Wednesday, September 03, 2008

World's Largest Edible Items - Volume 1 - Gummi Bear

The Gummi Bear has long been a staple of the American diet.

Sugar, glycerin, pectin, natural and artificial flavoring, high fructose corn syrup. These are just a few of the wholesome ingredients found in Gummi Bear flesh.

For years, Gummi Bears were only available in bags of bite-size individuals - difficult to precisely decapitate with your teeth.

Well, no more struggling to get that head off without damaging the rest of the gummi body. Introducing the largest Gummi Bear in the world - and it's legally available for human consumption in the United States right here. All you need is a sharp machete and some serious leverage to separate head from body.


This mad genius genetically re-engineered the Gummi Bear to create these colorful monstrosities. They were each carried to term and birthed by a real bear.


At nearly 7 pounds, and almost 1,000 times the size of it's pygmy brethren, this bear means business. I don't have the exact statistics handy, but I estimate that this behemoth packs about 9,000 calories - perfect for ultra-marathon runners, or those expecting to spend long stints on desert islands.

Why create such a large Gummi Bear?

Not sure, really. It seems like the thing would harden and crumble to dust before you even ate the head.

Anyway, I'd be fascinated to hear about what it's like to eat one of these things - preferably in one sitting.



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4 comments:

Dennis said...

I personally would just like to lick it once a day when I get to work and see how long it takes before it starts getting smaller.

The Mill said...

In theory, that would work. But, that technique might actually make the gummi bear grow larger, as your bacteria-infested saliva forms colonies on the gummi surface.

Eventually, the entire gummi bear would appear to move with the rippling waves of multiplying microorganisms.

Please give it a try. And take pictures.

UniqueInMe17 said...

do you sell these????

The Mill said...

I don't sell them, and in some strange way I wish that I did. But in this economy, I'm not sure the bank would provide me enough credit to fully stock a giant gummi bear business.