Monday, September 22, 2008

How to Get a Big Government Bailout

Who could really use a government bailout?

Not the investment banks like Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs. Not the commercial banks like Wachovia and Washington Mutual.

No sir, Mr. Paulson. Maybe those big guys need it pretty bad, and maybe without a massive a bailout, our entire economy would go to shit within weeks. But the truth is, no one feels very good about offering these greedy, reckless bastards a free pass. They got themselves into this mess, after all. I had nothing to do with it.

At the very least, if this bailout goes through, I want free checks for life from Wachovia, and free investment advisory services from Morgan Stanley Personal Wealth Management.

My other big idea to even the score somewhat:


Come on big banks. Throw us a bone.

In lieu of that, how about some economic stimulus we could all feel good about. That is to say, I could use that bailout right about now.

I may not have billions of dollars in toxic mortgage-based assets on my balance sheet - and I may not really have a balance sheet of any sort. But I do have student loans, and a car loan, and I really need a new pair of shoes, and there's this diamond-encrusted three-finger ring I've had my eye on for quite some time. It's like $70,000, so I could really use some help.

The American Dream. And it goes with just about any kind of shoes.

And now that the credit markets have all but dried up - like so many raisins in the sun - my hopes of ever owning this beautiful piece of bling are drying up as well.

My other arguments for a government-sponsored bailout of myself:

1) I really need to buy the new iPhone. Old one does not have GPS - and I often get lost on my way to the bank to deposit money, so I just end up spending the money on all sorts of imported crap.

2) My 401k is on track to lose 25% of its value this year. And at that rate, when I retire in maybe 5 or 10 years, I will have to live off of 5 dollars a month - assuming I live to 150 or 160 years of age. This paints a very dire retirement picture, I'm sure you'll agree.

3) My government bailout could serve as a blueprint for others - I'm willing to be the guinea pig. My situation is like that of millions of other Americans. We're just your average retiring-at-40, buying-diamond-encrusted-jewelry, needing-new-iPhones type of folk.

4) TV is not nearly large enough. With football season upon us, you can see how this officially qualifies as a crisis.

Subscribe to my sweet feed

1 comment:

Dennis said...

You bring up a good point Mill. If the banks get a bailout, then we should get free checks and no ATM fees!