Hawaii Honeymoon Review Part 1: A Visit to the Volcano

Our rental jeep. Operative word being "rental." Perfect for trying to drive through blindingly-hot lava.

Sure, Hawaii is a beautiful place. Lush, tropical forests greener than the greenest country club golf course. Crystal clear waters, teeming with ocean life – and just a little bit of medical waste here and there. Soaring mountains and majestic canyons.

Going into it, we knew we’d see some pretty cool nature-type shit. And we did.

But we also expected one of the highlights would be our visit to Kilauea on the Big Island Hawaii – perhaps the most active volcano on the planet. Maybe the most active in the whole goddamn galaxy. It’s basically been continuously erupting since 1983.

Seriously. It’s crazy.

That mountain belches millions and millions of tons of red-hot lava every year. I wanted to see that lava up close. Witness the miracle of birth – of new rock, fresh from Mother Earth’s blazing hot uterus – firsthand. Feel the heat on my face, and the crunch of freshly cooled magma under my boot heel.

Also, I wanted to see if I could dip my pinky in there for just a second. Come on – how hot could it really be? And I bet it tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers. Or maybe cinnamon Bubble Tape.

Well guess what? We get to the stupid volcano only to learn that the stupid lava stopped flowing the day before.

We did get to take a great hike across the Kilauea Iki crater, and traipse across some months old lava on the southeastern edge of the island. But nothing even remotely red-hot and flowing was anywhere to be found.

Gazing across the moonscape of Kilauea Iki crater. Kinda looks like a huge, shitty, abandoned parking lot.

Lava shelf on southeastern edge of the island. Danger: 85-degree, year-old lava ahead, below, and all around.

Across five-thousand miles, and through five time zones we traveled. All we wanted was a little live lava action. And what do we get? Zilch.

The fire goddess Pele is a stupid bitch. No offense to any Hawaiian polytheists out there. It’s just that I’m disappointed we didn’t see any lava.

And Pele, if you’re reading this post (not sure fire goddesses can even read), hopefully it will anger you enough to put on a nice lava show for the current tourists.

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Surprisingly Stressful: Planning a Honeymoon a Year in Advance

So The Mill is getting married in a little less than a year. That’s right. I’m taking the plunge. Getting locked into leg irons. Getting hitched. Taking myself out of the game. Imprisoning myself in the Super-Max Penitentiary of Matrimony. Gettin’ my wed on.

And countless other sports and prison-related analogies, too numerous to mention here – for many of which, decorum prohibits me from printing on this family-friendly blog.

If you’ve visited this blog in the past, you would have noticed from my writing that I don’t like to plan stuff ahead of time. Most of my posts are spontaneous acts – much like drinking water when you’re thirsty, or throwing up when you get punched in the stomach. Likewise, it’s been supremely difficult for me to plan our Honeymoon almost a year in advance.

My one main job, after all, is planning the Honeymoon. If I can’t do that, then the whole thing might be called off. Jaimi and her Mom have taken care of practically everything else already.

Obviously, the pressure’s on.

How can I ensure that we’ll have the best possible trip? Do I have all potential options on the table? Are we getting a good deal? Will we have a butler? Will I be able to bring my Perfect Pushups on the plane with me?

I worry that the future is too murky to make any educated decisions right now.

For example, should we automatically disqualify Pyongyang, North Korea as a romantic destination? Or Tehran? Maybe Obama will fix everything by then. Do I really want to book the trip now, before giving the Axis of Evil a chance to earn my tourism dollars?

Will Hawaii – a perennial favorite with Honeymooners - still be a state by January 2010, or will the U.S. have sold her to the Saudis in order to bail out the porn industry?

Can we really book a flight on USAirways, United, Delta, Northwest, Continental, or any other major airline without running the risk of their bankruptcy during the next 11 months? And even if the airline doesn’t go broke, will they still offer snacks and soft drinks for no extra charge? If they do try to charge me a dollar for a tiny-ass bag of constipating peanuts, will I be able to prevent myself from flying into a rage?

Too many questions, and very few answers.

I haven’t, as of yet, even mentioned the possibility of a meteor strike anywhere in the southern hemisphere. That’s an “act of God” that could completely shoot our Honeymoon to hell – with no refund.

And don’t get me started about the imminent effects of global warming on sea levels and coastal resorts. We’re liable to have to sleep with scuba tanks if we book an oceanfront cottage in the Caribbean.

All I know is that we have a few simple criteria for the Honeymoon:

- Warm climate
- Mini private swimming pool in the hotel suite
- Swim-up bar at the resort
- Free Wi-Fi
- Stable local government
- Little or no civil unrest

Sort of what I had in mind, but maybe too vulnerable to meteor strikes?

In the end, if I can find a place that fits that description, isn’t in a potential war zone or meteor strike area, and is at least 15 feet above sea level, then I’ll probably just pull the trigger and book it.

Let me know if you have any suggestions.

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Views From Kauai - The Garden Island

Here are some pictures from my recent trip to Kauai. My observational humor has been added in the form of captions. You may or may not find it humorous. And some of you may find it offensive.

But first, a few observations from the trip:

1) Excellent Roads - I didn't really expect the roads to be shitty. Hawaii is, after all, part of the United States. And we're well known for our love of driving on well-paved roads. But I saw nary a pothole. I just couldn't stop marveling at the deep blackness of the ashalt. The perfectly painted solid yellow lines. The well defined shoulder. The gentle sloping grade, and the delicate s-curves. They say there is much beauty on this island. I only noticed the roads.

2) Chickens Everywhere - I really do mean everywhere. Apparently, back in 1992, a hurricane hammered the island, and a bunch of chickens escaped captivity. They didn't bother to hunt them down, and the birds have since multiplied many times over. The funniest thing is that the roosters crow at all times of day. They are so stupid. It's as if they couldn't even read a digital watch.

3) Hawaiian Shave Ice is AWESOME - It's a simple idea. You take a block of ice. You take a razor sharp blade. You press the ice against the blade, and spin. Well, you don't spin. I think the blade actually does the spinning. In any case, the result is a mound of what is essentially snow. Then you douse it with various fruity syrups and put a drizzle of cream on top (this is a called a snow cap, and may cost you 50 cents extra). It's the most refreshing thing one can imagine. And we ate it almost every day. I haven't seen it on the mainland. Let me know if you have any leads.

Not sure why I look confused and angry. It's almost like I'm preparing to tear the camera from the papparazzi's hand. This was taken at the wedding, and I was having a great time. Also, if you look closely, you can just about make out half of Jaimi's eye next to me.

You'd think that this was the last car they had left, judging from the color. Nope. I actually returned another one in order to get this. I was screaming for attention the entire trip.

Eating Hawaiian shave ice in the totally-sweet inferno-orange Mustang. I only look upset because this delectable frozen treat is almost gone.

One of the famous Kauai roosters. This little asshole kept cockle-a-doodle-dooing at all hours of the day and night.

Weeeee!!! I sure hope this water is more than 2 feet deep!!

This is not a stock photo taken from the tourism board's website. We actually witnessed this sunset. I'm happy to say I was not drunk for it.

A view from the helicopter ride. These are the jagged cliffs of the Na'Pali coast. Just kidding. This is New Jersey.

Another view from the helicopter. A completely isolated beach, almost impossible to reach by land or sea. This would have been the perfect place for Margaret Thatcher and Boris Yeltsin to sunbathe in the nude.

Dude, those car keys are long gone. Let 'em go. Just let 'em go.

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Instant Best Man Speech

I was in Hawaii last week for a little vacation. But mixed in with the vacation was my friend's wedding - the one who owns the bra business. So you know there were free bras for everyone in the goodie bags. The celebration was a great excuse to get away from the many afflictions of life in the big city. So, if only for a week, I got to max, relax, and drink virgin daiquiris on the beaches of Kauai.

All of this traveling to weddings, and what not, reminded me of how hard it can be to conceive a high-quality Best Man speech. Top-notch material is not easy to come by. It's simple enough to find the standard lines, the icebreakers, the trite toasts, and cobble together a passable excuse for a speech. But it still has to be personalized for the happy couple. Otherwise, the audience will suspect you ripped it off of the internet.

I was not the Best Man at this wedding, so I didn't really have to worry about coming up with a classy, yet delicately vulgar speech. I don't need to remind you that there's an incredibly fine line between crass and class. And let me tell you.....I'm here to help you erase that line. Below, you'll find a template for the perfect Best Man speech. All you need to do is fill in the relevant names, and choose the correct choices for time of day, etc. It's almost too easy. Note: Please use with caution. After you deliver this speech, you will likely be asked to help others with their speeches at future events. Kindly decline. And run away.


"Today, ______, is a day that will live in infamy. Oops. Wrong speech. Or is it?

But seriously, hello everbody. Good evening/morning/afternoon/kwanzaa. My name is _______, and I'm the Best Man for this glorious occasion. I'd like to start off by saying how honored I am to be here, along with the rest of you, to celebrate this holy union between two beautiful human beings. I use the word "beautiful" only because I've always been very, very attracted to the bride (wink at bride). And I can't for the life of me figure out how my dear friend,"Groom" scored a chick quite so hot. It's unfair, quite frankly. But so is life.

All kidding aside, I've known "Groom" for years, and I can honestly say it's been quite a wild ride. I think it's fantastic to see someone like "Bride" be able to tame the wild stallion that is my friend, "Groom". Of course, a small part of that bucking bronco is still alive and kicking, so to speak. But "Bride" has somehow managed to dig her proverbial spurs deep into "Groom's" proverbial flanks, and keep the wild beast in check....for now at least (long, uncomfortable pause).

As a matter of decorum, I need to thank Mr. and Mrs. ______ for bringing us together, and paying for this beautiful venue. The wonderful band. The beautiful flowers. The plentiful hot food. And of course, the open bar. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. ______. And especially for the open bar!! (wait for laughter to subside)

The free-flowing booze reminds me of a time when "Groom", myself, and a few other friends went to Vegas/Cancun/Mykonos/Fire Island/Rio for the weekend. It was not so long ago, and the brilliant memories are still blazingly seared into my mind, even through the thick haze of alcohol and drugs that we all consumed with great verve. I won't give too much away. We had a blast. And the beautiful bride should know that her new husband behaved himself, for the most part. Let's just say that the stripper wasn't dead when I last saw her/him, and I'm fairly certain the groom had nothing to do with her/his actual death, technically speaking. It appeared to be an accident - especially with the Shetland pony, the transvestite midget, and the hot tub filled with jello right there on the scene. Don't worry, the pony didn't remember a thing when questioned by the police (again, wait for laughter to subside). No charges were filed. And so here we are celebrating this magnificent event. I should also acknowledge that the aforementioned weekend romp wasn't even the bachelor party. Boy, would "Groom" KILL me if I gave away any of those details!! Talk about wild. I had to literally wash my eyes out with soap after seeing some of the things "Groom" did that night.

But enough about old memories and tales of yore. This day is about cherishing the present, and looking forward to a future filled with the love created by these two wonderful human beings. The world's a better place for it. And I consider myself the luckiest Best Man on the face of the earth. "Groom", you are a total badass for procuring such a sexy young bride, especially considering some of the garbage you've settled for in the past, both male and female. And "Bride", you are the sweetest, nicest, hottest little thing any of us have ever scored. So I'm still not sure what you're doing here.

And with that, let us raise our glasses. A toast to the groom's good luck, and the bride's hotness. To their love for each other, and our love for them. May they be together for eternity, blessed by Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/Hashem/Zeus. And may their offspring look like their mother and be able to drink like their father. Cheers."

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