Thursday, August 14, 2008

How to Choose a Running Mate

The Vice Presidential choices. We’re all waiting with bated breath.

Will Obama choose Fast Eddie Rendell, or Fightin’ Joe Biden?

Will McCain choose Mike “Jesus” Huckabee, or Charlie “Jesus” Crist?

As far as I’m concerned, the answer should clearly be none of the above. The answer also shouldn’t be Evan Bayh, Lindsey Graham, Tim Kaine, Bobby Jindal, Jack Reed, Tim Pawlenty, or any of the other so-called “top picks.”

No, I’m afraid all of these would be rather poor choices.

According to the conventional wisdom, a VP candidate should offer some sort of contrast – a young guy in McCain’s case, or a white guy in Obama’s case. Or a woman in either case.

The VP candidate should possess certain strengths, of which the Presidential candidate may be lacking. For Obama, that might mean someone with a great deal of political experience, or deep and broad foreign policy knowledge. For McCain, that could mean someone who is less old and less mean, or someone who knows how to balance a checkbook.

And finally, a VP candidate should appeal to an important portion of the electorate that might otherwise vote for the other candidate.

Well, forget all of that.

It’s, like, 90% bullshit.

So what’s REALLY important in choosing the right running mate?

Well, if you let your brain take over and drive for a minute, you’d realize that only a few factors really matter in politics – and in life.

1) Physical beauty
2) Attractiveness
3) Looks

My obvious point, of course, is that the hottest ticket always wins.

Nobody wants an ugly President. And everybody knows who’s next in line if something happens to the Commander-in-Chief. Thus, we also need a beautiful VP.

The whole thing about offering a contrast, and complimenting strengths, and offsetting weaknesses -well, those are still worthy of consideration. But they're somewhere down the list – right after all the hot, beautiful, and attractive characteristics have been considered.

With this in mind, it’s not too hard to come up with the best VP choices for each party – those that might actually win the election for their respective ticket.

For John McCain:

Tyson Beckford – He still offers a great contrast to the old, white McCain. Super-handsome, multi-talented, Pro-Life, supported the war in Iraq from the get go. He's a real Republican Yes Man.

I will not raise taxes.

Tyra Banks - Super-hot, successful, world traveler, top swimsuit model, talkshow host, ex-Navy SEAL, former Assistant Attorney General in the Nixon administration. She is also known for her strictly literal interpretation of the U.S. Constitution. A true Neo-Con. What, you couldn't tell all of that from watching her talk show?

We will remain in Iraq until the job is done.

Mitt Romney - A well-spoken, handsome man. In fact, if you google the term "handsome man" Romney's name will be one of the top ten results. He's also a very successful businessman, and he doesn't hate the gays. One of the top picks for those in the know. But a little too Mormon for the rest of the electorate.

I hate John McCain, but would not hate being Vice President.

David Beckham - The sexiest man alive, by most accounts. Supposedly not very smart, but very malleable. Short temper, and would be very willing to bomb Iran or Russia, or whatever. Unfortunately, not currently a U.S. citizen, but maybe Bush could pass some kind of amendment or law or something that could make him eligible. Also, very rich.

For Barack Obama:

Angelina Jolie – The contrast is obvious. But she also has a great deal of foreign policy experience - sort of. She’s adopted kids from a total of 10 different countries, including 3 out of 4 Axis of Evil nations. Also, she can rely on knowledge gleaned from her role in the “Tomb Raider” films. If there are nukes in Iran, she’ll find them.

If elected, I promise to wear this exact outfit to the inauguration.

Paris Hilton – Her energy policy is hot.

Beyonce Knowles - Very hot, very liberal. Was against the war in Iraq war since before she was born. However, it's not clear whether or not the country is ready for this jelly.

I'm crazy in love with America.

John Edwards - Very handsome - perhaps too much for his own good. Many female admirers, many of whom like to have babies with him. Makes for difficult and uncomfortable press conferences. Will foreign female leaders fall in love with him too easily?

Oprah Winfrey - One of Obama's top supporters; one of the richest women in the world; commander of a massive army of groupies and book club members. I actually think, with Oprah on the ticket, Obama is a lock.

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Anonymous said...

Umm, Beyonce is clearly a Republican. The song "Survivor" is all about our right to bear arms, and the sanctity of life, as well as a rallying cry against typical tax-and-spend democrats. It's a thinly veiled neo-conservative marching song.

I think.

Broke But Still Drinking said...

Would a running mate accept free beer from a total stranger?

The Mill said...

broke but still drinking - yes a VP candidate must be a big fan of beer, and completely indiscriminate when it comes to accepting free beer. They must accept beer from absolutely anyone, lest they appear unpatriotic.

Thanks for bringing that up. It was a serious oversight on my part.