Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Letter to my Fantasy Football Quarterback - Week 3 2008 - Change is in the Air

(I tend to write these letters to my fantasy football QB whenever things are going really bad, or really great. For purposes of motivation, scolding, or congratulations, these letters have served me well. With all the chaos and crisis occurring across the world right now, it's good to know that some things always stay the same - imaginary letters to my fantasy QB affect their actual play in a positive way. It's one of my secrets to fantasy football success - magic. You should try it as well.)


Dear Carson,

Actions speak louder than words. I’m sure Head Coach Marv Lewis shouts it every day at practice, and in the showers. Of course, shouting the phrase sort of diminishes its effectiveness, don’t you think?

Anyway, I also believe it to be true. That’s why I benched you with no warning. Obviously, you know it by now. And you knew it by spending the weekend on my fantasy bench.

For a moment, you may have wondered, “What the hell am I doing here?” But before too long, you figured it out. After all, you’d be the first to admit that you played like absolutely pure, unfiltered shit the first two weeks of the season. It was pathetic.

I mean, 228 yards and 3 interceptions? Combined? For the first two games? In the major professional football league of America?

How couldn’t I not not bench you?

Carson, that question included a triple negative. If you recall from your “Intro to Grammar” class at USC, that means the same thing as “how could I not bench you?”

Enough with the pop quizzes. Here’s the bottom line:

I gave the ball to a young journeyman from the 49ers – J.T. O’Sullivan. He plays in Mike Martz’s high-powered offense. He has a solid running back and several talented receivers. He’s playing with confidence. And he’s having fun.

As of last week, none of the above could be used to describe you, Carson. I needed to shake things up – to let you know that playing for me is all about tough love and no apologies. You can’t succeed without first tasting failure - and numerous other clich├ęs.

But as usual, my plan appears to be working. J.T. had a solid first game for me, throwing for nearly 200 yards with 2 touchdowns and zero interceptions against a weak Detroit Lions defense. But you Carson. You played the defending Super Bowl champions and almost led your team to victory, throwing for nearly 300 yards with 1 TD and no interceptions.

It really looks like you took this wake-up call to heart.

That being said, I have yet to decide who I’m going to start this week. You can’t feel like you’ve earned the nod after only one decent game. That’s all I’ll say on the matter.

Come game time, if you find yourself gazing across the field with your butt planted firmly on that pine wood plank, then you’ll know what my decision’s been. And you’ll need to live with it, and rise above it, and overcome adversity, and yadda yadda yadda.

Just throw a bunch of touchdowns to Ocho Cinco, okay?


As always,

Your kind, and patient manager,

Your fantasy mentor and lesson-giver,

Your grammar tutor and friend,

- The Mill


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1 comment:

Dennis said...

All I have to say is that the NFL has corrected a wrong and it only took 7 years to do it.

Matt Millen has been fired by the Detroit Lions.

I have a better resume (I'm talking market data experience, not fantasy football experience) than Matt Millen did.

I am thinking of applying for the job. I mean, how could the Ford family say I have no experience? All I will do is bring a poster size photo of Matt Millen as my defense.