Back from the Honeymoon, with a whole lot to write about. Here are just a few things you can expect to hear about during the upcoming days and weeks:
1) I have observations from Hawaii - our honeymoon destination. It’s the most remote island chain in the world. Yet, you can easily find Costco, Burger King, and Macaroni Grill. But Hawaii is so much more than strip malls in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. More to follow on this.
2) Wedding facts and figures – it all went off without a hitch. I can tell it actually happened because I got some kind of metal circle around my finger now. The damn thing won’t come off, no matter how hard I try. I’ve used soap, butter, and lasers – but to no avail.
3) Sports scores and predictions – the Eagles will NOT win the Super Bowl this year.
4) Recipes and fashion tips. I learned a lot from my wife over the past 2 weeks - being that we pretty much didn’t interact with anyone else during that time. Like how to crochet, and which shoe designers are the hottest this season.
5) What it’s like to be married!!! It’s pretty cool so far. I own her, and I’m waiting for the dowry to arrive by freight train – 40 head of sheep, 2 dozen goats, and 500 cubits of papyrus
Monday, January 18, 2010
I'm Back From the Honeymoon!!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wedding Registry Madness - The Battle Continues
The battle continues – to fully stock our registry with items of the utmost utility, and within a reasonable price range.
To that end, and with Jaimi’s mom in town leading the charge – the Brigadier General of housewares and kitchen tools – we headed to Bloomingdale’s in midtown Manhattan. Jaimi had already added a handful of items to the registry, so I assumed we were in good shape. But according to Bloomingdale’s, we needed to add thousands and thousands of dollars worth of dishes, silverware, linens, small electrics (no luck with my attempt to add a big-screen TV to the registry) and knick-knacks to the list.
Keep in mind we were visiting the Bloomie’s mega-store, with 9 floors, 250 departments, and about 500 billion square feet of floor space – most of it reserved for the non-clearance, and up to 10% off select items. In other words, we weren’t here to shop for recession-priced bargains.
But let’s get back to the battle. I should mention that I find it helpful to pretend that the Wedding Registry is an enemy MiG-29 fighter (Soviet-built), and Jaimi and I are in a dogfight. We’re flying supersonic, in our own F-16, with Jaimi’s mom providing sea support behind the giant guns of a far-off battleship.
This Soviet MiG withstood numerous strikes from my barcode scanner. Here, it fires a missile at a Le Creuset cast-iron crockpot, to demonstrate the cookware's amazing durability.Jaimi’s the navigator, and I’m the gunner – which is a very apt analogy. She leads me around the store while I zap items with the wireless handheld barcode scanner. It’s sort of like a big, electronic pacifier for recently engaged men. I clipped mine to my belt. That was pretty cool.
After shooting about 25 gaping holes into the figurative fuselage of the MiG Fighter/Wedding Registry (by adding items like a pizza pan and a coffee grinder), we decided it was time to head back to home base. We were running low on fuel and ammunition. After all, we hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and the barcode scanner’s battery meter showed half-full.
At the end of the sortie, the enemy was damaged, but not killed. Obviously, this will be a long and arduous campaign – maybe even a bit more dangerous than we had originally thought. But with a few more well=placed shots from the barcode scanner, this registry will be toast.
As we walked through Bloomingdale’s, we noticed a number of young couples adding items to their registry. The telltale barcode scanner was the only evidence we needed to come to that conclusion. And in every case, the guy was holding the scanner, while the lady led the way.
If only I knew in which secret combat mission or athletic competition these men imagined themselves, as they roamed the kitchen and home department. I could use a few more ideas, as the whole fighter jet thing is really pretty stupid.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
To Plan a Wedding, Part 1 – It’s the Open Bar, Stupid!
This may or may not be a short-lived series of posts.
If you’re a regular reader of this site (both of you know who you are – three-letter names, both palindromes; one of you gave birth to me; the other one is a man whom I lived with for my entire childhood and is married to the first one) then you’d know that Jaimi and I are engaged.
It turns out that this doesn’t just mean I had to drop a bunch of dough to freeze that little ring finger of hers with some serious ice - it's a wonder she doesn't get frostbite.
There’s also a big party to plan.
In fact, Jaimi and her Mom already took care of much of the difficult and dangerous work. We have the venue, the caterer, etc. Hell, Jaimi even has her dress. We still need to procure a skilled and financially stable photographer who does it just for the love of art – or something like that. And an economical, yet totally awesome band comprised mostly of precocious, angsty teens who’ll perform for nothing more than a taste of the open bar.
And speaking of open bar, that’s the most important piece of the entire affair. Keep in mind, Jaimi is something of a teetotaler, and I only really drink when my manhood is challenged - during football games, hunting trips, and Gossip Girl marathons - but I think we’d both agree that our guests will REQUIRE a fully stocked, premium, top-shelf, no tips allowed, open bar.
We may even have vodka ice flumes, and a separate martini bar with all the fixins.
The other option is to have the wedding sponsored by p.i.n.k. vodka – the only ultra-smooth, imported, premium vodka flawlessly infused with caffeine and guarana. That way, the party would last into the wee hours of the morning. Of course, I’ll be asleep by 11pm. And Jaimi will probably be asleep by 9. But remember, it’s all about the guests. And we want them - first and foremost - to have a great time.
And to that end, I would gladly sell out and make the wedding a big advertisement for liquor - if it meant massive amounts of discounted/free booze, and free glow-in-the-dark party favors for everyone.
But this is not a decision to be taken lightly. Jaimi , myself, and both sets of parents (no, we’re not related!) will have to weigh our options carefully - although the full sponsorship route is sounding more and more appealing by the minute.
Now it’s time to think about the rest of the wedding entertainment – band, caricaturist, mime, jugglers, mechanical bull, etc.
A wedding is not complete without a motorized cow of some sort.The motto of this party is going to be “kick boredom’s ass!” That’s why the mechanical bull is such a crucial component.
More to follow…..
Thursday, December 25, 2008
The Wedding Registry - What to Choose?
Perhaps the most important aspect of planning a wedding is choosing the right registry – also known as “what gifts besides cash are you going to receive.”
Now, if it were up to me, I’d register at Chase, Wachovia, The U.S. Treasury, Best Buy, and Outback Steakhouse. Cash, cash, cash, big-screen TV’s, and steak. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate a lifetime of commitment to the woman you love.
But, I don’t really have the final say in any of this. And also, apparently we need flatware. Lots and lots of flatware. So we’re registered at Crate and Barrel, Bed, Bath and Beyond, Bloomingdale’s, and probably a couple of other places that sell flatware.
It seems likely that we’ll have 40 place settings once the wedding is over.
So what else – besides plenty of forks, knives, and spoons – is important to include on one’s wedding registry? I’m probably not the right person to ask, really. I’ve already made my opinion known in regards to cash-money, beef, and big-screens.
I also like puppies, cars, and fine Italian men’s suits.
Would any of that please my wife? The one who’s allergic to dogs? And hasn’t driven since she was 17? And is a woman, so never wears men’s suits?
No. I’m being selfish. This day is supposed to be about US. Not about ME. So we need to choose things that we can use together. Such as flatware. Or tandem bicycles.
Linens and towels are good. Kitchen appliances could benefit both of us. Cleaning supplies and a Roomba would be nice. Now I’m thinking as a husband, and not as a self-absorbed bachelor. Boy, am I proud of myself.
But still, all of these things can be purchased with CASH. I can’t help but come back to that again and again. Everything can be bought with cash, whether it’s something selfish or something that both of us can enjoy equally. CASH is the answer.
And consider the fact that most ladies no longer come with a dowry - a few head of cattle, several goats, maybe a few acres of decent farm land – cash can buy all of those things.
So the next time you go to a wedding, think about the happy couple – and what would make them happiest. I’ll give you a hint – it’s greenish, papery, smells a little like old gym clothes, and has pictures of dead white guys on it.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Instant Best Man Speech
I was in Hawaii last week for a little vacation. But mixed in with the vacation was my friend's wedding - the one who owns the bra business. So you know there were free bras for everyone in the goodie bags. The celebration was a great excuse to get away from the many afflictions of life in the big city. So, if only for a week, I got to max, relax, and drink virgin daiquiris on the beaches of Kauai.
All of this traveling to weddings, and what not, reminded me of how hard it can be to conceive a high-quality Best Man speech. Top-notch material is not easy to come by. It's simple enough to find the standard lines, the icebreakers, the trite toasts, and cobble together a passable excuse for a speech. But it still has to be personalized for the happy couple. Otherwise, the audience will suspect you ripped it off of the internet.
I was not the Best Man at this wedding, so I didn't really have to worry about coming up with a classy, yet delicately vulgar speech. I don't need to remind you that there's an incredibly fine line between crass and class. And let me tell you.....I'm here to help you erase that line. Below, you'll find a template for the perfect Best Man speech. All you need to do is fill in the relevant names, and choose the correct choices for time of day, etc. It's almost too easy. Note: Please use with caution. After you deliver this speech, you will likely be asked to help others with their speeches at future events. Kindly decline. And run away.
"Today, ______, is a day that will live in infamy. Oops. Wrong speech. Or is it?
But seriously, hello everbody. Good evening/morning/afternoon/kwanzaa. My name is _______, and I'm the Best Man for this glorious occasion. I'd like to start off by saying how honored I am to be here, along with the rest of you, to celebrate this holy union between two beautiful human beings. I use the word "beautiful" only because I've always been very, very attracted to the bride (wink at bride). And I can't for the life of me figure out how my dear friend,"Groom" scored a chick quite so hot. It's unfair, quite frankly. But so is life.
All kidding aside, I've known "Groom" for years, and I can honestly say it's been quite a wild ride. I think it's fantastic to see someone like "Bride" be able to tame the wild stallion that is my friend, "Groom". Of course, a small part of that bucking bronco is still alive and kicking, so to speak. But "Bride" has somehow managed to dig her proverbial spurs deep into "Groom's" proverbial flanks, and keep the wild beast in check....for now at least (long, uncomfortable pause).
As a matter of decorum, I need to thank Mr. and Mrs. ______ for bringing us together, and paying for this beautiful venue. The wonderful band. The beautiful flowers. The plentiful hot food. And of course, the open bar. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. ______. And especially for the open bar!! (wait for laughter to subside)
The free-flowing booze reminds me of a time when "Groom", myself, and a few other friends went to Vegas/Cancun/Mykonos/Fire Island/Rio for the weekend. It was not so long ago, and the brilliant memories are still blazingly seared into my mind, even through the thick haze of alcohol and drugs that we all consumed with great verve. I won't give too much away. We had a blast. And the beautiful bride should know that her new husband behaved himself, for the most part. Let's just say that the stripper wasn't dead when I last saw her/him, and I'm fairly certain the groom had nothing to do with her/his actual death, technically speaking. It appeared to be an accident - especially with the Shetland pony, the transvestite midget, and the hot tub filled with jello right there on the scene. Don't worry, the pony didn't remember a thing when questioned by the police (again, wait for laughter to subside). No charges were filed. And so here we are celebrating this magnificent event. I should also acknowledge that the aforementioned weekend romp wasn't even the bachelor party. Boy, would "Groom" KILL me if I gave away any of those details!! Talk about wild. I had to literally wash my eyes out with soap after seeing some of the things "Groom" did that night.
But enough about old memories and tales of yore. This day is about cherishing the present, and looking forward to a future filled with the love created by these two wonderful human beings. The world's a better place for it. And I consider myself the luckiest Best Man on the face of the earth. "Groom", you are a total badass for procuring such a sexy young bride, especially considering some of the garbage you've settled for in the past, both male and female. And "Bride", you are the sweetest, nicest, hottest little thing any of us have ever scored. So I'm still not sure what you're doing here.
And with that, let us raise our glasses. A toast to the groom's good luck, and the bride's hotness. To their love for each other, and our love for them. May they be together for eternity, blessed by Jesus/Allah/Buddha/Vishnu/Hashem/Zeus. And may their offspring look like their mother and be able to drink like their father. Cheers."
