Friday, November 07, 2008

Barack Obama’s Fantasy All-Star Cabinet Appointees

What if President-Elect Obama could choose anyone from any time period for any Cabinet position, currently alive, currently fictitious, or currently dead?

You might say, “That would be utterly ridiculous, and a waste of time to even think about.” Or, “Maybe you should spend more time exercising or reading, and less time dreaming up impossible political scenarios.”

Fair enough.

But still, I thought it would be a fun exercise. And as Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Boys just wanna have fun.”

Obama’s Dream Cabinet:

(In order of line of succession in the event of the unfortunate demise of the President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, and leader of the Senate – according to Wikipedia.)

Secretary of State – Hillary Clinton (1947 - ????)
Come on Barry, throw this lady a bone. She was crushed by your Primary victory, and still managed to support you throughout the General Election. She even managed to corral Wild Bill and get him to do some half-hearted campaigning for you. Without her support you may not have won. And give her a raise and a nice corner office while you’re at it.

Secretary of the Treasury – John Jacob Astor (1763-1848)
Astor was the country’s first multimillionaire, when being a millionaire would have been like being a trillionaire rock star/Lebron James/George Clooney/Oprah in today’s terms. Also, Astor amassed much of his fortune in real estate, and it looks like we could use some help in that area right about now. Astor also made money in the fur and opium trades, so hopefully he’d initiate another stimulus package that would give citizens huge discounts on black tar heroin and beaver hats.

Secretary of Defense – Genghis Khan (1162-1227)
This dude was one of the greatest badasses of all time. He kicked ass, took names, and then kicked some more ass. This guy kicked so much ass and killed so many people that just the sound of his name still rings like the call of death itself. What do you think of when you think “Genghis Khan?” Death and destruction. Don’t you think North Korea, Iran, and al Qaeda would roll over and wag their tails for this guy? Also, he made a mean macaroni and cheese - which is one of Sasha and Melia’s favorite meals.

Attorney General – Benjamin Matlock (1986-1995, 9 PM Eastern Time, NBC)
Ben Matlock was one of the greatest crime solvers and legal geniuses of the past century. A Harvard educated widower, his practice consisted of a small legal firm in Atlanta, GA. He frequently solved murder mysteries by dressing up as a woman and hiding a spycam in his parasol. A true Southern Gentleman, Matlock would just as soon help a lady down some slippery stairs as he would challenge a scoundrel to a duel. His sky blue suits are straight out of the “Popular Mechanics Men’s Fashion Special.” Call him Joe the Lawyer. He may be just an imaginary character, portrayed by the brilliant Andy Griffith, but his legal prowess is legendary.

Secretary of Agriculture – George Washington Carver (1864-1943)
A no-brainer for this position - I mean, come on. The father of the peanut, Carver was an accomplished scientist, educator, and inventor. He was well-known for making anything and everything out of peanuts and peanut derivatives. He once constructed an entire automobile out of nothing but peanuts, fueling it with peanut oil, with peanut shell seats and a peanut butter dashboard. Of course, upon ignition, the peanut car almost instantly burst into flames, killing the test driver. But still, Carver was an agricultural genius, especially when it came to peanuts.

Secretary of Commerce – Sam Walton (1918-1992)
The founder of Walmart, Walton grew up during the Great Depression. He sure knew what a tough business environment looked like. Walton built his business from a single five-and-dime, to a worldwide empire of giant stores selling cheap crap. Even now, if you want the cheapest anything – tube socks, plasma TV, artificial limbs – your best bet is to head down to Walmart. With Sam Walton at the helm of American commerce, we can be sure to get some great bargains.

Secretary of Labor – Ayn Rand (1905-1982)
A strong believer in the greatness of man, Ayn Rand was a real spark plug. She could also be a total pain in the ass, and would likely be the kind of Secretary of Labor who would yell at you for taking anything more than a 10 minute lunch break once a week. She wasn’t a big fan of welfare, and tended to ignore panhandlers. She wasn’t a big fan of vacations, but was a huge advocate of hard work. “Hard work equals more money, and is the only true measure of man.” She probably had this phrase tattooed on the inside of her eyelids. Her immutably strong support of capitalism would make her an excellent foil to Obama the Socialist. They would likely get into a lot or arguments and possibly an occasional fistfight. But Ms. Rand would keep people working.

Secretary of Recreation – The Mill (1976 - hopefully a very long time from now)
I’m basically an expert at all things recreational. Whether it be lying on the couch watching football, sitting in a movie theater, tossing a football around in the backyard, playing board games, or even reading a book – I’ve done it all. And I would bring this knowledge and expertise to Barack Obama’s White House. “Sometimes, we just need to chill out and play some Xbox.” That’s what I would tell Obama whenever Putin rears his ugly head, or whenever another major US corporation goes belly up. I’m pretty sure I’d be his favorite Secretary.

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