Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Letter to My Fantasy Football Quarterback #3

Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints had another subpar game this past week. Actually, it was far worse than subpar. I'd call it unholy and atrocious. He actually netted me negative points in my fantasy football league. That's not an easy thing to do. Here's my response to his wicked awful performance:


Listen to me. I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired. Too tired to be furious with your woeful performance this past Monday night. Zero touchdowns and FOUR interceptions?!?!? The season is still so young, but I already feel so very broken-down. And your wretched routine of throwing interception after careless interception is also getting a bit old. Drew, go figure something out. Maybe your mechanics are off. Maybe it's the timing with your receivers. Blame them if you must. Is it bad play calling? Is your surgically repaired shoulder bothering you? Be honest with me. If it's something serious, and you don't think you can fix it by, say, Week 6, then I can dump you and free up a roster spot. Just be straight with me. I'm your fantasy football manager, after all. You can trust me.

All I can say right now is, thank god your bye week is upon us. This weekend I can relax, and enjoy the solid, if unspectacular performance of my backup fantasy quarterback - Tampa Bay's Jeff Garcia. I've copied him on this letter, in case you hadn't noticed. (Hey Jeff! What's up?)

But I'm not really addressing Jeff. I'm addressing you, Drew. I need to see something from you in the weeks ahead. And that something is touchdowns. Many, many touchdowns. And that something is also touchdown passes to yourself, as I've mentioned before. But maybe we should take baby steps here. Let's start with completed passes to your teammates, instead of wobbly throws to the guys who are wearing jerseys different from your own.

Here's a bit of advice. Don't worry, it's easy to remember. When you get the ball, take a quick look down at your jersey. It should be either black with gold lettering, or white with black lettering. The style of the jersey will change depending upon whether you're playing at home or on the road, and also, to some degree upon the jerseys of the opposing team. In any case, you should be able to easily identify which jersey corresponds to your'll be wearing it. It really is that simple. Now, look up, scan the field, and THROW THE BALL TO A GUY WHO IS WEARING THE SAME KIND OF JERSEY AS YOU. If you're near the end zone, there could be a little confusion, because some of the fans in the stands may be wearing your team's jersey as well. It's just a replica. They're not on your team, so don't throw to them. They'll just keep the ball as a souvenir. It's also possible that the cheerleaders could be wearing some kind of sexy version of your team's jersey. Maybe a halter top, or just some sort of sleeveless half-shirt. In any case, and whatever you do, DO NOT THROW THE BALL TO A CHEERLEADER. They cannot catch very well. This is why they are cheerleaders. Might just be easier to focus on any man who is wearing your team's jersey, who is also wearing a helmet, and who is running around on the field. If you can remember that, then you've already won half the battle - the battle against yourself, that is.

Drew, I'm not giving up on you yet, although these are dire days indeed. Your performance has been unacceptable, and thoroughly depressing so far this season. That being said, I truly hope you can bounce back, and I believe there's no reason you won't be able to return to your Pro-Bowl form of last year (fingers crossed). You've got a week and a half to figure it out. Until then, my backup QB will be holding your starting spot for you. (Bye Jeff! Good luck this weekend!)

Depressingly disillusioned,

Awfully disappointed,

Downtrodden and dismayed,

But respectfully,

And as always,

Your faithful servant,

Happy fan,

And fantasy football manager,

Hugs and kisses,

- The Mill

No comments: