World's Largest Edible Items - Volume 1 - Gummi Bear

The Gummi Bear has long been a staple of the American diet.

Sugar, glycerin, pectin, natural and artificial flavoring, high fructose corn syrup. These are just a few of the wholesome ingredients found in Gummi Bear flesh.

For years, Gummi Bears were only available in bags of bite-size individuals - difficult to precisely decapitate with your teeth.

Well, no more struggling to get that head off without damaging the rest of the gummi body. Introducing the largest Gummi Bear in the world - and it's legally available for human consumption in the United States right here. All you need is a sharp machete and some serious leverage to separate head from body.

This mad genius genetically re-engineered the Gummi Bear to create these colorful monstrosities. They were each carried to term and birthed by a real bear.

At nearly 7 pounds, and almost 1,000 times the size of it's pygmy brethren, this bear means business. I don't have the exact statistics handy, but I estimate that this behemoth packs about 9,000 calories - perfect for ultra-marathon runners, or those expecting to spend long stints on desert islands.

Why create such a large Gummi Bear?

Not sure, really. It seems like the thing would harden and crumble to dust before you even ate the head.

Anyway, I'd be fascinated to hear about what it's like to eat one of these things - preferably in one sitting.

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The Greatest Candy In The World?

I couldn't wait to share the news.

Maybe you're already aware.

No, this has nothing to do with Eliot Spitzer's illicit sexcapades.

What you're about to see is much, much tastier. Literally.

http://www.lollyphile.com/maple-bacon.php

The website claims this is the "least Kosher lollipop in the world." For now, that is. (I'm working on a lobster-ham-milk-beef lollipop. In the shape of Jesus on the cross.)

Chunks of pig suspended in candy - better not be a joke.

If you haven't figured it out from the name of the web link, it's a maple-flavored lollipop, with chunks of honest-to-goodness smoky, salty, delicious bacon trapped inside. The maple candy serves as a sort of Bacon Bastille - the bacon is just waiting for your saliva to release it from its sugary prison.

Is this some kind of cruel joke? Will I be forced to spend even more time on this god-forsaken planet, without being able to enjoy the undeniable and foreordained union of bacon embedded in pure candy?

I certainly hope not. And if the US Postal Service can get their act together, I should be enjoying these treats within 2-3 business days.

In any event, I hope to receive the bacon lollies soon. And when I do, you can be sure that I'll write a proper review.

Listen, I won't sit here and lie to you. That's not my style. My expectations are sky-high for this product.

After all, we're not talking about simple bacon-flavored candy here. That would be crap. We can already find bacon-flavored jellybeans, all over the internet. And gummy bacon, despite its promising name, is nothing more than strawberry-flavored gummy candy shaped like bacon strips. Again, pure crap.

This product, however, is a miracle of candy-engineering.

Until that package arrives (on Wednesday, fingers crossed), I can only dream of what the experience will be like.

Seeing those bacon chunks confined in a finely-crafted case of translucent, golden candy, only serves to motivate your salivary glands. "Get working!" the bacon calls out, "I don't have all day!"

Pack of 4 bacon lollies: $10.
Carrying bacon in your pocket without making a mess: Priceless

Go ahead. Lick that bacon to freedom. It will thank you with its savory swine-a-licious-ness.

I'll return to this topic in a few days, God willing, and let you know how it goes.

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