Thursday, July 23, 2009

We Put a Man on the Moon – That’s Nothing Compared to the iPhone

You always hear people say it. Or at least I’m always saying it:

“We put a man on the moon, for God’s sake!! Why can’t we (blank)?”

The “blank” is usually something to do with traffic jams, food preparation, government services, or most often the D.M.V. So this week, when we celebrated the 40th anniversary of man’s first mission to the moon, I had to say, “Big fucking deal.”

What do you think those astronauts of Apollo XI from 1969 would think about my iPhone?

They’d be totally blown away. Imagine this: Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the other guy who never actually got to walk on the moon come back from their otherworldly journey. I’m there to greet them. I hand them the iPhone.

It would totally blow their minds. They’d forget all about the moon.

“You mean to tell me, I can keep all of my Beatles albums AND my Simon and Garfunkel records on this one little device?” Aldrin would ask, incredulously.

“How is it that my wife fits inside this small device and talks to me through this little hole?!?!” Armstrong would remark in sheer wonderment, as his wife Lily shouts at him for being late for dinner.

“Why is it that no one remembers my name?” the other Apollo XI astronaut guy would say, through a salty veil of tears.

But more than anything, they would marvel at the iPhone’s ease of use, its advanced interface, its sleek design. GPS, video, 32 gigabytes of memory, hours and hours of battery life. The list goes on and on.

And the apps. Oh my God, the apps!!

“Hey Buzz, what do you feel like for dinner?” I’d ask, slyly holding the iPhone next to my ear.

“Oh, what are you going to do with that thing? Call the operator and ask her to suggest a place to grab some grub? Let me tell you, I sure am tired of astronaut food!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!”

I’d then fake him out and use the Yelp! app, or some other program that takes advantage of the iPhone’s location-based capabilities. Aldrin’s mind would be even further blown when I return the name, address, phone number AND menu of 75 different barbecue joints within a 2 mile radius.

I guess the point is - looking back 40 years - sure the lunar landing was pretty sweet. The moon is really, really fucking far. And these brave souls ventured from the comfort of an oxygen-containing atmosphere into the vacuum of space, protected only by a late 60’s space craft – probably made mostly of wood and vinyl, or other 1960’s era materials.

So these astronauts were brave. The moon is fucking far. Their spaceship was made out of Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs. But the iPhone is just plain ridiculous in comparison.

And that’s my point.

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harris said...

This is the best thing you've written yet.

The Mill said...

Thanks dude. I'm glad you liked it, although Jaimi didn't seem to agree.

Are you related to Neil Armstrong? Or Steve Jobs?

JG said...

at this rate, i'll probably get to the moon before i get an iphone.

The Mill said...

Awww. I'll give you my iPhone.


That was a joke.