Monday, September 08, 2008

True Criminal Genius

The strategic brilliance of this crime is incalculable. The perpetrator's intellect is truly enormous. Here's the full text of the AP report:

"FRESNO, California (AP) -- Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack.

He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.

The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered."

Weapon of mass destruction. Implement of criminal genius.

From time to time, we bear witness to an act of such sheer genius and cunning that it actually makes us better and smarter as a species. The old adage, "standing on the shoulders of giants," leaps to mind, and is perfectly appropriate in this case. We learn a great deal from the mental giants of the past and present - and we hand this learning to our children, and our friends' children, and our dogs.

This is how the atomic bomb was developed from German theories, French experiments, and Jewish brainpower; how the jet aeroplane came to be from Newton's laws, Daimler's ingenuity, and Tennessee whiskey; how the iPhone was borne from pure silicon, forged aluminum, and a vision seen by Steve Jobs while whacked out of his mind on crack and PCP.

You may be thinking that this crime sounds tremendously stupid. But wait, there's more. Further information about the crime is difficult to locate, but it does appear that the weapon (sausage) was actually eaten by a dog after the attacker fled.

And this is where the criminal's true evil genius shines.

Although this crime sounds relatively mild, I strongly believe that the authorities should consider putting this man away for life. If allowed to re-enter society, he may use his superior intelligence to develop a salami gun, or beef jerky dagger. The murder weapon could be dissolving in a dog's stomach by the time the authorities arrive.

How will forensic science catch up? When will they be able to fingerprint dog vomit? We need federal funding for research and development, and we need it now. Please, please, please write your congressman today regarding dog vomit fingerprinting technology (DVFT).

Thank you.

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1 comment:

Dennis said...

Okay, all we need to figure out now is how to carve a sausage sharp enough to stab someone and we're golden!