Citigroup executive operation).

The cabin is slathered in supple Corinthian leather and studded with Swarovski crystal on all interior surfaces not covered in leather. Options include billiards table, handball court, and sauna, among many others. For an additional $22 million, Citi executives will enjoy personalized birthday cakes, and a solid gold toilet with mink fur toilet paper – the ultimate in luxury for the most discriminating executives on the planet. Included with this extra-luxury package, Citi will also own the pilot and co-pilot - not just their time, but the actual human beings.

The leather is softer than a baby's bottom. Presumably, That's why Citi execs call it "Baby Skin."

So, as you can see, that’s money well spent.

Quite frankly, I’d be okay with the purchase if I get a trip on the private jet when I apply for the Citibank Signature Rewards Visa.

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