I can’t hardly believe it. The 2009 NFL season is upon us.
It seems like just the other month when I was spending every Sunday watching football, drinking beer, and tracking the stats of my favorite fantasy players – it feels like just yesterday that I was wasting a colossal amount of time on the pointless pursuit of fantasy football fame and glory.
I finished the season in 6th place, out of 12 teams. That’s nothing to email home about.
So I waste some time every Sunday during football season. It’s the truth, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But what do I do the rest of the year – during non-football Sundays?
Well, let’s take a recent Sunday for example. I did laundry yesterday. That’s some useful work. And I went for a 6 mile run, which is also useful for maintaining my girlish figure. I didn’t drink beer, which is a nice respite for my liver and kidneys. I prepared a batch of pickles, which is a delicious diversion from an otherwise mundane weekend evening. I also went silverware shopping with Jaimi. Which is…..fun.
Maybe it was a useful Sunday, chock-full of completed tasks and successful errands. That’s all about to come to a screeching, crashing, whiplash-inducing halt.
Our 2009 fantasy football draft is this coming Friday. It marks the beginning of some things – like staring at the TV, beer in hand, blankly watching football games for hours on end. And the end of certain other things – such as doing anything useful or interesting or healthy or valuable to the planet on a Sunday.
But Sunday is the Lord’s day. And He is telling me to watch football. He is also telling me to place a bet on Peyton Manning’s Colts right now, and that Arizona rookie Beanie Wells is way overrated and injury-prone. Finally, He welcomes Michael Vick back to the league, although He doesn’t plan to welcome him to Heaven in 56 years unless Vick stays true to his promise and saves a bunch of abandoned dogs.
The Lord loves dogs.
And I love football season. But also I love dogs. So the Lord and I have something in common. I would also agree that Beanie Wells is injury-prone, although not sure about him being overrated. On that point, my Lord almighty, we’re going to have to agree to disagree.
And so on Sunday, the Lord’s day, we shall watch the Lord’s game – NFL football. And we shall praise He that hath wrought thy game of blessed pigskin. For thou shalt not dismiss thy favorite team for not making the playoffs last year. And thou shalt not boo thy starting quarterback because he hath just thrown four interceptions.
Thou, as a fan of the Lord and His holy Game, shalt remember last year’s story of the Cardinals of Arizona. For it was then that thy holy servant Kurt Warner, led thy team of holiest of holy Cardinals to the highest Bowl in the land. And he threw a touchdown. And it was good.
But the Steelers ended up kicking the Cardinals asses, so I guess the Lord is more of a Pittsburgh fan.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Ready for Some Football 2009
Monday, October 13, 2008
Yet Another Letter to my Fantasy Football QB - Week 6 2008
(I can't help it. I try to keep these letters to my fantasy quarterback somewhat few and far between - only when absolutely necessary to really psyche him up, or tear him down. I can be brutally honest. And once again, something needs to be addressed. Carson Palmer, my disastrous 4th round pick and starting fantasy QB at the beginning of this season, has been struck down by an apparent elbow injury. I need to get to the bottom of this, stat.)
Dear Carson,
I understand your throwing arm is injured. It sounds like it might be hurt pretty bad. Apparently, when you try to throw, it’s like a thousand red-hot serrated daggers piercing your elbow ligament. Otherwise, I’m sure you’d have played this past weekend. Right?
I just wish you’d let me know a little further in advance next time you decide to take a pain-induced holiday – a sick day from football, if you will. You forced me to start JaMarcus Russell of the Oakland Raiders at QB. He was JaMiserable. 150 yards with no touchdowns, one interception, and one fumble lost. I think you could have done better than him had you thrown with your other hand.
Anyway, it’s really just a shame that you decided at the last minute to sit out. All I’m saying is, if my elbow hurt when I threw a football, you’d still see me at the office. And if I didn’t show up, I’d give at least a week’s notice. “Hey boss, I plan to not be feeling well enough to work a week from today.” Something like that.
I’m sure your elbow really hurts. And I’m also sure you use that elbow to propel the football at many miles per hour toward your intended target during your NFL games. See, I understand these things. I know what it’s like to be a football player. Carson, I know how to fix your elbow – just like John McCain knows how to fix our economy. Send me the MRI.
Here’s my advice. Maybe you could let up on the velocity a bit, and just throw a bunch of soft touchdown passes to Chad Ocho Cinco? That would help our team out the most, because I’d get fantasy points for Chad’s touchdown catches, and for your touchdown throws.
Think about it.
Of course, as I began writing this, I saw that you weren’t even in uniform on the sidelines, and that some Harvard kid is starting in your place. This is, perhaps, the most disturbing development of all. You let some snot-nosed. Ivy League, elitist douche bag start haead of you? Against the mighty Jets of New York? I bet Harvard was your safety school.
It’s an outrage. I don’t care if you had to underhand soft-toss that ball to an offensive lineman on every pass play. You should have been in that game. Shoot your elbow up with novacaine and get out there next week, for God’s sake.
Don’t keep me guessing as to your elbow’s condition for next week’s game. Give it to me straight, and give it to me soon, Carson. I can and I will deliver that novacaine to your doorstep, but it may take me a little while to get there.
As always.
Hoping you’re not too terribly injured to play.
And that you can suck it up and sling that ball like a cowboy next week.
Your fantasy football manager and freelance medical advisor,
- The Mill
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Letter to my Fantasy Football Quarterback - Week 3 2008 - Change is in the Air
(I tend to write these letters to my fantasy football QB whenever things are going really bad, or really great. For purposes of motivation, scolding, or congratulations, these letters have served me well. With all the chaos and crisis occurring across the world right now, it's good to know that some things always stay the same - imaginary letters to my fantasy QB affect their actual play in a positive way. It's one of my secrets to fantasy football success - magic. You should try it as well.)
Dear Carson,
Actions speak louder than words. I’m sure Head Coach Marv Lewis shouts it every day at practice, and in the showers. Of course, shouting the phrase sort of diminishes its effectiveness, don’t you think?
Anyway, I also believe it to be true. That’s why I benched you with no warning. Obviously, you know it by now. And you knew it by spending the weekend on my fantasy bench.
For a moment, you may have wondered, “What the hell am I doing here?” But before too long, you figured it out. After all, you’d be the first to admit that you played like absolutely pure, unfiltered shit the first two weeks of the season. It was pathetic.
I mean, 228 yards and 3 interceptions? Combined? For the first two games? In the major professional football league of America?
How couldn’t I not not bench you?
Carson, that question included a triple negative. If you recall from your “Intro to Grammar” class at USC, that means the same thing as “how could I not bench you?”
Enough with the pop quizzes. Here’s the bottom line:
I gave the ball to a young journeyman from the 49ers – J.T. O’Sullivan. He plays in Mike Martz’s high-powered offense. He has a solid running back and several talented receivers. He’s playing with confidence. And he’s having fun.
As of last week, none of the above could be used to describe you, Carson. I needed to shake things up – to let you know that playing for me is all about tough love and no apologies. You can’t succeed without first tasting failure - and numerous other clichés.
But as usual, my plan appears to be working. J.T. had a solid first game for me, throwing for nearly 200 yards with 2 touchdowns and zero interceptions against a weak Detroit Lions defense. But you Carson. You played the defending Super Bowl champions and almost led your team to victory, throwing for nearly 300 yards with 1 TD and no interceptions.
It really looks like you took this wake-up call to heart.
That being said, I have yet to decide who I’m going to start this week. You can’t feel like you’ve earned the nod after only one decent game. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.
Come game time, if you find yourself gazing across the field with your butt planted firmly on that pine wood plank, then you’ll know what my decision’s been. And you’ll need to live with it, and rise above it, and overcome adversity, and yadda yadda yadda.
Just throw a bunch of touchdowns to Ocho Cinco, okay?
As always,
Your kind, and patient manager,
Your fantasy mentor and lesson-giver,
Your grammar tutor and friend,
- The Mill
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tired of Losing Dough in the Stock Market?
Let’s say your portfolio includes AIG, Lehman, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Merrill Lynch, and GM.
One year ago, these investments were worth tens of thousands.
Today? $5.27.
You’ve had it with this insane volatility. No more stocks. Dow Jones, Nasdaq, S&P 500. They all blow right about now.
A common tenet of the mainstream investment world states that there’s no such thing as a sure bet, with any sort of worthwhile upside. Of course, you could invest in US Savings bonds and get, like 1% interest – guaranteed by the full faith and trust of the US government. But that stuff’s bullshit. The bonds from my Bar Mitzvah are still maturing – almost 20 years later. Nobody has that kind of time horizon, except maybe for infants.
No, during times like these you need to look outside of the standard investment box.
You want something exciting, but fairly low risk. Something with serious upside, but minimal upfront commitment. Wholesome. American. An investment you can be proud of.
Buy a piece of my future fantasy sports earnings.
Your investment will return a portion of my league winnings in baseball, football, and possibly basketball (although I don’t really follow basketball very closely) in as little as one calendar year. You’ll also have the opportunity to invest in my weekly office football pools for both NFL and NCAA.
And of course, there are my March Madness brackets.
You can own a piece of it all – but only if you’re a shrewd investor.
Here’s how it would work, as I envisioned while brushing my teeth this morning:
1) You give me some money. Let’s say 500 bucks, but it’s ultimately up to you, I guess. I’ll make a note of it on a piece of paper so I don’t forget who gave me what.
2) I enter various fantasy sports leagues throughout the course of the year, using your money to pay my league fees and purchase premium subscriptions to online fantasy sports strategy websites. Additionally, I’ll use the money to enter some football pools and March Madness bracket competitions. I’ll also probably use the money to buy beer, snacks, and maybe a new pair of shoes.
3) Assuming I win most of my leagues, and do paranormally well in the pools and brackets, you will receive your entire investment back, plus a percentage of my winnings – minus a 5% management fee, 12% administrative fee, and 25% fuel surcharge (gas is expensive!!). Also, I will be keeping 40% of the total profits. It’s my brain doing all the winning, after all.
I’ve had some success in the past, wining a few fantasy football leagues, and finishing in the top 10 in a couple of football pools. So the track record is clearly there. Invest with confidence.
If you want in on this chance-of-a-lifetime investment opportunity, hit me back in the comments.
Note: Past performance is not necessarily indicative of future gains….or losses.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Letter to my Fantasy Footbal QB - Week 1 2008
(So I like to write imaginary letters to my fantasy football quarterbacks. You got a problem with that? Last year, I wrote a few to Drew Brees, and I feel like it helped him right his ship when he drifted off course at the beginning of the season. With a new season fresh out of the oven, I decided to give this a go again. I know it's borderline pathological, but I still think I can help my fantasy players with a little encouragement, via letters that I don't actually send to them and they will never actually read.)
Dear Carson,
You’ve got some big shoes to fill. Not big in a literal sense, as your predecessor has relatively small feet and hands for a quarterback. But my quarterback for the previous 2 years – Sir Drew Brees, of the New Orleans Saints (perhaps you’ve heard of him, or have met him at quarterback conferences?) – was a veritable football pitching machine.
It was like the coach just kept feeding balls into a slot on his back, one at a time, and those balls would shoot from his shoulder at the press of a button. More than 60% of the time, they’d find their intended target.
So yes, there’s some pressure on you to perform this year.
You may be worried that after your dismal performance on Sunday, against the Ravens of Baltimore, that I’d be ready to flip my lid and really lay into you. You might fear that I’ll “go off the deep end,” or “throw a hissy fit,” or even “burn down your mansion.” Well, Carson, my dear friend, you have nothing to worry about. I’m as cool as a cucumber.
Sure, I was disappointed in your performance. I mean, 10 for 25 for 99 yards and an interception? Come on. That just sucks ass. There’s just no way around it. But looking on the bright side, you were playing against a very tough defense. And you’re not quite in sync with your receivers yet, due to preseason injuries that limited their practice time.
Take a deep breath, Carson, and put this week behind you. I know I have. I’ve got you starting again this week, because I have confidence in you. You’re the best I’ve got. I spent a 4th round draft pick on you. Don’t make me regret that.
But no pressure. Because a certain someone who – a former fantasy QB of mine - started out awfully slow last year. I’ll give you a hint – I mentioned his name in the first paragraph of this letter. If you don’t know whom I’m talking about, then please pack your fantasy belongings in a fantasy box, and get the hell out of my fantasy locker room.
Anyway, it’s a long season. I understand that. So you have plenty of time to redeem yourself. But at the same time, you only have 15 regular season games remaining. And I think the playoffs start in Week 14. So that’s only more 13 weeks.
Shit.
Upon further consideration, time is of the essence. Please do not dilly-dally. And because Chad Ocho Cince, nee Johnson is also on my team, please throw as many passes as possible to him. He’s a crazy son of a bitch, I know. But please do your best to keep him happy. The last thing I need is for him to get upset. He’s a real prima donna, as you well know.
Anyway, I’ll let you get back to work now. Please figure out what went so terribly wrong last week, and fix it. I’ll be watching. From above. Like God.
You wouldn’t want to let God down, now would you?
I didn’t think so.
Yours truly, always, and forever,
Or until you have a couple more terrible games and I have to replace you,
- The Mill
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
A Letter Of Affirmation To My Fantasy Football Quarterback
Drew Brees had a rocky start this season, to say the least. As his fantasy football manager, I sure let him know how I felt about it. Boy did I let him have it in my last letter. And if you'll recall, I benched him several weeks back. It appears as though he's taken my vicious scolding to heart. He's been on fire as of late. Enough so to earn him another chance at the starting job. Congratulations are in order:
Hi Drew!
What's up big buddy? How's the shoulder feeling?...Strong? Supple? Laser-accurate? Yeah, I thought so.
Before I go any further, I'd like to say, "You're welcome." Yes it's official - you're back to your old Pro-Bowl form. Welcome to the land of touchdown passes and high-fives. You're having fun again. And I take a lot of credit for that. Rightly so. Sure, you practiced hard and studied the playbook. Probably spent hours and hours watching film of opposing defenses, trying to determine what went so terribly wrong during those first few games of the season. But think about the real impetus for your dramatic turnaround. Who benched you five weeks ago, after a horrendous start to the season? Drew, you threw for one touchdown and NINE interceptions in your first 4 games. It was gruesome. I still feel a bit of pain in the deepest darkest depths of my soul when I think about it. And that's a pain I'll have to live with for the rest of my fantasy football career. Maybe longer.
I recommended that you sit back and contemplate your god-awful early-season performance. You used the bye week, and took the time to figure things out. But I wasn't about to let you bust back into my starting lineup. You seemed to take the hint - If you wanted to rekindle The Mill's love for Drew, then Drew would have to give the Mill something to love. How about 1,246 yards passing, 11 touchdowns and just 1 interception in your last 4 games? And this past week alone? 445 yards and 3 touchdowns! Spectacular. Yes Drew. I love it. You have re-arrived on the scene with passion and fury, power and glory.
I knew you could do it. I've said it several times in previous time-stamped blog postings, so I can prove that I'm not just hopping on your Mardi Gras float of a bandwagon. Here, at long last, is your reward for four consecutive weeks of rock-solid Brees-ian football - YOU MAY HAVE YOUR STARTING JOB BACK.
But please restrain yourself for now. Allow your excitement to simmer. Mix it with your rage towards me for benching you the past 5 weeks. Bottle that potent concoction (two parts excitement, three parts rage), stick a rag in the neck of it, light it on fire and throw it at your opponents this weekend - the woeful St. Louis Rams.
I can only guess what the future holds for you. You've clawed and gnawed your way back into my heart, and back into the most important role on the fantasy team (besides the manager, of course). It's like you can do anything you set your mind to - things never before accomplished, really monumental things. I bet you could conjugate nouns if you wanted to. Or bake the most delicious sugar-free cake ever known to mankind - one that tastes better than a fully-sugared one. What I'm trying to say, Drew, is you're an extraordinary man. And I'm proud of your recent performance.
Please try to keep it up. You've been named the starter, for now. Just remember, with the click of a mouse, I can take it all away.
Thrilled by your return,
Wishing you the best,
Don't forget my threat of re-benching you,
But mostly you're the best ever,
And as always,
With affection,
Your devoted, kind and fair, steadfast and faithful fantasy football manager,
- The Mill
Listen to this post.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A Letter To My Former Starting Fantasy Football Quarterback
Drew Brees, my former starting Fantasy Football Quarterback, had a nice game this past week. The best of the season so far, in fact. Does it have anything to do with my benching him for the past 2 weeks? And telling him that our relationship has been severely strained by his poor play? Is it possible that in some cosmic/psychic way, I've affected his game play, and driven him towards success? Yes, yes, and perhaps. Here's the next installment in my master plan to alter the fabric of spacetime in the fantasy football universe. It's sort of like being a puppet master. Please tune in to the Saints-Falcons game on Sunday to see how Drew responds to the following message.
Dear Drew,
How are you doing? Have you been keeping yourself busy? Did you get some rest during your bye week? Did your team win this past Sunday? Against the Seahawks? Like maybe, 28 to 17? Oh yeah, it says it right here in the newspaper. Well, congratulations. It's nice to see you're beginning to turn things around. And how did your throwing the football go? Were you able to throw nice spirals? Any touchdowns? Or passes completed to your teammates? Oh, hey. It says here that you threw 2 touchdowns, and no interceptions. Gee whiz. Nice work.
I just thought I'd check in to see how you're doing. And to let you in on a dirty little secret. Something that is so subversive yet effective, that it may seem like black magic. It will become ever more apparent as the season progresses, but even after one short week, it's almost completely obvious. That's right Drew. My psy-ops campaign is working. Working like a charm. And rest assured that there's nothing you can do to resist. I truly believe that benching you this past weekend was the best thing I could have done....for you. It's all for you. Don't forget that in my last letter I made it clear that I wasn't completely giving up on you. I still ascribe to the Doctrine of Drew - that is to say, throwing lots and lots of touchdowns and very few interceptions. And from the looks of things, it would appear that you're going back to the Drew of 2006. "Pro-bowl Drew", as I like to call him. Or, "Not Kicking Myself For Drafting With A High Pick Drew." Almost 250 yards passing, two touchdowns, and zero interceptions. Not bad. Not bad at all. You can do better of course, but I'm just so happy to see that my subtle psychological tactics have been working. I lit a fire under your ass, so to speak. And I'm both flattered and honored to see you respond with such sense of purpose and singular focus - to improve your fantasy stats.
I have some more news for you Drew. There's someone else. Someone I met on the fantasy football waiver wire this week. He's young, strong-armed, and agile. His name's Derek Anderson. Maybe you've heard of him? He's the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, and he threw for 3 touchdowns last week, and ran for one more. Not only that, but he's been consistent all year. And Drew, he's currently the 3rd ranked fantasy quarterback in the league (you're pretty much ranked last). Behind only Tony Romo and Tom "New Daddy" Brady. I'm not sure why one of the other teams in my league dropped Derek, allowing me to add him to my roster. His loss is most certainly my gain. Unless the other manager knows something about Derek that I'm not aware of. Like, he's addicted to crack and PCP. Or that he accidentally killed a few strippers Sunday night while celebrating the team's victory over the woeful Miami Dolphins. But that's not something any of us should brood over. What's done is done. I want to win, and Derek Anderson can help with that. Regardless of any sort of moral deficit or lack of common sense. Whatever his crimes, if there are any, and if they can be proven, he's got what I like to call "football smarts." That's right. I came up with that phrase.
Take a long look at this tall, cool drink of water. He's your new teammate, or worst nightmare, depending on how you perform for the rest of the season.So as I've just described, there's a new kid on the block - a very talented, aggressive, and charming kid. And I thought you should know about him. I don't want to hide this new relationship from you. After all, I've been honest with you since the beginning. As I said before, I'd still like to be able to write you, call you, whatever. (And continue my purposeful psychological barrage) But no pressure. Need I mention that you'll have to show me a bit more consistency before we can even talk about thinking about discussing your return to the starting lineup. Drew, please keep in mind that with relative certainty, if you keep up the hard work, you will, most likely, fall back into my favor. It's a simple equation: (Touchdowns + Passing Yards) divided by (Interceptions + Fumbles Lost) = (My love + My respect as your fantasy football manager) + (a second chance for you).
Not everybody gets a second chance. Don't let this one pass you by.
As before,
And no less than ever,
Your friend through thick and thin,
But only if you continue to play like you did last week,
Or even better than last week,
Still, only somewhat reluctantly,
Your fantasy football manager,
- The Mill
Monday, October 08, 2007
Dear Fantasy Football Quarterback.....
This is the fourth letter I've been compelled to write to Drew Brees. Another lousy week, another letter to my quarterback. As in all aspects of my life, when you deal with me, and you don't meet my high expectations, you can expect a letter. And sometimes, it may even be stern in tone. Be forewarned. Do not end up like my fantasy football quarterback.
Dear Drew,
Sometimes, I think back to December 10th of last year. The fearsome Dallas Cowboys would be your enemies on that day. The breeze, a gentle westerly wind, yet just enough to make your hair flitter as you stood on the field during pre-game warm-ups. Perfect weather for a good 'ol ball game, you thought. Their defensive lineman are very big and strong, you also thought. Their defensive backs also look strong, but not as big as the lineman, you concluded. That's really all you had going through your mind. You were at ease on that day. "Cool Brees", I giggled, as you took the field.
384 passing yards, and 5 touchdown throws later, you were on top of the world. And my fantasy team was absolutely dominant for yet another week.
And occasionally, I still reminisce about November 5th 2006, against Tampa Bay. 314 yards, 3 touchdown passes, zero interceptions. Yet another flawless performance.
Drew, I don't want to live in the past any longer.
I think you're a nice person. Really I do. You appeared in an ESPN commercial recently where you try to drive a Mardi Gras float into a parking lot, but get stuck. It's funny. And cute. I've heard that you donate your time and money to charities in the New Orleans area, or something like that. And that's really great.....for people in New Orleans. What about the rest of us?
I just don't think I can do it anymore, Drew. Maybe we've grown apart since last season. I no longer feel the same excitement when I see the score of one of your games. I almost dread the chance to watch you play if the Saints happen to be on national TV, or you're playing against one of the local teams. It's horribly painful. A pain I can't bear. One I shouldn't have to bear. Who in the hell do you think you are? ONE lousy touchdown and NINE interceptions through five games this year? Are you kidding me? This is bullshit.
I'm sorry Drew. That wasn't me talking. That was my anger. I have to let it out. And you need to understand how you've made me feel this season. Yet another agonizingly poor performance this week. Two more interceptions. Zero more touchdowns. I need you to understand where I'm coming from. I need you to see what you've done to me:
I'm sad because of you, Drew Brees. That clock in the background is counting down....to the end of this relationship.I look pretty sad, right? Well it looks pretty bad on the inside as well. That's because you're killing me. Slowly. Having you on my team has been a disaster. Unrelenting. Unrelieved. Clear-cut. Intense. Unabridged. Unabated. Thorough. Complete. In case you hadn't guessed, I have the thesaurus lying open - tear-stained, cheez-whiz and ketchup obscuring a few synonyms - but opened to the word "unmitigated". Because that's the kind of disaster we've witnessed from you this season.
Dear Drew, I can't keep on with this kind of relationship. All I do is give and give. Start you week after rueful week. And what do I get in return? A shoe-full of dog crap. Or at least that's how it feels. And smells. My point is that this relationship really stinks right now. But you gave me so much last year, and it was such a wonderful surprise. I put my faith in your resurrection, and I drafted you so highly this year. All of which makes this breakup that much harder.
I still want to be able to call you - and bring you back to the starting lineup if you can manage to right your sinking submarine. And I'll keep you on the bench, so that you're never too far away. But I can't and I won't start you next week. Or the week after. Or the one after that. It's too much anguish. I don't think we'll ever go back to what we had before. In some small way, perhaps I blame myself. Maybe I pressured you too much. You weren't ready to take the next step, to Fantasy Football superstardom. And for that, I'm sorry.
Finally Drew, I want you to remember one thing: It's not you, it's me.
Your former fan,
With treasured memories of bygone seasons (2006),
I still remain for now,
Even though you've been officially benched,
Your fantasy football manager,
- The Mill
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Letter to My Fantasy Football Quarterback #3
Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints had another subpar game this past week. Actually, it was far worse than subpar. I'd call it unholy and atrocious. He actually netted me negative points in my fantasy football league. That's not an easy thing to do. Here's my response to his wicked awful performance:
Drew,
Listen to me. I'm tired. You're tired. We're all tired. Too tired to be furious with your woeful performance this past Monday night. Zero touchdowns and FOUR interceptions?!?!? The season is still so young, but I already feel so very broken-down. And your wretched routine of throwing interception after careless interception is also getting a bit old. Drew, go figure something out. Maybe your mechanics are off. Maybe it's the timing with your receivers. Blame them if you must. Is it bad play calling? Is your surgically repaired shoulder bothering you? Be honest with me. If it's something serious, and you don't think you can fix it by, say, Week 6, then I can dump you and free up a roster spot. Just be straight with me. I'm your fantasy football manager, after all. You can trust me.
All I can say right now is, thank god your bye week is upon us. This weekend I can relax, and enjoy the solid, if unspectacular performance of my backup fantasy quarterback - Tampa Bay's Jeff Garcia. I've copied him on this letter, in case you hadn't noticed. (Hey Jeff! What's up?)
But I'm not really addressing Jeff. I'm addressing you, Drew. I need to see something from you in the weeks ahead. And that something is touchdowns. Many, many touchdowns. And that something is also touchdown passes to yourself, as I've mentioned before. But maybe we should take baby steps here. Let's start with completed passes to your teammates, instead of wobbly throws to the guys who are wearing jerseys different from your own.
Here's a bit of advice. Don't worry, it's easy to remember. When you get the ball, take a quick look down at your jersey. It should be either black with gold lettering, or white with black lettering. The style of the jersey will change depending upon whether you're playing at home or on the road, and also, to some degree upon the jerseys of the opposing team. In any case, you should be able to easily identify which jersey corresponds to your team.......you'll be wearing it. It really is that simple. Now, look up, scan the field, and THROW THE BALL TO A GUY WHO IS WEARING THE SAME KIND OF JERSEY AS YOU. If you're near the end zone, there could be a little confusion, because some of the fans in the stands may be wearing your team's jersey as well. It's just a replica. They're not on your team, so don't throw to them. They'll just keep the ball as a souvenir. It's also possible that the cheerleaders could be wearing some kind of sexy version of your team's jersey. Maybe a halter top, or just some sort of sleeveless half-shirt. In any case, and whatever you do, DO NOT THROW THE BALL TO A CHEERLEADER. They cannot catch very well. This is why they are cheerleaders. Might just be easier to focus on any man who is wearing your team's jersey, who is also wearing a helmet, and who is running around on the field. If you can remember that, then you've already won half the battle - the battle against yourself, that is.
Drew, I'm not giving up on you yet, although these are dire days indeed. Your performance has been unacceptable, and thoroughly depressing so far this season. That being said, I truly hope you can bounce back, and I believe there's no reason you won't be able to return to your Pro-Bowl form of last year (fingers crossed). You've got a week and a half to figure it out. Until then, my backup QB will be holding your starting spot for you. (Bye Jeff! Good luck this weekend!)
Depressingly disillusioned,
Awfully disappointed,
Downtrodden and dismayed,
But respectfully,
And as always,
Your faithful servant,
Happy fan,
And fantasy football manager,
Hugs and kisses,
- The Mill
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Another Letter To My Fantasy Football Quarterback
I sent a letter to my fantasy football QB (Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints) last week, in hopes of psyching him up for the season opener on Thursday night. Well guess what? He had a lousy game. Hopefully the worst is over. But I still feel the need to voice my disappointment:
Drew,
What the hell happened? You threw for less than 200 yards, with zero touchdowns and 2 interceptions! Was this some kind of cruel and unusual joke? Not a good start to the season. Not good at all. Some might call that performance "bad". But in fantasy football terms, it's more of a "stinking-atrocious-bloody-mess." Perhaps you were just shaking off the rust. A result of endless offseason summer nights in Tahiti, topless beaches, and bottomless margaritas. I guess I understand. And I do appreciate your throwing one pass to yourself during the first half. You only gained 1 or 2 yards on the play, but at least you took a small portion of my last message to heart. Unfortunately, the whole point didn't seem to come across. I said, "throw more touchdown passes to yourself." That would necessitate your being somewhere near the end zone when said pass was thrown to you, by you. Not on your own 20 yard line! What do you think's going to happen? You throw the ball with the aim to get it batted back into your face. Good job. But now what? At this point, you catch it, make a few jukes. Left. Right. Spin move. Double axle. Whatever. And then streak down the sideline for an 80 yard touchdown? Drew, you're not that fast. By the looks of it, you're not much faster than I am. And I'm not very fast at all. It's true that I'm a very fast eater, a quick learner, and an above average typist, but I'm not a fast runner. I'll outrun small children and people on crutches, under most track conditions. But that's about it.
So yes, I'm disappointed. I can now only pray that my fantasy opponent's quarterback also has a terrible outing this week. Vince Young of the Tennessee Titans, I hereby curse you!!
I'm not going to ask "What the hell happened?" again, because the real reasons behind your poor performance probably have a lot to do with some inscrutable defensive schemes, of which I couldn't really comprehend. And then there was that one defensive back on the Colts who has some kind of supernatural cloaking ability. So you threw the ball right to him. Twice. Because you didn't even know he was there. But still, what were all those dinky chicken-shit passes for 4 or 5 yards each, during the rest of the game? We need to see you air it out, throw it deep. To your teammates.
Next week you play Tampa Bay. I fully expect you to rebound. If you don't, you can anticipate another letter. A real harangue this time. I don't want to make you cry, Drew. But if it's for the good of the fantasy team, I will not hold back. You will feel the force and fury of my words. And I may, in fact, hurt you with those words. So, for your own sake, have a better game next week.
Warmest Regards,
During these troubling times,
To you and yours,
With best wishes for a brighter tomorrow,
And please throw 4 touchdowns next week,
I'm not joking this time,
I want the old Drew back,
Your fantasy manager,
- The Mill
Monday, September 03, 2007
Are You Ready For Some Football?
You're goddamn right I am. Thanks for asking.
Finally, the 2007 NFL season is about to begin. It's been a difficult, lonely, and confusing 7 months since the Super Bowl. And as I gear up for another edition of my favorite sports season, everything is beginning to make sense again. The beauty. The brutality. The strategy. The highlight reels. The tight pants. This is what it's all about.
But what it's really all about for millions of fans, is the coinciding kickoff of the fantasy football season. If you haven't played, you should. It's awesome. You get to pick your players from the actual rosters of every NFL team. And when the players on your fantasy team do well, you get to feel smart for picking them. I've always suspected that I have some sort of magical effect on the outcome of every game I watch (see my post from 9/17/06 for more on my otherworldly powers of influence). But with fantasy football, you also enjoy the feeling of having an effect on your individual fantasy players' lives. Both on and off the field. Maybe if I had drafted Chris Henry one round earlier, he wouldn't have received his 3rd DUI in a year. Or at least he wouldn't have gotten caught. I also suspect that the guy who had Michael Vick on his team last year must have done something fiendish in a former life. After all, this is a keeper league, and now he's without a quarterback. That's some serious retribution for both him and Vick.
In the end, nothing I do or say can guarantee a fantasy football championship. But I like to stack the deck in my favor, as much as possible. To that end, I've decided to send an email to my starting fantasy quarterback, Mr. Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints. Cool Brees was a godsend last season, throwing for like 500,000 yards, and maybe about 25,000 touchdowns. Or so it seemed at times. He was totally magnificent. I'd like him to know that I'm a big fan. Also, I want to make certain he understands the importance of consistently scoring a whole lot of points, both from season to season and game to game. This is especially important in the fantasy football world. If I can't count on him, he's worthless to me. And I'll dump him as fast as he can snap an ACL.
Dear Drew,
As opening day relentlessly rushes towards us, I thought I'd take the time to send you a quick note, full of well wishes, and a bit of advice. But before I go any further, you should know that I'm not some sort of Monday morning quarterback, and have never doubted your ability to read a defense. I don't second guess you, Drew. And all I ask is that you read my entire message, and at the end, reflect for but a minute on what I have to say. My advice is not the result of you having disappointed me in the past (except for Week 15 vs. the Redskins and Week 13 vs. San Fran last year) but rather, some well-intended kind counsel for a fellow human being.
(This is neither here nor there, but I should also note that you're my starting fantasy quarterback this season.)
Drew, everyone says that football is a team sport, much like soccer. Which is what the rest of the world calls football. And that simply causes confusion for everyone. So, why not make our American football a bit more of an individual endeavor? The other sport called "football", the one that people get murdered over in Colombia, can be a team sport. Thus, we have relieved much of the confusion, as one will be called Individual Football, and the other Team Football. Our Football should be full of individual accolades, personal record-setting, one-man touchdown celebrations, etc. By striving to achieve more individual goals, you'll be helping to make the world a better place for every sports fan.
You should also strive to carry the "team" on your shoulders. After all, the "team" is nothing more than a sweaty locker room full of enormous athletes with even larger egos. Drew, you need to rise above all of that. You need your ego to carry you to the next level. I believe that level to be 5,000 passing yards, and 45 touchdown throws. Do you have any idea what that type of production would do for you? And for my fantasy team? But mostly for you? You'd be a superstar. You'de be able to renegotiate your contract. Wheaties boxes, cover of GQ, you name it.
An exercise to help you focus on individual performance - consider this scenario: 3rd down and goal from the 4 yard line. The coach calls for a quick screen pass to the tailback. But you know that the last thing the defense would expect is for you to fake the throw and run it in yourself. Also, you might happen to know that a passing touchdown is only worth 4 points to my fantasy team. Whereas a rushing touchdown is worth 6 points. So why not keep the ball and run it across the goal line? Everybody wins. Especially you. Unless you get tackled and seriously reinjure your surgically-repaired shoulder. Then we'd both feel like assholes.
It would also be great if you could return kickoffs, and throw a touchdown pass to yourself. Quarterbacks don't typically do those things. Can you imagine how cool that would be? And how those fantasy points would rack up? Don't you want to be unique? All I ask, again, is that you briefly contemplate my friendly words. For your own sake.
Nice touchdown pass to yourself Drew! Wow! Look how happy you are!As always,
And forever,
Your faithful servant,
And simultaneously your fantasy manager,
- The Mill
