Inaugural Excitement

Are you as excited for the Inauguration as I am?

Probably not. Because that would make you insanely excited - unfit to hold down a job until after January 20th, and unable to keep your pants dry.

Okay fine. Maybe I’m being just a wee bit sarcastic. But still, it is a momentous occasion in our nation’s history, and I for one will have my DVR set to record, for posterity’s sake. In case no one else records it.

Questions abound:

What will Michelle wear?

Will Barack use his middle name during the oath?

Will Bush hand over the keys to the White House snack bar?

Will Hillary fly into an envious rage, and snatch Barack bald before a crowd of millions?

The answers: Vera Wang. Yes. No. Yes.

The next and final question is: How amazing will Obama’s speech be?

Expectations are high, to say the least. If he doesn’t reveal the meaning of life, confess that he’s actually a Cylon, or divulge the whereabouts of Amelia Earhart then the speech will be a disappointment. I can assure you.

If most of the lines don’t rhyme, or it’s not in perfect iambic pentameter, then we’ll be in for a rough 4 years. Fox News will have a field day: “Barack Hussein flushes inaugural address down the drain, along with America’s chances for survival.”

Millions of eyes will be watching him. And thousands of ears will be listening - most people at home will have their sets on mute, or will be listening to Britney on their iPods. Many Americans will be able to read Barack’s lips though. And if they can, they’ll see words like “hope,” “change,” and “college football playoff system.” There will probably be an “economy,” and maybe a “Joe Biden” or two thrown in for good measure.

And just as Abraham Lincoln stated so eloquently in his second inaugural: “…be it this time so gracious that we extend our reach to the very mouth of Heaven, and preface the freedom cherished in the hearts of our forebears, so that this blessed union of state and man may once again thrive under a golden sun of brotherhood. Go Eagles!!”

Lincoln wore this stylish green taffeta bowtie from Kenneth Cole during his second inaugural address. Hardly anyone remembered the actual speech.

So too will Barack Obama end his speech thusly:

“We’ve reached the threshold of change. The hope we’re seeking is just through that golden door. From a tiny town in Kansas, to the rolling hills of Ohio, to the bright lights of Chicago, we’ve made this journey together - through the light and the darkness, the wind and the rain, the sleet of discontent, and the hail of adversity. It’s now our choice to move forward as we would. To reach for that ring of lasting hope and establish ourselves, once again, as that shining beacon for all the world to follow ahead – onward to the triumph of the ages. Go Eagles!!”

Obama recently won an honorary Heisman for being awesome. He holds tyranny and intolerance at arm's length - thus giving them "The Heisman" every day of his life.

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Rod Blagojevich: Unbelievable Asshole - A Poem

I swear to be a douchebag, and nothing but a douchebag. So help me Zeus.

Whaddya mean? Senate seat's not for sale?
What's all the hubbub? Am I going to jail?
My phone line was tapped? Why, you FBI shit.
Would you mind loosening these handcuffs a bit?

And so, my dear Rod, may I call you Blago?
Your IQ is the same as Rocky IV's Ivan Drago.
Nothing rhymes with Blagojevich, so I will not try.
During ethics class in Governor's school, you were out back getting high.

We won't soon forget the last Illinois Gov.
Fraud and corruption, no legislation of love.
He's in jail now, and you may hear him cryin'.
A douchebag like you, his name is George Ryan.

But you've taken the cake, Rod, with skill and aplomb.
Your gall is astounding. Your words leave me numb.
You allegedly asked for 500 grand.
A powerful seat for a powerful man.

Or maybe some schmuck with plenty of money.
Whose offer's so sweet, it's dripping with honey.
For you and your friends, the holidays would be merry.
If you offered the seat to Refrigerator Perry.

He probably would govern much better than you.
With a 68 waist, and size 22 shoe.
He'd rumble and roll on both sides of the aisle.
He'd do it with grace, and he'd do it with style.

The Fridge, as he's known by all of his fans,
Would sponsor a bill as thick as his hands.
This bill would require that all kids learn to play ball.
And outside Senate chambers, vending machines line the hall.

But now that Senate seat's up in the air.
The Fridge will not get it. The Fridge will not care.
But the rest of the country is glued to the news.
A scandal this big's as addictive as booze.

May your trial be quick, and the judgment decisive.
And may Obama's replacement be not so divisive.
If it weren't for you, the blogs would be quiet.
We'd have nothing to do but pillage and riot.

The next junior senator from Illinois? Maybe if Blago had his way.

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Barack Obama’s Fantasy All-Star Cabinet Appointees

What if President-Elect Obama could choose anyone from any time period for any Cabinet position, currently alive, currently fictitious, or currently dead?

You might say, “That would be utterly ridiculous, and a waste of time to even think about.” Or, “Maybe you should spend more time exercising or reading, and less time dreaming up impossible political scenarios.”

Fair enough.

But still, I thought it would be a fun exercise. And as Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Boys just wanna have fun.”


Obama’s Dream Cabinet:

(In order of line of succession in the event of the unfortunate demise of the President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, and leader of the Senate – according to Wikipedia.)

Secretary of State – Hillary Clinton (1947 - ????)
Come on Barry, throw this lady a bone. She was crushed by your Primary victory, and still managed to support you throughout the General Election. She even managed to corral Wild Bill and get him to do some half-hearted campaigning for you. Without her support you may not have won. And give her a raise and a nice corner office while you’re at it.


Secretary of the Treasury – John Jacob Astor (1763-1848)
Astor was the country’s first multimillionaire, when being a millionaire would have been like being a trillionaire rock star/Lebron James/George Clooney/Oprah in today’s terms. Also, Astor amassed much of his fortune in real estate, and it looks like we could use some help in that area right about now. Astor also made money in the fur and opium trades, so hopefully he’d initiate another stimulus package that would give citizens huge discounts on black tar heroin and beaver hats.


Secretary of Defense – Genghis Khan (1162-1227)
This dude was one of the greatest badasses of all time. He kicked ass, took names, and then kicked some more ass. This guy kicked so much ass and killed so many people that just the sound of his name still rings like the call of death itself. What do you think of when you think “Genghis Khan?” Death and destruction. Don’t you think North Korea, Iran, and al Qaeda would roll over and wag their tails for this guy? Also, he made a mean macaroni and cheese - which is one of Sasha and Melia’s favorite meals.


Attorney General – Benjamin Matlock (1986-1995, 9 PM Eastern Time, NBC)
Ben Matlock was one of the greatest crime solvers and legal geniuses of the past century. A Harvard educated widower, his practice consisted of a small legal firm in Atlanta, GA. He frequently solved murder mysteries by dressing up as a woman and hiding a spycam in his parasol. A true Southern Gentleman, Matlock would just as soon help a lady down some slippery stairs as he would challenge a scoundrel to a duel. His sky blue suits are straight out of the “Popular Mechanics Men’s Fashion Special.” Call him Joe the Lawyer. He may be just an imaginary character, portrayed by the brilliant Andy Griffith, but his legal prowess is legendary.

Secretary of Agriculture – George Washington Carver (1864-1943)
A no-brainer for this position - I mean, come on. The father of the peanut, Carver was an accomplished scientist, educator, and inventor. He was well-known for making anything and everything out of peanuts and peanut derivatives. He once constructed an entire automobile out of nothing but peanuts, fueling it with peanut oil, with peanut shell seats and a peanut butter dashboard. Of course, upon ignition, the peanut car almost instantly burst into flames, killing the test driver. But still, Carver was an agricultural genius, especially when it came to peanuts.


Secretary of Commerce – Sam Walton (1918-1992)
The founder of Walmart, Walton grew up during the Great Depression. He sure knew what a tough business environment looked like. Walton built his business from a single five-and-dime, to a worldwide empire of giant stores selling cheap crap. Even now, if you want the cheapest anything – tube socks, plasma TV, artificial limbs – your best bet is to head down to Walmart. With Sam Walton at the helm of American commerce, we can be sure to get some great bargains.

Secretary of Labor – Ayn Rand (1905-1982)
A strong believer in the greatness of man, Ayn Rand was a real spark plug. She could also be a total pain in the ass, and would likely be the kind of Secretary of Labor who would yell at you for taking anything more than a 10 minute lunch break once a week. She wasn’t a big fan of welfare, and tended to ignore panhandlers. She wasn’t a big fan of vacations, but was a huge advocate of hard work. “Hard work equals more money, and is the only true measure of man.” She probably had this phrase tattooed on the inside of her eyelids. Her immutably strong support of capitalism would make her an excellent foil to Obama the Socialist. They would likely get into a lot or arguments and possibly an occasional fistfight. But Ms. Rand would keep people working.


Secretary of Recreation – The Mill (1976 - hopefully a very long time from now)
I’m basically an expert at all things recreational. Whether it be lying on the couch watching football, sitting in a movie theater, tossing a football around in the backyard, playing board games, or even reading a book – I’ve done it all. And I would bring this knowledge and expertise to Barack Obama’s White House. “Sometimes, we just need to chill out and play some Xbox.” That’s what I would tell Obama whenever Putin rears his ugly head, or whenever another major US corporation goes belly up. I’m pretty sure I’d be his favorite Secretary.

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Correction: John McCain Wins Vermont and Massachusetts......

....in this wild dream I had last night, after real-world McCain clearly had his ass handed to him in a handbasket. Dream-world McCain had red hair, even yellower teeth, wore glasses, and was approximately 40 feet tall judging from how easily he could pick up full-size cars and horses and toss them around like toys.

Dream-world Obama was nowhere to be found. Dream-world McCain seemed to be running unopposed. It was a nightmare.

Although Chris Rock was hanging out with me - for comic relief - and I was somehow able to watch most of the election returns from the Space Shuttle. It didn't take very long after I awoke - in the dark, in my bed, in Brooklyn - to realize that I wasn't in orbit around the Earth. And that Jaimi wasn't Chris Rock. Maybe 10-20 minutes, tops.

But back in the real world, before drifting off to dream land, we already knew that Barack Obama was our new President.

Hoots and hollers could be heard in the streets. We toasted the momentous election with some of the finest beer and cupcakes in all of New York City.

I'd now like to take this opportunity to point out that not only did I predict the Philadelphia Phillies would win the World Series several weeks before the actual event, but I also offered my endorsement to Obama in recent days.

Am I psychic?

Perhaps yes.

(You in the blue sweater, look out. You will spill coffee on your shoes today after reading this post. Email me for more spooky predictions.)

I'm 2 for 2 over the past 2 weeks in world-shifting, watershed events. Can I make it 3 for 3 in 3 weeks? Phillies, Obama, and.....?

And the first talking dog will be introduced to the world. But it will only speak French.

You can count on it.

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At Long Last - My Endorsement

I’m finally prepared to announce my endorsement for President!!

That’s right. With less than a week to go before Election Day, I’m finally ready to offer my endorsement to one or more of the candidates.

Now, the conventional wisdom states that with under a week left in a campaign, it’s almost impossible to move the needle for either candidate, either for or against. If one candidate is ahead in the polls at this point, he’s likely to remain so until the election.

That is, of course, unless a real game changer occurs – either a tremendous blunder, or a magnificent triumph by one of the candidates or their surrogates.

I’m not entirely sure which category my endorsement would fall into. But if I can move the dial just one-tenth of one one-thousandth of a half of one-tenth of a percent, then I’ve done my job. (If you do the math, that’s approximately equivalent to one registered voter’s pinkie toe.)

That being said, I’m only here to help. My endorsement for President is intended to sway some of the undecided voters out there. I don’t expect to change the minds of the far-right, gun-toting, Jesus-dependent voters or the way-left, pinko commie, hippie, non-leg-shaving voters based upon my well written sentences, meticulously crafted logic, and dashing good looks. I could charm a nut from a squirrel.

But this campaign isn’t about me. (At least not until this blog post hits the mainstream liberal media. Headline: "Scott the Blogger Stirs the Electoral Pot With Massively Important Endorsement.")

So without further ado, my friends and my family, I hereby endorse BARACK OBAMA for Prez.

But see, here’s the thing. It’s not that I necessarily like his healthcare policy, or his economic policy, or his foreign policy, or his domestic policy, or his energy policy.

I’ve always found it difficult to like things that I don’t understand.

The real reason for my endorsement? It’s that his wife is so damn cool. And smart (Harvard Law). And frugal (shops at Target).

Don't you understand that his choice of wife has as much to do with judgment as his VP pick? Don't you know that the First Lady pretty much runs the show in the White House anyway? She's not just there to plan parties and tend to Dolly Madison's rose garden.

It's a little known fact that although the President is considered the Commander-in-Chief of all the Armed Forces, the First Lady is usually given the Navy and Air Force to play around with. She'll be deciding which carrier groups will be deployed to the Persian Gulf, and which cruise missiles to fire into Pakistan.

Michelle will be one of the two most powerful Obamas in the world.

Michelle Obama understands how to properly deploy our aircraft carriers - because she danced with Oprah, and is great at giving speeches.

But seriously, can you really imagine Cindy McCain dancing with Oprah? Or Putin? And her speeches put everyone to sleep. Give this lady an espresso I.V., stat! And her hair? Give me a break. What a terrible dye job.

Otherwise, Cindy seems like a nice enough lady.

So my real point is not that Michelle Obama is a military genius. I don't really know that for a fact. But I do believe that she could serve as a great ambassador at home and abroad. She's able to relate to a wide variety of people, and hopefully her coolness and style will rub off on Barney Frank. Someone get that guy a comb!!

Remember to vote on November 4th. And know that when you vote for Barack Obama, you also get another totally cool Obama. It's a package deal. Two for one. Why vote twice for McCain, when you can vote once for Obama?

My fellow Americans, we can't afford another 4 years of having a non totally awesome and cool First Lady in the White House. We need a friendly, personable, dynamic woman as our First Lady. Someone to greet foreign leaders and dignitaries, and serve as an example to all young women across the country. It's time to put the "Hi!" back into the White House.

So barring a surprise wife-swap by the candidates, my vote is, and will remain for Barack/Michelle Obama for President/First Lady of the United States.

Vote on November 4th!! Or earlier in Colorado, North Carolina, Ohio, Florida, Nevada, New Mexico, and Virginia!!

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Lipstick on a Pig, and Other Great Lipstick Sayings

Not that you need or want any political commentary from me, but I just had to address this issue - the now famous "lipstick on a pig" imaginary controversy.

For the record, it's obvious that Barack Obama was not referring to Governor Palin when he said "you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig." I mean, Palin's not even fat. She's less piglike than 95% of all politicians. Although she's somewhat piggish when it comes to consuming federal earmarks, from what I've read on the internet. Okay, fine. So maybe he was referring to her. But in a much less offensive fiscal sense, rather than the physical sense.

In any case, the phrase still got him into a lot of trouble.

I'm here to help Barack avoid the same mistake in the future. Lipstick analogies are great - we all know this. So it's difficult, if not impossible, to avoid using them on the campaign trail.

Thusly,

Other lipstick analogies that Obama could have used in reference to McCain-Palin's policies (or anything else, for that matter):


- You can put lipstick on a dog, but it will probably just try to eat the lipstick.

- You can put lipstick in the freezer, but due to the high water content, it will expand and crack it's casing - much like current day Russia.

- To put lipstick on a hamster can be accomplished, but it requires a very specialized, and very tiny tool.

- If you put lipstick on a shark, you're liable to lose your hand.

- Even if John McCain dressed in women's clothes, he'd still require a boatload of lipstick to look even halfway like my grandmother.

- The Adminstration's botching of the Iraq war: it's like one eye watching George Bush put lipstick on a snake, and the other eye watching a monkey try to fuck a football. Totally mindbending.

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The Problem With Joe Biden

I really like Fightin’ Joe Biden. He’s a man’s man. – the scrappy kid from Scranton. I’m sure he’s a football fan, a whiskey drinker, and loves the chicken wings at Hooters.

I’d like to shoot a game of pool with him. Or play some paintball, with Fightin’ Joe as my platoon leader.

His rapier wit would come in handy during a Mom joke showdown.

He also has extensive credentials for a VP candidate, and his foreign policy experience will serve him well in an advisory role to the Commander-in-Chief.

I gotta hand it to you Barack. Good choice. The Mill approves.

Not only does Joe seem like a cool, manly guy, but he’s also a great speaker, especially without a script.

And although he can deliver a solid scripted speech, with proper intonation and variable inflections – unlike John McCain, who always sounds like he’s reading us a children’s book - he does tend to stumble over his words now and again. He recovered nicely the other night when he mistakenly called McCain “George” – claiming it as a Freudian slip.

In fact, he seems to slip up about 3 or 4 times during every speech. Most of these are rather harmless. And it may indeed be due to the fact that his brain still moves faster than his mouth – as his mother told him when he stuttered as a child.

But mix Joe Biden’s fiery personality, his Chris Rock wit, and his penchant for verbal miscues and you have a recipe for disaster.

My friends, I ask you this:

When will Joe Biden say “fuck” on national television?

During a rant against the Republicans, or in defense of his own strongly held beliefs, Biden could easily lose control of his mouth for a split second. And that’s all it would take.

Half a millimeter away from saying "fuck."

It’s bound to happen, and probably has happened numerous times on local Delaware cable-access shows.

Can he hold it together and prevent the utterance of the mother of all curses - spilling from his lips like so much saliva? Can he at least wait until after the election to let the f-bomb drop on the American public?

I’m not sure, but for Obama’s sake I certainly hope so. And the Democrats’ dream of the White House rest on this hope - the hope that Joe Biden will not say “fuck” during a speech, or a debate, or a town hall meeting, or a PTA bake sale.

To paraphrase Barack Obama, this is the hope with which we put our children to bed, and promise them a better future as we tuck them in.

This is the hope that keeps alive the vision of all Americans - young and old - that we may seize the opportunity of this pivotal moment in history in order to fulfill those archetypal goals of our Founding Fathers: freedom, liberty, and equality for all.

Don’t fuck it up, Joe Biden.

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How to Choose a Running Mate

The Vice Presidential choices. We’re all waiting with bated breath.

Will Obama choose Fast Eddie Rendell, or Fightin’ Joe Biden?

Will McCain choose Mike “Jesus” Huckabee, or Charlie “Jesus” Crist?

As far as I’m concerned, the answer should clearly be none of the above. The answer also shouldn’t be Evan Bayh, Lindsey Graham, Tim Kaine, Bobby Jindal, Jack Reed, Tim Pawlenty, or any of the other so-called “top picks.”

No, I’m afraid all of these would be rather poor choices.

According to the conventional wisdom, a VP candidate should offer some sort of contrast – a young guy in McCain’s case, or a white guy in Obama’s case. Or a woman in either case.

The VP candidate should possess certain strengths, of which the Presidential candidate may be lacking. For Obama, that might mean someone with a great deal of political experience, or deep and broad foreign policy knowledge. For McCain, that could mean someone who is less old and less mean, or someone who knows how to balance a checkbook.

And finally, a VP candidate should appeal to an important portion of the electorate that might otherwise vote for the other candidate.

Well, forget all of that.

It’s, like, 90% bullshit.

So what’s REALLY important in choosing the right running mate?

Well, if you let your brain take over and drive for a minute, you’d realize that only a few factors really matter in politics – and in life.

1) Physical beauty
2) Attractiveness
3) Looks

My obvious point, of course, is that the hottest ticket always wins.

Nobody wants an ugly President. And everybody knows who’s next in line if something happens to the Commander-in-Chief. Thus, we also need a beautiful VP.

The whole thing about offering a contrast, and complimenting strengths, and offsetting weaknesses -well, those are still worthy of consideration. But they're somewhere down the list – right after all the hot, beautiful, and attractive characteristics have been considered.

With this in mind, it’s not too hard to come up with the best VP choices for each party – those that might actually win the election for their respective ticket.

For John McCain:

Tyson Beckford – He still offers a great contrast to the old, white McCain. Super-handsome, multi-talented, Pro-Life, supported the war in Iraq from the get go. He's a real Republican Yes Man.

I will not raise taxes.

Tyra Banks - Super-hot, successful, world traveler, top swimsuit model, talkshow host, ex-Navy SEAL, former Assistant Attorney General in the Nixon administration. She is also known for her strictly literal interpretation of the U.S. Constitution. A true Neo-Con. What, you couldn't tell all of that from watching her talk show?

We will remain in Iraq until the job is done.

Mitt Romney - A well-spoken, handsome man. In fact, if you google the term "handsome man" Romney's name will be one of the top ten results. He's also a very successful businessman, and he doesn't hate the gays. One of the top picks for those in the know. But a little too Mormon for the rest of the electorate.

I hate John McCain, but would not hate being Vice President.

David Beckham - The sexiest man alive, by most accounts. Supposedly not very smart, but very malleable. Short temper, and would be very willing to bomb Iran or Russia, or whatever. Unfortunately, not currently a U.S. citizen, but maybe Bush could pass some kind of amendment or law or something that could make him eligible. Also, very rich.


For Barack Obama:

Angelina Jolie – The contrast is obvious. But she also has a great deal of foreign policy experience - sort of. She’s adopted kids from a total of 10 different countries, including 3 out of 4 Axis of Evil nations. Also, she can rely on knowledge gleaned from her role in the “Tomb Raider” films. If there are nukes in Iran, she’ll find them.

If elected, I promise to wear this exact outfit to the inauguration.

Paris Hilton – Her energy policy is hot.

Beyonce Knowles - Very hot, very liberal. Was against the war in Iraq war since before she was born. However, it's not clear whether or not the country is ready for this jelly.

I'm crazy in love with America.

John Edwards - Very handsome - perhaps too much for his own good. Many female admirers, many of whom like to have babies with him. Makes for difficult and uncomfortable press conferences. Will foreign female leaders fall in love with him too easily?

Oprah Winfrey - One of Obama's top supporters; one of the richest women in the world; commander of a massive army of groupies and book club members. I actually think, with Oprah on the ticket, Obama is a lock.

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