Monday, October 01, 2007

Poll Results - The Mill Has Five Moms

Here are the official results of my latest poll:

Why did you visit this site today?

"I am the Mill's mother. No other reason." - 5
"I suspect the Mill is watching. And I fear his wrath." - 4
"Mistakenly ended up here when a chihuahua walked across my keyboard." - 3
"I can barely read and enjoy the pretty pictures." - 3

Could these five be my moms?

My family always used to joke that they didn't know who the mother was when I was born. Unfortunately, it looks like this cruel joke has become an even crueler reality. According to my most recent poll results, five people chose the answer "I am the Mill's mom. No other reason." to the question "Why did you visit the site today?" Only one of those respondents was the woman who I've always believed to be my mom. Or at least the woman who lives with the man who I have presumed to be my dad for the past 31 years. Who are both, at the very least, reasonable facsimiles of the humanoid life forms who live together and who I've suspected of being my parents since I was a wee child. In any case the results are in: by force of sheer numbers, my mom(s) won the poll. Congratulations to all of you, whoever you are.

Are all of my moms somewhere in this picture? Along with my brothers?

I never expected that one of these lighthearted polls could turn my world upside down. Now I'm beginning to question everything. Does this mean that my brother isn't really my brother? Or that he is my brother, but so are 10 or 20 other guys? And does anyone really know who those guys' moms are? Maybe I was grown in a laboratory and hatched underwater, like a Sea Monkey. Mill Monkey, I could call myself. Perhaps all of the scientists and lab techs involved consider themselves my mom. Yeah, that sorta makes sense. It sure makes more sense than any other explanation I can think of right now. I just refuse to believe that my loyal readers would try to be funny and pretend to be my mom. That's just depraved. Shame on you for even considering it.

Would the Mill's five moms please stand up?

So that's what we'll go with. Henceforth, I shall proclaim on my resume, in interviews, and during casual conversation that I was hatched underwater from an egg, and that I have not one mother, but five - two of them are Indian, one is Hispanic, and my other two moms are Jewish men (typical makeup of any advanced genetics lab). The African-American woman was on vacation that week, so she's more of an aunt or godmother.

No comments: