Monday, October 13, 2008

Yet Another Letter to my Fantasy Football QB - Week 6 2008

(I can't help it. I try to keep these letters to my fantasy quarterback somewhat few and far between - only when absolutely necessary to really psyche him up, or tear him down. I can be brutally honest. And once again, something needs to be addressed. Carson Palmer, my disastrous 4th round pick and starting fantasy QB at the beginning of this season, has been struck down by an apparent elbow injury. I need to get to the bottom of this, stat.)

Dear Carson,

I understand your throwing arm is injured. It sounds like it might be hurt pretty bad. Apparently, when you try to throw, it’s like a thousand red-hot serrated daggers piercing your elbow ligament. Otherwise, I’m sure you’d have played this past weekend. Right?

I just wish you’d let me know a little further in advance next time you decide to take a pain-induced holiday – a sick day from football, if you will. You forced me to start JaMarcus Russell of the Oakland Raiders at QB. He was JaMiserable. 150 yards with no touchdowns, one interception, and one fumble lost. I think you could have done better than him had you thrown with your other hand.

Anyway, it’s really just a shame that you decided at the last minute to sit out. All I’m saying is, if my elbow hurt when I threw a football, you’d still see me at the office. And if I didn’t show up, I’d give at least a week’s notice. “Hey boss, I plan to not be feeling well enough to work a week from today.” Something like that.

I’m sure your elbow really hurts. And I’m also sure you use that elbow to propel the football at many miles per hour toward your intended target during your NFL games. See, I understand these things. I know what it’s like to be a football player. Carson, I know how to fix your elbow – just like John McCain knows how to fix our economy. Send me the MRI.

Here’s my advice. Maybe you could let up on the velocity a bit, and just throw a bunch of soft touchdown passes to Chad Ocho Cinco? That would help our team out the most, because I’d get fantasy points for Chad’s touchdown catches, and for your touchdown throws.

Think about it.

Of course, as I began writing this, I saw that you weren’t even in uniform on the sidelines, and that some Harvard kid is starting in your place. This is, perhaps, the most disturbing development of all. You let some snot-nosed. Ivy League, elitist douche bag start haead of you? Against the mighty Jets of New York? I bet Harvard was your safety school.

It’s an outrage. I don’t care if you had to underhand soft-toss that ball to an offensive lineman on every pass play. You should have been in that game. Shoot your elbow up with novacaine and get out there next week, for God’s sake.

Don’t keep me guessing as to your elbow’s condition for next week’s game. Give it to me straight, and give it to me soon, Carson. I can and I will deliver that novacaine to your doorstep, but it may take me a little while to get there.

As always.

Hoping you’re not too terribly injured to play.

And that you can suck it up and sling that ball like a cowboy next week.

Your fantasy football manager and freelance medical advisor,

- The Mill

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