Friday, February 20, 2009

EVERYONE is on Facebook Except For You

My Mom’s on Facebook. Your Mom’s probably on Facebook. For God’s sake, my 3-month old nephew is on Facebook (not kidding).

So clearly, Facebook must be awesome. I don’t think an infant would go to the trouble of learning how to logon and create an account before learning how to sit upright, crawl, or go to the bathroom on his own. Well, actually - I’m sure my brother and sister-in-law would quickly correct me on this - I believe he has no trouble eliminating waste. No trouble at all. But he can’t use the potty just yet.

Still, he uses Facebook.

Facebook is the ubiquitous social website. Through a combination of technical skill, and marketing wizardry, it has out-Googled Friendster, and out-Ebayed MySpace. I think it’s even out-MySpaced Yahoo!, and arguably out-YouTubed Adult Friendfinder. In other words, Facebook is perfectly positioned to dominate cyberspace for years to come.

What does this mean for those of you out there in the English-speaking world whom have yet to join Facebook? You know who you are. Both of you.

Well, first of all, you’re probably reading this on a Commodore 64, or Texas Instruments 99/4A. Get a new computer. Facebook’s content is all about pictures, videos, annoying friend requests, and add-on applications. Your old, pathetic, 10 kHz Apple II+ can’t handle it.

Secondly, you’re most likely in your underwear in your grandparents’ basement. The saddest part about it is not that your underwear hasn’t been washed for 2 weeks, but that your grandparents have been dead for 15 years, and all that remains of their abandoned house is the basement – the upper floors were destroyed by that big-ass tornado 6 years ago.

So basically, you’re homeless, in very dirty underwear, with limited dial-up internet access on an ancient computer. It sounds a lot like hell.

Of course, I’m presenting these circumstances only as an example – an analogy of sorts, for what it must be like to live without Facebook membership. Your actual underwear may be perfectly clean, and you may even own a slick new Dell laptop with plenty of RAM.

The point is, if you’re not on Facebook, you’re not part of the modern internet-centric world. It’s almost like not having electric lights, or not having an iPhone.


So if you’re not on Facebook, get with the program! Get your ass signed up, and start annoying former friends whom you haven’t spoken to in 30 years.

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Anonymous said...

Pure comedy... Until you had to go and joke about the dead grandparents. This poor soul doesn't even have an iPhone and you're mocking the deaths of the last 2 people to put a roof over his head?? Even my 3 1/2 month old, facebook using infant knows that's just plain wrong.

The Mill said...

Sometimes, I just say things for the shock value. Even a 3.5 month old can detect the subtle nuances of my blog posts, and determine quite quickly whether to be outraged or not.

If the baby is outraged, he will immediately take a dump. If no dump, then no outrage.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Mill. There have been several dumps since your post. Baby is clearly outraged.