Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Letter to my Fantasy Footbal QB - Week 1 2008

(So I like to write imaginary letters to my fantasy football quarterbacks. You got a problem with that? Last year, I wrote a few to Drew Brees, and I feel like it helped him right his ship when he drifted off course at the beginning of the season. With a new season fresh out of the oven, I decided to give this a go again. I know it's borderline pathological, but I still think I can help my fantasy players with a little encouragement, via letters that I don't actually send to them and they will never actually read.)

Dear Carson,

You’ve got some big shoes to fill. Not big in a literal sense, as your predecessor has relatively small feet and hands for a quarterback. But my quarterback for the previous 2 years – Sir Drew Brees, of the New Orleans Saints (perhaps you’ve heard of him, or have met him at quarterback conferences?) – was a veritable football pitching machine.

It was like the coach just kept feeding balls into a slot on his back, one at a time, and those balls would shoot from his shoulder at the press of a button. More than 60% of the time, they’d find their intended target.

So yes, there’s some pressure on you to perform this year.

You may be worried that after your dismal performance on Sunday, against the Ravens of Baltimore, that I’d be ready to flip my lid and really lay into you. You might fear that I’ll “go off the deep end,” or “throw a hissy fit,” or even “burn down your mansion.” Well, Carson, my dear friend, you have nothing to worry about. I’m as cool as a cucumber.

Sure, I was disappointed in your performance. I mean, 10 for 25 for 99 yards and an interception? Come on. That just sucks ass. There’s just no way around it. But looking on the bright side, you were playing against a very tough defense. And you’re not quite in sync with your receivers yet, due to preseason injuries that limited their practice time.

Take a deep breath, Carson, and put this week behind you. I know I have. I’ve got you starting again this week, because I have confidence in you. You’re the best I’ve got. I spent a 4th round draft pick on you. Don’t make me regret that.

But no pressure. Because a certain someone who – a former fantasy QB of mine - started out awfully slow last year. I’ll give you a hint – I mentioned his name in the first paragraph of this letter. If you don’t know whom I’m talking about, then please pack your fantasy belongings in a fantasy box, and get the hell out of my fantasy locker room.

Anyway, it’s a long season. I understand that. So you have plenty of time to redeem yourself. But at the same time, you only have 15 regular season games remaining. And I think the playoffs start in Week 14. So that’s only more 13 weeks.


Upon further consideration, time is of the essence. Please do not dilly-dally. And because Chad Ocho Cince, nee Johnson is also on my team, please throw as many passes as possible to him. He’s a crazy son of a bitch, I know. But please do your best to keep him happy. The last thing I need is for him to get upset. He’s a real prima donna, as you well know.

Anyway, I’ll let you get back to work now. Please figure out what went so terribly wrong last week, and fix it. I’ll be watching. From above. Like God.

You wouldn’t want to let God down, now would you?

I didn’t think so.

Yours truly, always, and forever,

Or until you have a couple more terrible games and I have to replace you,

- The Mill

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