Thursday, January 15, 2009

What's With All the Bitterly Cold Air Around Here?

It’s cold as balls around here. This is what the National Weather Service had to say:

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE, UPTON, NY

924 PM EST THU JAN 15 2009

NEW YORK (MANHATTAN) BRONX – STATEN ISLAND – BROOKLYN – QUEENS

COLD-AS-ALL-HOLY-HELL WARNING/FREEZE-YOUR-ASS-OFF ADVISORY NOW IN EFFECT UNTIL 9 PM SATURDAY.

COLD AS SHIT AIR WILL RUSH INTO THE AREA TODAY, FREEZING EVERYONE’S BALLS, AND MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO START YOUR CAR TOMORROW MORNING.

IT WILL FEEL LIKE PLUTO UNTIL SUNDAY MORNING.

WIND CHILLS WILL BE COLDER THAN YOUR IMAGINATION WILL ALLOW YOU TO CONTEMPLATE. DO NOT VENTURE OUTSIDE UNLESS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY 100% CERTAIN YOU WANT TO DIE. IF YOU EVEN THINK YOU MAY HAVE THE SLIGHTEST REASON TO LIVE AFTER TOMORROW (NFL PLAYOFFS, SEASON PREMIERE OF “LOST”, ETC.) PLEASE STAY INDOORS.

IF YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE, THINK TWICE, AND THEN DO NOT GO OUTSIDE.

IF YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MUST GO OUTSIDE, WEAR A SPACESUIT. SOVIET-ERA COSMONAUT SUITS ARE AVAILABLE ON EBAY FOR PRETTY CHEAP. REMEMBER TO KEEP THE VISOR DOWN. UP TO HALF OF YOUR BODY HEAT CAN BE LOST THROUGH YOUR FACE.

FRIGID AIR WILL REMAIN IN THE AREA INTO SATURDAY NIGHT. IF THE EAST RIVER FREEZES, YOU MIGHT THINK IT WOULD BE COOL TO TRY AND WALK ACROSS IT.

YOU WOULD BE WRONG. DO NOT WALK ACROSS THE FROZEN EAST RIVER. THAT IS ANOTHER EASY WAY TO DIE.

A FREEZE-YOUR-ASS-OFF ADVISORY MEANS THAT PERIODS OF BITTER COLD CAN CAUSE BARE ASSES TO FREEZE WITHIN MINUTES. BE PREPARED TO COVER ALL EXPOSED SKIN WITH FIBERGLASS INSULATION.


How cold is it, Mill?

It’s so cold, I tried to spit on a gas-guzzling, greenhouse-gas-emitting SUV, but my saliva froze in mid-air, and fell harmlessly to the sidewalk as a frozen nugget, where a squirrel picked it up and scurried away.

It’s so cold, it was snowing in the apartment when I got home. We turned on the heat….and it started sleeting. What a fucking mess.

It’s so cold, my iPhone froze to my finger when I tried to check my email; and again when I tried to place a bid via the eBay mobile app; and once more when I was using that program that makes the iPhone sound like a light saber. I thought maybe the light saber application would generate heat…..It doesn’t.

Anyway, you get the point. It hasn’t been this cold in quite a while. But it’s not all bad. Extreme weather is always a great blog topic.


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3 comments:

Becky said...

Bummer about those gloves. They sure would've come in handy this January. I went back to the website where it clearly states they are, in fact, designed to work with a regular iPod (for that wily wheel), but NOT an iPod touch or an iPhone. My bad for poor reading comprehension. :-( Nevertheless, they are also supposed to work with a Blackberry. Craig tried it and quickly determined that that claim is patently false. Back in the mail they go!

The Mill said...

I think we need to make gloves with a real human fingertip sewn to the outside. That would probably work with the iPhone's touchscreen.

Only one way to find out.

JG said...

i'm cold. where's my slanket?