Wednesday, October 29, 2008

At Long Last - My Endorsement

I’m finally prepared to announce my endorsement for President!!

That’s right. With less than a week to go before Election Day, I’m finally ready to offer my endorsement to one or more of the candidates.

Now, the conventional wisdom states that with under a week left in a campaign, it’s almost impossible to move the needle for either candidate, either for or against. If one candidate is ahead in the polls at this point, he’s likely to remain so until the election.

That is, of course, unless a real game changer occurs – either a tremendous blunder, or a magnificent triumph by one of the candidates or their surrogates.

I’m not entirely sure which category my endorsement would fall into. But if I can move the dial just one-tenth of one one-thousandth of a half of one-tenth of a percent, then I’ve done my job. (If you do the math, that’s approximately equivalent to one registered voter’s pinkie toe.)

That being said, I’m only here to help. My endorsement for President is intended to sway some of the undecided voters out there. I don’t expect to change the minds of the far-right, gun-toting, Jesus-dependent voters or the way-left, pinko commie, hippie, non-leg-shaving voters based upon my well written sentences, meticulously crafted logic, and dashing good looks. I could charm a nut from a squirrel.

But this campaign isn’t about me. (At least not until this blog post hits the mainstream liberal media. Headline: "Scott the Blogger Stirs the Electoral Pot With Massively Important Endorsement.")

So without further ado, my friends and my family, I hereby endorse BARACK OBAMA for Prez.

But see, here’s the thing. It’s not that I necessarily like his healthcare policy, or his economic policy, or his foreign policy, or his domestic policy, or his energy policy.

I’ve always found it difficult to like things that I don’t understand.

The real reason for my endorsement? It’s that his wife is so damn cool. And smart (Harvard Law). And frugal (shops at Target).

Don't you understand that his choice of wife has as much to do with judgment as his VP pick? Don't you know that the First Lady pretty much runs the show in the White House anyway? She's not just there to plan parties and tend to Dolly Madison's rose garden.

It's a little known fact that although the President is considered the Commander-in-Chief of all the Armed Forces, the First Lady is usually given the Navy and Air Force to play around with. She'll be deciding which carrier groups will be deployed to the Persian Gulf, and which cruise missiles to fire into Pakistan.

Michelle will be one of the two most powerful Obamas in the world.

Michelle Obama understands how to properly deploy our aircraft carriers - because she danced with Oprah, and is great at giving speeches.

But seriously, can you really imagine Cindy McCain dancing with Oprah? Or Putin? And her speeches put everyone to sleep. Give this lady an espresso I.V., stat! And her hair? Give me a break. What a terrible dye job.

Otherwise, Cindy seems like a nice enough lady.

So my real point is not that Michelle Obama is a military genius. I don't really know that for a fact. But I do believe that she could serve as a great ambassador at home and abroad. She's able to relate to a wide variety of people, and hopefully her coolness and style will rub off on Barney Frank. Someone get that guy a comb!!

Remember to vote on November 4th. And know that when you vote for Barack Obama, you also get another totally cool Obama. It's a package deal. Two for one. Why vote twice for McCain, when you can vote once for Obama?

My fellow Americans, we can't afford another 4 years of having a non totally awesome and cool First Lady in the White House. We need a friendly, personable, dynamic woman as our First Lady. Someone to greet foreign leaders and dignitaries, and serve as an example to all young women across the country. It's time to put the "Hi!" back into the White House.

So barring a surprise wife-swap by the candidates, my vote is, and will remain for Barack/Michelle Obama for President/First Lady of the United States.

Vote on November 4th!! Or earlier in Colorado, North Carolina, Ohio, Florida, Nevada, New Mexico, and Virginia!!

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