So I did, in fact, get the iPhone 4S on Friday - pre-ordered and delivered to my door. No waiting in line required. It was a beautiful experience. And as is surely the case with the other 4 million or so new iPhone owners, I 've spent a decent amount of time playing with Siri, the new iPhone’s personal assistant. In theory, Siri can help you find restaurants, make appointments, send emails, check the weather, and rhyme with the word “theory.” I have generally found Siri to only be useful for that last item listed.
Mostly, I just want to digitally choke her.
She seems to actually work about 25% of the time, and the rest of the time either can’t understand what I’m saying - although I haven’t tried a British accent yet - or has trouble connecting to “The Network.”
I understand Siri was released as a beta product - so no guarantees that it’ll work perfectly. And after sniffing around the web a bit, it’s clear that I’m not the only one having problems. Furthermore, don’t believe some of the quick fixes that are out there on tech blogs, etc. - such as resetting your network connections and/or restarting the phone, and turning Siri on and off. If they work, it’s only by chance. I’ve tried.
It appears that it’s some kind of network issue - likely due to millions of lonely iPhone users trying to talk to Siri at the same time - and Apple’s servers just can’t handle the overload of emotional neediness. Apple seems to have underestimated the broken dreams and neurotic insecurities of their user base. They just want someone to talk to, is all. And they want that someone to not be a human, but to be an iPhone. Is that so much to ask?
Personally, I love the phone, and would love it even more if it could also be my friend. It would be my first inanimate friend since early childhood - or maybe a bit more recently than that, if I’m being honest with myself. But I’ve made it this far without Siri, and I expect I’ll be able to make it a bit further. Luckily, I haven’t forgotten how to perform a Google search for “Italian restaurants near zip code 19147”, or type an email or text message.
Because once Siri’s working like a charm, and people are fully dependent on it, I believe the next iPhone update will feature an intracranial implant of some sort. Just close one eye, and it dials. Think about pizza, and Siri 2.0 orders it for you. Siri 2.0 will also allow you to taste sounds, and see other people’s thoughts. It’s simply a matter of time.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Siri and Her Serious Problems
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Jobless and the Jobs-less
With unemployment at a very shitty 9.1%, a double-dip recession looming, the Phillies knocked out of the playoffs prematurely, and the release of Hugh Jackman’s latest steaming pile of crap “Real Steel” in theaters now, it didn’t seem like anything else could really go wrong. I mean, what else could possibly happen that could make things worse than they already are?
And then Steve Jobs died. My iPhone literally shed tears and the screen faded to black. Which, of course, voids the warranty and fries the circuit board. Now I’m literally forced to get a new one. Apparently, liquid originating from inside the iPhone is even worse than liquid on the outside - like when you drop it in the toilet, as I’m sure we’ve all done at one time or another. My advice: if it’s a public toilet, just let it go, man.
Anyway, Jobs was truly the man with the master plan. Apple was well on its way to unrestricted world domination before his untimely passing. And who’s to say if his dream will ultimately be realized without him. So far, things don’t look good. The new iPhone - the 4S - endured a rather tepid reception due to the fact that it can’t drive your car for you, or teach your dog how to read. Furthermore, it doesn’t contain a bottle opener, or a laser leveling device for hanging pictures. Other people were disappointed that it didn’t have a redesigned body. Superficial bastards. For that, I couldn’t care less.
I for one, am waiting for my dream iPhone to be made a reality. Jobs and his fellow imagineers had done a nice job - gotten off to a strong start. But there’s so much more work to be done. Sure, maybe the iPhone features I mention above only appeared in one of my more recent iPhone dreams. Maybe technology can’t yet control a car via wireless radio signals, or teach a poodle how to pronounce “pusillanimous.” It’s crazy, I know. But one thing that Steve Jobs and I had in common is that we’re both dreamers. Call us visionaries. Call us futurists. Call me "Skittles." But don’t call me on my iPhone and tell me not to dream. That’s like telling Albert Einstein to comb his hair. Or telling the Philadelphia Eagles defense to tackle a running back.
It's not gonna happen.
For nostalgia's sake, some of my previous iPhone dream features included: integrated egg timer; jumper cables; fruit-flavored touchscreen; baby wipes dispenser; built-in breathalyzer and rape whistle (depending on which end you blow into).
The list goes on an on from there, trust me. The only dreams of mine that Apple has so far included in any of its iPhones is the fact that the device makes me more popular, and better-looking. I’m pretty sure I also lose about 8 or 9 pounds whenever I upgrade, but we’ll have to see if the iPhone 4S can improve on those statistics. Stay tuned.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
We Put a Man on the Moon – That’s Nothing Compared to the iPhone
You always hear people say it. Or at least I’m always saying it:
“We put a man on the moon, for God’s sake!! Why can’t we (blank)?”
The “blank” is usually something to do with traffic jams, food preparation, government services, or most often the D.M.V. So this week, when we celebrated the 40th anniversary of man’s first mission to the moon, I had to say, “Big fucking deal.”
What do you think those astronauts of Apollo XI from 1969 would think about my iPhone?
They’d be totally blown away. Imagine this: Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the other guy who never actually got to walk on the moon come back from their otherworldly journey. I’m there to greet them. I hand them the iPhone.
It would totally blow their minds. They’d forget all about the moon.
“You mean to tell me, I can keep all of my Beatles albums AND my Simon and Garfunkel records on this one little device?” Aldrin would ask, incredulously.
“How is it that my wife fits inside this small device and talks to me through this little hole?!?!” Armstrong would remark in sheer wonderment, as his wife Lily shouts at him for being late for dinner.
“Why is it that no one remembers my name?” the other Apollo XI astronaut guy would say, through a salty veil of tears.
But more than anything, they would marvel at the iPhone’s ease of use, its advanced interface, its sleek design. GPS, video, 32 gigabytes of memory, hours and hours of battery life. The list goes on and on.
And the apps. Oh my God, the apps!!
“Hey Buzz, what do you feel like for dinner?” I’d ask, slyly holding the iPhone next to my ear.
“Oh, what are you going to do with that thing? Call the operator and ask her to suggest a place to grab some grub? Let me tell you, I sure am tired of astronaut food!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!”
I’d then fake him out and use the Yelp! app, or some other program that takes advantage of the iPhone’s location-based capabilities. Aldrin’s mind would be even further blown when I return the name, address, phone number AND menu of 75 different barbecue joints within a 2 mile radius.
I guess the point is - looking back 40 years - sure the lunar landing was pretty sweet. The moon is really, really fucking far. And these brave souls ventured from the comfort of an oxygen-containing atmosphere into the vacuum of space, protected only by a late 60’s space craft – probably made mostly of wood and vinyl, or other 1960’s era materials.
So these astronauts were brave. The moon is fucking far. Their spaceship was made out of Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs. But the iPhone is just plain ridiculous in comparison.
And that’s my point.
Monday, June 22, 2009
iPhone 3GS Update - True Love
As you probably assumed, I haven’t put my new iPhone down since I got it on Friday. I’m truly, madly in love with it. How do I know for sure?
- I would save it from a burning building.
- I’ve bequeathed it my Great Grandfather’s name, as a middle name.
- I’m thinking of buying it a car seat.
- I frequently let it out of my pocket so it can get plenty of air.
- I don’t charge the battery for long periods of time – I’m worried that the plug may cause some discomfort.
- My fiancée is jealous as hell, and I'm afraid she may try to flush it down the toilet or boil it in a pot of water.
While we’re at it, let me hand out a particularly fresh and funky brand of kudos to Apple for shipping the iPhone on time - so that I didn’t have to even consider waiting in line with a bunch of Star Wars geeks at a physical store. Home activation was 100% seamless, and it was a cinch to transfer all the info from my old phone to the new one.
To be clear, my love for Apple is different than my love for the iPhone. It’s more of a love-at-a-distance type of feeling - like how you might feel love for Bo Obama, even though you know you’ll never get to meet him.
But the iPhone feeling, well, that’s as near as the smell of summer dew in the morning. It’s close to your heart, like your hometown, or memories of a childhood friend. It’s a leisurely drive along the coast, and a night of fireworks down at the pier. It’s your favorite food and your favorite movie. It’s all of these things.
But it’s also not at all sexual, lest you think I’m some kind of iPhone freak. That would be as unnatural as a Twinkie.
Anyway, my full review of the new iPhone is forthcoming. I’m trying to find something that I don’t like about it in order to keep my review fair and balanced.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The Newest iPhone
When you heard the news about the next iteration of the iPhone, were you: Excited? Disappointed? Angry? Satisfied? Carefree and bra-less? In the middle of something more important, like cleaning the fuzz out of your hairdryer?
Or were you just trying to rationalize why you need to trade in your old, first-generation, stone-age iPhone in order to get a new one?
If you’re anything like me – which I hope you’re not, for my sake, as I can often be self-loathing – then you spent the hours after the new iPhone’s announcement rationalizing the upgrade. I mean come on, the new one has a compass. I NEED a compass in my cell phone. It’s about goddam time somebody crammed a compass into a phone, if you ask me.
And so, I placed an order for the compass-containing, faster-than-Hermes, smarter-than-Athena iPhone 3GS. And while we’re on the Greek gods references, can we all just admit that Steve Jobs is the Zeus of the technology world? An unseen force, firing thunderbolts of ingenuity and user-friendliness from his mountaintop palace.
Furthermore, you don’t have to camp out for 72 hours in order to get the new iPhone. You can order it online and they’ll mail it to you – or knowing Apple, they’ll figure out a way to email it to you. It’ll be delivered on June 19th, so I’ll have to wait until then to see the actual method of delivery.
Did I need to get a new phone? Does my life require downloads at 3G speeds, and 32 gigabytes of storage? Did I mention the new iPhone has a compass?
No, no, and yes. But one fantastic way to rationalize the expense is that I can probably sell my old iPhone for pretty close to what the new one costs. Apparently, the old one can be “jailbroken” which means that you can hack into the system and opne up the phone for use on any GSM cell phone network. Or, it contains a large amount of gold within its circuitry. I’m not sure.
In any case, it’s somewhat valuable to certain people on eBay. And so, on eBay it shall go. Unless one of you wants to buy it. You will get special Mill pricing and free shipping. The special pricing may be higher or lower than you’d pay elsewhere, but it will be very very special – it will be converted from US dollars into Israeli shekels, then into drachma, then into rinminbi, then back into US dollars.
Anyway, I’ll have a full review of the new iPhone when it arrives via whatever futuristic method Apple deems appropriate.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
A Serious Challenge to World iPhone Domination?
The T-Mobile G1, announced Tuesday, will be Google’s first foray into the mobile phone market. It will also be their next step towards world domination.
It has a touch-screen, GPS, a full-size keyboard, and a Google-designed operating system that will enable the phone to surf the internet, locate the nearest Starbucks, and scan the horizon for incoming enemy missiles.
HTC, a Taiwanese electronics manufacturer, will be building the new phones. So the phones will not make or accept calls to or from Chinese area codes. Within China, rather than operate on T-Mobile's Chinese network, the phone will transform into a $179 paper weight.
But seriously, there's no way this thing will present a serious challenge to the mighty iPhone. It doesn't look cool enough. It doesn't have a catchy name. And everyone already has an iPhone, so why would they buy this thing. Lastly, no one uses T-Mobile.
My G1 review, from only seeing a couple pictures and reading one article? The phone is crap. It's big, awkward, and won't make me cooler.
The HTC T1: Pre-cursor to the G1. Tiny keypad is located within cartoon girl's buttons. Pressing the dog's nose turns on speaker phone. Americans' sausage fingers could not operate these functions, leading to the phone's demise.
Who are they kidding? Clearly not as cool as the iPhone. But big keyboard, clear controls, large icons. will make chubby American hands happy.
Sorry Google, you'll have to do a little better than this to get my money. And my respect.
Friday, July 11, 2008
iPhone 3G Release - Day 1 - Incomprehensible Nightmare of Herculean Proportions
As you may have heard, the new iPhone 3G came out today. And as I wrote yesterday, I was kinda hoping for some sort of problem with the launch - mostly so I wouldn't be too jealous of the new iPhone owners.
My old, first generation iPhone is very sensitive, and so am I.
Well, I've seen the ridiculously long i-lines, and the i-servers crashing. For a while, no one could i-activate their new iPhones.
600,000 iPhone zealots wait in line 3 days before the iPhone 3G goes on sale - crippling downtown Philadelphia.It was a veritable i-saster. An i-mare, if you will. It got so bad that Apple employees began giving out hugs and emotional support, in lieu of technical assistance.
And as it turned out, I wasn't so happy about the whole debacle. If anything, I felt sorry for the poor i-fools who must have been ever so dis-i-ppointed, on what was supposed to be a day full of joy and i-fun.
I tried to imagine how I would have felt if I'd slept outside the Apple store for 4 days.
How would I have felt after waiting under the punishing sun, badly dehydrated because I hadn't had any water in 24 hours - too afraid I'd lose my spot in line if I had to go take a pee?
How would I have felt being number 61 in line, at a store that only had 60 iPhones in stock?
I'd probably be in jail right now, having smashed through the Apple store's front window and flipped over several cars and a school bus in a furious rage of i-anger.
Frustrated - but normally serene and gentlemanly - iPhone fanatics flip out on the guy who snagged the last iPhone in the store.It's a good thing I decided to sit back and observe the initial carnage before upgrading.
I'm still a wee bit jealous of the new model's faster 3G network and GPS functionality. But I'll deal with it, and keep my old iPhone for now - along with my sanity.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
iPhone 3G - How Jealous Am I?
I've been a proud owner of a first generation, steam-powered, passenger-pigeon-required-for-text-messaging iPhone for almost 7 months now.
The new one comes out tomorrow, and some of the new features sound totally sweet.
To be clear, I don't regret owning the older iPhone. It was a gift from Jaimi - and a great gift at that - and it's provided me hours of entertainment via the slick touchscreen interface and full internet access.
I never get tired of checking celebrity gossip blogs and fantasy sports sites while in the bathroom at work.
But the new iPhone operates on AT & T's quick as balls 3G network. And it has GPS. And it has a sleeker profile. And I'm afraid people might laugh at me for having the old non-3G, non-GPS model.
So how do I minimize my jealousy towards those folks who are going to get their hands on the iPhone 3G, while I'm stuck here with the old version?
Only one way: if the new model's release is riddled with technical problems - maybe even a product recall. Then, people will long for the good ol' days of the original iPhone - the days of 3G wishes and GPS dreams.
My iPhone will suddenly be cool - and reliable - again. A sort of World War I propeller-powered biplane, to the the new iPhone's dangerous and fast World War II era Luftwaffe ME-262 (you can Wikipedia that one). And no, I am not comparing Steve Jobs to Hitler, just to be clear.
Only time will tell how jealous I'll be of new iPhone 3G owners. But hopefully - and by the good grace of Steve Jobs - they'll come out with a 3rd version of the iPhone soon enough, and my pain will be minimized.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
New iPhone Features Revealed - In My Dreams
A sweet breeze is blowing. It seems to be coming from Steve Jobs. With the second generation iPhone rumored to be on the possible verge of potential release, it only remains to be seen from which Jobs orifice this breeze will come.
Can it possibly meet my expectations? Probably not, as you’ll see below.
But at the same time, as an anxious owner of the first generation iPhone, I sorta hope that the second one isn’t too much better than the first.
Alas, that’s the risk of the early adopter. And I accepted that risk when I activated my iPhone nearly 6 months ago. Actually, it was already available for several months before I got one (as a gift from Jaimi – thanks again dear), so I’m nowhere near the earliest of adopters.
But still, I’ll die a little bit inside if the new version of the iPhone really kicks the old one’s ass.
New iPhone will not come with real fish preserved under the clear touchscreen glass...or will it?Here are a few new features that I’ve heard MIGHT be included in the next-generation iPhone. Keep in mind I heard these inside my own head while I slept - so please spread this around the internet as if I were Steve Jobs’s pool boy, and found some secret iPhone plans in the cabana.
1) Phillips head screwdriver
2) Bullshit detector
3) 32 gigabytes of memory.......built into the headphones
4) Gasoline-powered
5) Silent ringer choices include "Vibrate," “Electric Shock” and “Liquid Explosion”
6) Gaydar
7) Dog whistle
8) Pepper mill
9) 200 gigabyte built-in pornography library
10) Phone itself is redeemable for 100 Starbucks coffees
