....in this wild dream I had last night, after real-world McCain clearly had his ass handed to him in a handbasket. Dream-world McCain had red hair, even yellower teeth, wore glasses, and was approximately 40 feet tall judging from how easily he could pick up full-size cars and horses and toss them around like toys.
Dream-world Obama was nowhere to be found. Dream-world McCain seemed to be running unopposed. It was a nightmare.
Although Chris Rock was hanging out with me - for comic relief - and I was somehow able to watch most of the election returns from the Space Shuttle. It didn't take very long after I awoke - in the dark, in my bed, in Brooklyn - to realize that I wasn't in orbit around the Earth. And that Jaimi wasn't Chris Rock. Maybe 10-20 minutes, tops.
But back in the real world, before drifting off to dream land, we already knew that Barack Obama was our new President.
Hoots and hollers could be heard in the streets. We toasted the momentous election with some of the finest beer and cupcakes in all of New York City.
I'd now like to take this opportunity to point out that not only did I predict the Philadelphia Phillies would win the World Series several weeks before the actual event, but I also offered my endorsement to Obama in recent days.
Am I psychic?
Perhaps yes.
(You in the blue sweater, look out. You will spill coffee on your shoes today after reading this post. Email me for more spooky predictions.)
I'm 2 for 2 over the past 2 weeks in world-shifting, watershed events. Can I make it 3 for 3 in 3 weeks? Phillies, Obama, and.....?
And the first talking dog will be introduced to the world. But it will only speak French.
You can count on it.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Correction: John McCain Wins Vermont and Massachusetts......
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Phillies Win For First Time Since President Madison
Or so it seems. Actually, it's only been 28 years since their last championship. But many historians compare the Jimmy Carter and James Madison Presidencies as nearly identical. Minus the sideburns. And take away the peanut farming. Also, Carter owned an automobile whereas the diminutive Madison rode a pony. And finally, Carter nearly ruined our country, while Madison remains a national hero.
I was only 4 years old at the time - and as I'm told - still in diapers, with a penchant for eating paste and sleeping with a loaf of bread. I thought it was a stuffed animal of some sort.
I don't remember any of that, of course. I recall being rather precocious.
But in any case, the Phillies won in 2008, and did so in very phun phashion.
I'm not gonna say that I predicted this....but I did. And a whole whopping 27 days ago at that. I guess I had a one in six chance, so not too impressive. I guess I'm only able to predict the future about a month in advance. That could still come in handy, and I'm sure I'll have some more predictions for you shortly.
Until then, I'm going to savor the Phillies victory with the rest of Philadelphia. We deserve it, after 28 painful years of excruciating losses and grievous disappointment.
So it's great we that we won. But Phillies fans are demanding. So we better win it again next year.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Mill Goes to the Series
I'm a Phillies fan. I write about them from time to time, but usually only when they make it to the World Series - which means I've only written about them a couple of times in the last 15 years. Anyway, I'm still a big fan of theirs, through good times and bad.
So when my new best friend Dan offered me a free ticket to Game 4 of the 2008 World Series in Philadelphia, I accepted with great verve and vigor. My acceptance of the ticket was very, very vigorous. Unlike last time though, my shirt stayed on and the body paint didn't make it out of the closet.
Not bad for free seats to the World Series. Shitty picture, but you get the idea.You may have guessed that the ticket was sourced through a friend of friend of a friend of Chase Utley's wife or something like that.
Well, you'd be wrong. And no, I didn't have to sell my body or my soul. The tickets were from a friend of friend of Dan's friend who works for a Japanese media company. That's about all the info I received, and that's about 100% more info than I needed. You could have told me that the seat owner just died, and that the ticket and/or seat itself was probably cursed. Would have been fine with me. This is the World Series after all, and I'd be willing to take that risk.
The game itself was fantastic - if you're a Phillies fan. They mauled the Rays with an onslaught of unadulterated power. Even the pitcher hit a home run, for God's sake.
A few other observations:
- Bathrooms were WAY too crowded. The queue for each individual urinal was 5 men deep. Five, drunk, Phillies fans deep. It was ridiculous. I don't know if it was just that everyone was drinking much more beer than normal, and therefore urinating much more frequently, or if the stadium is seriously under-urinaled. In any case, there appeared to be no such line for the Ladies' room. You can only imagine how tempting that was.
- Phillies fans LOVE their cheesesteaks. There are a few cheesesteak-slinging stands at the stadium. And each of them had a line from here until next week. It was crazy. Almost as crazy as the line for the bathroom.
- Ryan Howard is AWESOME. He could probably hit a home run with a mop handle in hurricane-force winds - and instead of a baseball he'd be hitting a Volkswagen out of the park. He is the world's strongest man.
The Phils have a chance to win it all tonight, and I'll be watching - albeit from the comfort of my own home. I better go limber up.
Go Phillies!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
2008 World Series Game 1 Live Blogging Continued
9:42PM - So what if the Dow was DOWN over 500 points today. The Phillies are UP by 3 runs!! In my book, that makes up for the millions upon millions of dollars of disappearing wealth.
9:45PM - I'm hungry.
9:52PM - Cole Hamels, the Phillies starter for this game, looks like a real veteran.
9:53PM - He just gave up a solo home run. No joke. As I was writing that last entry, Carl Crawford hit a home run off of Hamels. I have to be careful with this live blogging. It's some powerful shit.
9:55PM - Phillies are out of the inning after giving up only one run. I wonder what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. Should I wear a sweater? In case you hadn't noticed, my live blogging has no internal filter. It's like a window into my mind. Grab some popcorn, pull up a chair, and enjoy - if you dare. Boy, my fingernails are long.
9:58PM - Fingernails are short now.
10:02PM - I feel like Ryan Howard should hit a home run right about now. He is such a big, strong man. The ball is afraid of him.
10:05PM - Ryan Howard walked. They say a walk is as good as a home run - or something like that.
10:06PM - Pat Burrell is up to bat. Big Pat. Pat the Bat. My Mom thinks he's, arguably, the cutest Phillie. I'm can't disagree with her right now. And if he hits a home run now, I will officially label him the cutest Philadelphia Phillies player ever. I believe strongly - and this will be the first place you'll hear this - that the Phillies' success in the World Series rests on Pat Burrell's mighty shoulders. As Pat goes, so go the Phillies. Mark my words.
10:09PM - Pat Burrell did not hit a home run. But somehow, some way he just got the first infield hit of his career.
10:10PM - Not an infield hit for Pat. It was ruled an error. Pat is as slow as molasses, and never beats out a groundball. Jury's still out on Pat Burrell's cuteness.
10:12PM - I can't stop eating these gummy worms.
10:16PM - It may be dangerous for me to continue eating these gummy worms. They're not even fresh.
10:18PM - I think Swedish fish are my favorite, but have you ever had gummy peaches? They're pretty good too.
10:19PM - Okay, game back on. No more candy until the Phillies score again. Or until one of the players adjusts their crotch, or spits on the ground.
10:19PM - 5 seconds elapsed before spitting or crotch grabbing occurred.
10:22PM - No more gummy worms left. They are all in me.
2008 World Series Game 1 - Pre-Game Live Blogging
8:20PM - Phillies manager Charlie Manuel is awfully fat and old looking. I'm worried he's going to hurt himself while jogging out from the dugout during team introductions.
8:21PM - I'm holding my breath. Run Charlie, run! Only 75 feet or so to go.
8:26PM - Charlie made it out to the infield safely. I can breathe easily.
8:28PM - Holy shit!!!!! Backstreet Boys singing the National Anthem. I thought those guys were dead!!
8:30PM - This is a pretty weird rendition. Harmony is good, voices are smooth and silky. But the rhythm is all off. These guys must be Communists. Like Barack Obama.
8:32PM - Game's about to start. The Phillies better win or I'm going to write something terrible about the Tampa Bay Rays' wives and mothers.
8:34PM - I need to do laundry tomorrow. Just thought I'd write it down before I forget.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
The Phillies Are My Phavorite
The Wall Street meltdown/bailout, Presidential election, Hurricane Ike, war in Iraq, iPhone vs. Google phone, Tom Brady's knee, North Korea acting uppity again, impending recession/depression.
This isn't a verse from a Billy Joel song. No, it's all going on right now.
And all of these calamities have almost made me forget that my phavorite baseball team is in the playoffs: The Philadelphia Phillies. They're playing the mighty Brewers of Milwaukee right now in a best-of-five divisional series.
After that, they'll play the winner of the Dodgers-Cubs series, and then head to the World Series - where they'll mop the floor with either the Red Sox, White Sox, Tampa Bay Rays, or the Angels. It's a foregone conclusion. Mark my words, Red Sox bitches.
Of course, they can't choose their World Series opponent. But they can choose how badly they're going to beat them. You see, the 2008 Philllies are a group of all-powerful man-gods - sort of like Hercules., but with better endorsement deals.
I believe they'll show a bit of mercy, and win the Fall Classic in 6 games. Phillies closer Brad Lidge will likely dial down his fastball from 1,200 mph, to a more hittable 97 mph, and maybe even walk a few batters to make things interesting. First baseman Ryan Howard will only hit a home run with nobody on base. And he won't be using a bat - just his fists and forearms - to hit his mammoth, towering moon shots.
These guys have a strong sense of honor and fairness, after all.
I guess if I were as good as the Phillies, I'd have trouble not crushing my opponents like so many ants. I'd run up the score. I'd embarrass them. Things would get ugly.
Maybe that's why the Phillies keep ignoring my yearly draft eligibility notices. If their management is reading this:
I'll be declaring myself eligible for the 2009 MLB amateur draft. Your consideration is always appreciated. I'd make a kickass utility infielder. Or I could sweep up the bullpen after the games. I'd be honored to be part of your super-sweet organization.
Anyway, I'll be watching my Phightin' Phils as my tear their way through the post season - I'll flip back to CNN during commercial breaks.
They'll make it look easy, because it is for them. Mets fans, don't lament. You were beaten by a far superior race of baseball players.
Go Phils!!
Monday, June 23, 2008
High Gas Prices Means Less Beer?
High gas prices – they totally blow, right?
Well, my car gets about 35 mpg, so I don’t really care too much. But even so, I can imagine how those of you with personal tractor trailers or 18 passenger vans could be well injured by the skyrocketing prices – if you drive more than 200 miles every day, that is.
Think about it. If gas were 1 or 2 dollars less per gallon, how much money would you really save on a weekly or monthly basis?
Allow me to use myself as an example.
I drive 40 miles to work each way, an average of 4 days per week. That’s 320 miles per week. Account for the occasional 5 mile ride to Costco, a 12 mile trip to the Bronx to stock up on some crack (just kidding Mom!), and the already planned 2 AM joy ride down the Jersey Turnpike when the Phillies win the World Series this year – and we’re looking at less than 350 miles per week.
That’s 10 gallons in gas – about 45 bucks at today’s prices. No doubt about it, this $4.50/gallon gas most definitely sucks. But last year at this time, I still would have paid about 30 bucks per week for gas.
Is that extra $15 per week really keeping me from doing all the amazing things I was able to do last year – such as driving my 8 mpg Ferrari from Maine to Miami every weekend, while feeding Dom Perignon to $1200/hour hookers, wearing nothing but kobe beef bras and solid platinum hot pants? (To be clear, that’s what I’m wearing, not the hookers.)
Don’t be ridiculous. Kobe beef is super-expensive no matter what the price of oil.
But seriously, I understand the frustration that comes with soaring gas prices. I fill up at least once a week.
My point being, is this really the worst of our problems? Or is it an excuse to complain, and divert our attention from the real problems associated with the looming energy crisis.
Let me help put things in perspective.
It's been all over the news lately - at least the news that I read. And my greatest fear is becoming a reality. Beer prices are on the rise, and will continue to rise as long as the cost to transport beer's main ingredients - barley and hops and magical goodness - keeps going up.
And since grains, hops and magic all travel by truck, that means gas prices will continue to hit me directly where it really fucking hurts - my beer budget.
The only answer? Grow your own hops and barley on the roof, and brew beer in your basement or bathtub.
This, my friends, is how best to tackle the oil/beer crisis of 2008.
