Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A-Rod and Steroids - The Couric Effect

So it turns out that A-Rod’s not perfect. Finally, the fans have something for which to hate him. Previously New York’s poster boy sweetheart hero-under-pressure, A-Rod is now the target of slanderous remarks, and some really mean looks.

Yes, I’m being sarcastic. I realize that Rodriguez cheated on his wife with a stripper, and he really sucks balls come playoff time – or whenever the Yankees are behind in the later innings.

Wait a minute. People have hated this guy wherever he’s played. And people will always hate him, no matter what he does or does not do. Or what he puts or does not put into himself. If he eats 25 hot dogs for lunch, people will say he’s unhealthy. If he eats a large, delicious salad, those same folks will say he’s harming the environment by consuming all those innocent plants.

These people are known as “player haters.” The etymology of the terms is as follows: Alex Rodriguez is a baseball “player.” And these intolerable fans “hater” him.

Still, one has to admit that there’s a lot to hate about A-Rod. He’s fabulously successful beyond comprehension, highly handsome, and the absolute best in the world at what he does – steroids or no steroids. In fact, I’m beginning to seethe right now as I think about how awesome he is.

Is it the guy’s fault that he’s so cool and awesome?

No. But he doesn’t have to be such an asshole about it. The steroid revelation only adds fuel to the fire. At least he publicly apologized for this transgression - but only after being outed by an anonymous source, and perhaps most despicably, after lying to Katie Couric’s face back in December, 2007.

Alex, how could you lie to Katie? And right to her face, no less. This is something that one just does not do without suffering major repercussions. Couric controls a worldwide network of anonymous sources, ready to investigate and report back to her on anything she commands. Legions of newspaper, TV, and radio goons at her disposal. Her word is their marching order. They fear her because they cannot see her. But she is always watching.

Couric can ruin your life with one phone call.

ALEX, YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH KATIE. It’s a simple matter of fact. And it would seem that you learned it the hard way. Ms. Couric could probably sense that you were not entirely truthful with her during that fateful interview. And she spent over a year trying to bring you to your knees.

Guess what? She won. She always wins.

O.J., Sonny Bono, Pac-man Jones, Mark McGwire, Bryant Gumbel. They all paid the price. And now she can add you to the list. A figurative notch in her literal bedpost, if you will.

For A-Rod, the worst is probably over. The damage has been done, and he can move on with his career – albeit a now tainted career. He’s lucky that Katie Couric let him off easy this time. She probably thinks he’s cute.

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JG said...

Let's not forget how Katie single-handedly took down Sarah Palin.

The Mill said...

You shouldn't have said that. Katie will find you and destroy you as well if she senses even a hint of sarcasm.