Thursday, October 16, 2008

Phillies Phorever

Check it out. Just two short weeks ago I congratulated my hometown Phillies for making it into the playoffs. For details, see here.

And if you don't feel like reading this previous post of mine, let me just say that I predicted the Phillies would win it all this year. And at that point, the odds of them winning were a staggering 6 to 1. Or thereabouts - maybe a little higher when you consider the fact that the Cubs will never win, and the Red Sox have to deal with the Curse of Manny the Asshole.

Clearly, I am an oracle.

My powers of precognition far exceed those of this lady. But she bakes a much meaner cookie, and has met Keanu Reeves - so I guess we're equally good oracles.

They beat the Dodgers last night to clinch a spot in the Fall Classic. And at that point I lost consciousness from pure elation. You won't see me jumping up and down and shouting when my favorite teams win. Quite the contrary. You'll see me lying quietly on the floor, or slumped over in my chair.

All I ask is if you see any blood coming from head or ears, please call for medical assistance. I probably just banged my head on the way down, but better to be safe than sorry.

Anyway, it's quite obvious that the Phillies are destined to win the World Series this year. And when they do, I'm going to do one or all of the following:

1) Upon 3rd out of 9th inning, instantaneously pass out.

2) Immediately hop in my car, race down to Philly and join in the rioting and looting.

3) Sprint into posh Brooklyn Heights, flip over some cars, light some shit on fire, and start my own riot up here in New York.

4) Get a Phillies tattoo. On my forehead.

5) Continue sleeping because I was too tired to stay up and watch the end of the game.

Although I'm certain the Phightin' Phils will win the Series, I'll probably continue to pray to the baseball gods continually - day and night - until they officially wrap it up. In the meantime, feel free to dump a ton of money on the sports books in Vegas - Phillies to win the World Series, straight up. And tell them The Mill sent you.

It's a sure thing - as good as a government-sponsored bailout.

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