Monday, September 24, 2007

Instant Best Man Speech

I was in Hawaii last week for a little vacation. But mixed in with the vacation was my friend's wedding - the one who owns the bra business. So you know there were free bras for everyone in the goodie bags. The celebration was a great excuse to get away from the many afflictions of life in the big city. So, if only for a week, I got to max, relax, and drink virgin daiquiris on the beaches of Kauai.

All of this traveling to weddings, and what not, reminded me of how hard it can be to conceive a high-quality Best Man speech. Top-notch material is not easy to come by. It's simple enough to find the standard lines, the icebreakers, the trite toasts, and cobble together a passable excuse for a speech. But it still has to be personalized for the happy couple. Otherwise, the audience will suspect you ripped it off of the internet.

I was not the Best Man at this wedding, so I didn't really have to worry about coming up with a classy, yet delicately vulgar speech. I don't need to remind you that there's an incredibly fine line between crass and class. And let me tell you.....I'm here to help you erase that line. Below, you'll find a template for the perfect Best Man speech. All you need to do is fill in the relevant names, and choose the correct choices for time of day, etc. It's almost too easy. Note: Please use with caution. After you deliver this speech, you will likely be asked to help others with their speeches at future events. Kindly decline. And run away.

"Today, ______, is a day that will live in infamy. Oops. Wrong speech. Or is it?

But seriously, hello everbody. Good evening/morning/afternoon/kwanzaa. My name is _______, and I'm the Best Man for this glorious occasion. I'd like to start off by saying how honored I am to be here, along with the rest of you, to celebrate this holy union between two beautiful human beings. I use the word "beautiful" only because I've always been very, very attracted to the bride (wink at bride). And I can't for the life of me figure out how my dear friend,"Groom" scored a chick quite so hot. It's unfair, quite frankly. But so is life.

All kidding aside, I've known "Groom" for years, and I can honestly say it's been quite a wild ride. I think it's fantastic to see someone like "Bride" be able to tame the wild stallion that is my friend, "Groom". Of course, a small part of that bucking bronco is still alive and kicking, so to speak. But "Bride" has somehow managed to dig her proverbial spurs deep into "Groom's" proverbial flanks, and keep the wild beast in check....for now at least (long, uncomfortable pause).

As a matter of decorum, I need to thank Mr. and Mrs. ______ for bringing us together, and paying for this beautiful venue. The wonderful band. The beautiful flowers. The plentiful hot food. And of course, the open bar. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. ______. And especially for the open bar!! (wait for laughter to subside)

The free-flowing booze reminds me of a time when "Groom", myself, and a few other friends went to Vegas/Cancun/Mykonos/Fire Island/Rio for the weekend. It was not so long ago, and the brilliant memories are still blazingly seared into my mind, even through the thick haze of alcohol and drugs that we all consumed with great verve. I won't give too much away. We had a blast. And the beautiful bride should know that her new husband behaved himself, for the most part. Let's just say that the stripper wasn't dead when I last saw her/him, and I'm fairly certain the groom had nothing to do with her/his actual death, technically speaking. It appeared to be an accident - especially with the Shetland pony, the transvestite midget, and the hot tub filled with jello right there on the scene. Don't worry, the pony didn't remember a thing when questioned by the police (again, wait for laughter to subside). No charges were filed. And so here we are celebrating this magnificent event. I should also acknowledge that the aforementioned weekend romp wasn't even the bachelor party. Boy, would "Groom" KILL me if I gave away any of those details!! Talk about wild. I had to literally wash my eyes out with soap after seeing some of the things "Groom" did that night.

But enough about old memories and tales of yore. This day is about cherishing the present, and looking forward to a future filled with the love created by these two wonderful human beings. The world's a better place for it. And I consider myself the luckiest Best Man on the face of the earth. "Groom", you are a total badass for procuring such a sexy young bride, especially considering some of the garbage you've settled for in the past, both male and female. And "Bride", you are the sweetest, nicest, hottest little thing any of us have ever scored. So I'm still not sure what you're doing here.

And with that, let us raise our glasses. A toast to the groom's good luck, and the bride's hotness. To their love for each other, and our love for them. May they be together for eternity, blessed by Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/Hashem/Zeus. And may their offspring look like their mother and be able to drink like their father. Cheers."

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