Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Wedding Registry Madness - The Battle Continues

The battle continues – to fully stock our registry with items of the utmost utility, and within a reasonable price range.

To that end, and with Jaimi’s mom in town leading the charge – the Brigadier General of housewares and kitchen tools – we headed to Bloomingdale’s in midtown Manhattan. Jaimi had already added a handful of items to the registry, so I assumed we were in good shape. But according to Bloomingdale’s, we needed to add thousands and thousands of dollars worth of dishes, silverware, linens, small electrics (no luck with my attempt to add a big-screen TV to the registry) and knick-knacks to the list.

Keep in mind we were visiting the Bloomie’s mega-store, with 9 floors, 250 departments, and about 500 billion square feet of floor space – most of it reserved for the non-clearance, and up to 10% off select items. In other words, we weren’t here to shop for recession-priced bargains.

But let’s get back to the battle. I should mention that I find it helpful to pretend that the Wedding Registry is an enemy MiG-29 fighter (Soviet-built), and Jaimi and I are in a dogfight. We’re flying supersonic, in our own F-16, with Jaimi’s mom providing sea support behind the giant guns of a far-off battleship.

This Soviet MiG withstood numerous strikes from my barcode scanner. Here, it fires a missile at a Le Creuset cast-iron crockpot, to demonstrate the cookware's amazing durability.

Jaimi’s the navigator, and I’m the gunner – which is a very apt analogy. She leads me around the store while I zap items with the wireless handheld barcode scanner. It’s sort of like a big, electronic pacifier for recently engaged men. I clipped mine to my belt. That was pretty cool.

After shooting about 25 gaping holes into the figurative fuselage of the MiG Fighter/Wedding Registry (by adding items like a pizza pan and a coffee grinder), we decided it was time to head back to home base. We were running low on fuel and ammunition. After all, we hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, and the barcode scanner’s battery meter showed half-full.

At the end of the sortie, the enemy was damaged, but not killed. Obviously, this will be a long and arduous campaign – maybe even a bit more dangerous than we had originally thought. But with a few more well=placed shots from the barcode scanner, this registry will be toast.

As we walked through Bloomingdale’s, we noticed a number of young couples adding items to their registry. The telltale barcode scanner was the only evidence we needed to come to that conclusion. And in every case, the guy was holding the scanner, while the lady led the way.

If only I knew in which secret combat mission or athletic competition these men imagined themselves, as they roamed the kitchen and home department. I could use a few more ideas, as the whole fighter jet thing is really pretty stupid.

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