How is Steve Jobs going to convince me to buy an iPad? I know it’s going to happen, but how the hell is he going to do it? I can’t quite figure it out just yet.
It’s as if I committed a robbery, and I forgot to get the surveillance tape. I know the cops are looking at it, and they’ll be able to track me down quickly because of my unusual gait and distinctive style of dress - just ask around town. It’s only a question of when they’ll find me.
And so I wait for the knock on the door, “Mr. Mill, please open up. It’s the police. As soon as you open the door we will taser you regardless of whether you resist us. We will also most likely sodomize you with a baton.”
So I sit on the sofa and wait for my door to be busted down, and my ass to be tasered and/or batoned.
In many ways, this is what I’m waiting for Steve Jobs and the Apple Gestapo to do. Except they’ll be gentler. But also much more expensive.
“You have the right to remain silent. You also have the right to pay for your new iPad with Visa, Mastercard, or American Express. Hell, we even accept Discover!!”
So it’s going to happen. It’s only a matter of time. But let’s be honest: the thing looks like a giant, joke iPhone. Now, I think giant, joke everyday items are as hilarious as all get-out, but would I spend upwards of $600 to get one? Maybe for a giant, joke gold watch, or a giant, joke plasma TV. But do I really need a giant, joke cell phone in order to check my email and download movies, music, and eBooks?
The answer, of course, is yes. The logic, however, is not so patently obvious.
Why do I need the iPad? Maybe it will repel unsavory women, now that I’m married. Perhaps it will keep me from being bored, and thus prevent me from drunk eBaying.
Steve Jobs says it’s the best way to surf the internet, and when you watch movies or TV shows (downloaded only from iTunes, of course) it’s like sticking an HDTV right in your stupid Apple-loving face.
This all sounds great to me, and I’m already much closer to being convinced. My wallet’s out. It’s on the table. I can see one of several valid credit cards from here. If only it was 60 days from now, I’d actually be able to buy one.
Does the iPad also feature a Time Machine function? If so, I’ll buy one last week.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The iPad - When and Why Will I Get One?
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New iPhone Features Revealed - In My Dreams
A sweet breeze is blowing. It seems to be coming from Steve Jobs. With the second generation iPhone rumored to be on the possible verge of potential release, it only remains to be seen from which Jobs orifice this breeze will come.
Can it possibly meet my expectations? Probably not, as you’ll see below.
But at the same time, as an anxious owner of the first generation iPhone, I sorta hope that the second one isn’t too much better than the first.
Alas, that’s the risk of the early adopter. And I accepted that risk when I activated my iPhone nearly 6 months ago. Actually, it was already available for several months before I got one (as a gift from Jaimi – thanks again dear), so I’m nowhere near the earliest of adopters.
But still, I’ll die a little bit inside if the new version of the iPhone really kicks the old one’s ass.
New iPhone will not come with real fish preserved under the clear touchscreen glass...or will it?Here are a few new features that I’ve heard MIGHT be included in the next-generation iPhone. Keep in mind I heard these inside my own head while I slept - so please spread this around the internet as if I were Steve Jobs’s pool boy, and found some secret iPhone plans in the cabana.
1) Phillips head screwdriver
2) Bullshit detector
3) 32 gigabytes of memory.......built into the headphones
4) Gasoline-powered
5) Silent ringer choices include "Vibrate," “Electric Shock” and “Liquid Explosion”
6) Gaydar
7) Dog whistle
8) Pepper mill
9) 200 gigabyte built-in pornography library
10) Phone itself is redeemable for 100 Starbucks coffees
