Tuesday, October 16, 2007

A Letter To My Former Starting Fantasy Football Quarterback

Drew Brees, my former starting Fantasy Football Quarterback, had a nice game this past week. The best of the season so far, in fact. Does it have anything to do with my benching him for the past 2 weeks? And telling him that our relationship has been severely strained by his poor play? Is it possible that in some cosmic/psychic way, I've affected his game play, and driven him towards success? Yes, yes, and perhaps. Here's the next installment in my master plan to alter the fabric of spacetime in the fantasy football universe. It's sort of like being a puppet master. Please tune in to the Saints-Falcons game on Sunday to see how Drew responds to the following message.

Dear Drew,

How are you doing? Have you been keeping yourself busy? Did you get some rest during your bye week? Did your team win this past Sunday? Against the Seahawks? Like maybe, 28 to 17? Oh yeah, it says it right here in the newspaper. Well, congratulations. It's nice to see you're beginning to turn things around.
And how did your throwing the football go? Were you able to throw nice spirals? Any touchdowns? Or passes completed to your teammates? Oh, hey. It says here that you threw 2 touchdowns, and no interceptions. Gee whiz. Nice work.

I just thought I'd check in to see how you're doing. And to let you in on a dirty little secret. Something that is so subversive yet effective, that it may seem like black magic. It will become ever more apparent as the season progresses, but even after one short week, it's almost completely obvious. That's right Drew. My psy-ops campaign is working. Working like a charm. And rest assured that there's nothing you can do to resist. I truly believe that benching you this past weekend was the best thing I could have done....for you. It's all for you. Don't forget that in my last letter I made it clear that I wasn't completely giving up on you. I still ascribe to the Doctrine of Drew - that is to say, throwing lots and lots of touchdowns and very few interceptions. And from the looks of things, it would appear that you're going back to the Drew of 2006. "Pro-bowl Drew", as I like to call him. Or, "Not Kicking Myself For Drafting With A High Pick Drew." Almost 250 yards passing, two touchdowns, and zero interceptions. Not bad. Not bad at all. You can do better of course, but I'm just so happy to see that my subtle psychological tactics have been working. I lit a fire under your ass, so to speak. And I'm both flattered and honored to see you respond with such sense of purpose and singular focus - to improve your fantasy stats.

I have some more news for you Drew. There's someone else. Someone I met on the fantasy football waiver wire this week. He's young, strong-armed, and agile. His name's Derek Anderson. Maybe you've heard of him? He's the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, and he threw for 3 touchdowns last week, and ran for one more. Not only that, but he's been consistent all year. And Drew, he's currently the 3rd ranked fantasy quarterback in the league (you're pretty much ranked last). Behind only Tony Romo and Tom "New Daddy" Brady. I'm not sure why one of the other teams in my league dropped Derek, allowing me to add him to my roster. His loss is most certainly my gain. Unless the other manager knows something about Derek that I'm not aware of. Like, he's addicted to crack and PCP. Or that he accidentally killed a few strippers Sunday night while celebrating the team's victory over the woeful Miami Dolphins. But that's not something any of us should brood over. What's done is done. I want to win, and Derek Anderson can help with that. Regardless of any sort of moral deficit or lack of common sense. Whatever his crimes, if there are any, and if they can be proven, he's got what I like to call "football smarts." That's right. I came up with that phrase.

Take a long look at this tall, cool drink of water. He's your new teammate, or worst nightmare, depending on how you perform for the rest of the season.

So as I've just described, there's a new kid on the block - a very talented, aggressive, and charming kid. And I thought you should know about him. I don't want to hide this new relationship from you. After all, I've been honest with you since the beginning. As I said before, I'd still like to be able to write you, call you, whatever. (And continue my purposeful psychological barrage) But no pressure. Need I mention that you'll have to show me a bit more consistency before we can even talk about thinking about discussing your return to the starting lineup. Drew, please keep in mind that with relative certainty, if you keep up the hard work, you will, most likely, fall back into my favor. It's a simple equation: (Touchdowns + Passing Yards) divided by (Interceptions + Fumbles Lost) = (My love + My respect as your fantasy football manager) + (a second chance for you).

Not everybody gets a second chance. Don't let this one pass you by.

As before,

And no less than ever,

Your friend through thick and thin,

But only if you continue to play like you did last week,

Or even better than last week,

Still, only somewhat reluctantly,

Your fantasy football manager,

- The Mill

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