Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Mill's Newest Ponzi Scheme

Advice of the day: Do not give this man your money. Unless its for a rickshaw ride, or a Big Mac.

I’m sure by now you’ve figured out exactly how much money you’ve lost in the Bernie Madoff scandal.

If you’re like me, that number would be somewhere right around zero dollars. Give or take 5 cents or so. But there are plenty of poor, unsuspecting folks (mostly older, Jewish folks, as it turns out) who lost a shitload of dough by way of Madoff’s douchebag scheme.

How much simpler could it get?

You convince people you know what you’re talking about when it comes to investing. They give you money. You do God knows what with that money, and continue to accept new money. When investors come calling for redemptions, or profit-taking, you get more people to give you money, and then you hand that money out to the other investors.

In the meantime, you’re living on Park Avenue, bathing in foie gras, and burning alligator handbags for fuel – to heat a stove that, in turn, burns $100 bills.

What an asshole.

If you’re going to come up with a $50 billion Ponzi scheme, at least do Mr. Ponzi proud. Right now, if I were to come up with a “Madoff Scheme,” it would involve selling bags of dogshit to terminally-ill cancer patients as a cure for their disease. For $100,000 per bag. And the bags would be brown paper. Not even plastic!!

That’s how shitty his plan was - and how misleading.

My Ponzi scheme would operate quite differently. It would mostly involve giving flowers to old ladies, and helping children with their math homework. I would also nurse sick puppies back to health, and cure AIDS.

Instead of taking money from innocent, financially ignorant people and doling it out to other people as false profits – in a vicious cycle of douchebaggery - I would give love and charity to people, and then give more love and charity to other people – while at the same time, help everyone with everything. And cure AIDS.

In return for nothing, except for everyone’s eternal gratitude, and maybe some free pie every now and again.

I know it doesn't sound anything like the classic Ponzi scheme, but maybe it's time to try something different. I believe Mr. Charles Ponzi would have wanted it that way.

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