Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Quick Debate Advice for Joe Biden

(Part two of two in a series. I offered my advice to Sarah Palin the other day, and now it's Fightin' Joe's turn to learn a thing or two from The Mill. These Vice-Presidential candidates only get one shot to show off their crazy debate skillz (as long as McCain doesn't suspend his campaign again) so they need to make the most of the opportunity. And with Gwen Ifill gunning for both candidates - what with all her high-falutin phraseology and media elite smarty talk) - they'll need to be more than just prepared. That's where I come in. You can't buy this advice on tape. You can't buy it on DVD. You can only get it right here, at I Am The Mill. Tell all your debate-prepping friends.)

1) Don't say "fuck." (See my related post from soon after Obama chose Biden here.)

2) Fix the comb-over. It's almost as pathetic as McCain's.

3) Don't refer to Palin as "dame," "broad," or "wench."

4) Avoid all historical references. You're bound to say something like "When Charlemagne was listening to the radio, he first learned of the Visigoth training camps just across the border in Saxony. And he launched a rocket attack without the Saxons' knowledge. Listen people, it was the right thing to do at the time."

5) Become enraged, but only for short, powerful bursts. The audience expects some fireworks, so give them what they want.

6) Engage Governor Palin directly, as often as possible. Focus on Palin's total lack of knowledge - of any topic related to anything remotely involving the nation as a whole.

7) Continue to call John McCain "my good friend John McCain." That stuff's hilarious.

8) Instead of a suit and tie, wear a LeBron James jersey or a Rhianna t-shirt - in order to counter Palin's youthful appearance.

9) Use the word "literally" only when you really mean something literally. For instance, "Many Wall Street offices are literally ghost towns, with all the recent layoffs." If taken literally, this would mean you believe in ghosts, and/or that you've seen ghosts during a recent visit to New York. Proper usage might be, "Governor Palin, you are literally the least knowledgable debater I have ever debated. Ever. In my 36 years of debating people. Literally."

10) Just before the debate, stand in front of a mirror, slap yourself in the face repeatedly, and scream "I'm Joe Biden, motherfuckers!!! Don't fuck with this!!!" 5 or 6 times to get that nervous energy - and your intense urge to drop the f-bomb - out of your system. Also, this will obviously help with #1 above.

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