Thursday, April 30, 2009

I Have the Distinct Feeling the World is Coming to an End

You heard it here first. Call it Blogger’s Intuition, a sixth sense, or the ability to read a newspaper – but it sure feels like the end is nigh.

In ascending order of worldwide catastrophic implications: A-Rod is still injured; Chrysler is going bankrupt; Pakistan’s government nears collapse; North Korea is uppity again; my fantasy baseball hitters are batting a combined .247 on the season; Daniel Faraday’s character died on ‘Lost’; Spencer and Heidi are married – and may reproduce if given the opportunity; the H1N1 virus, aka swine flu, is practically guaranteed to go pandemic on all our asses.

What’s next? I’m afraid to even fathom a guess.

But here it goes anyway - a handful of fearless prognostications, further signaling the imminent demise of mankind. Just call me Millstradamus, the internet oracle.

1) Burger King unveils the “Swine Flu Whopper Deluxe.” The hearty sandwich contains, a ½ pound Angus beef patty, several doses of Tamiflu mixed in with Thousand Islands dressing, and five – count ‘em, five – thick, juicy strips of bacon from the country’s recently culled swine herds.

2) North Korea’s enigmatic leader, Kim Jong-Il, entices Hillary Clinton to visit Pyongyang with promises of “the best fake Gucci handbags you’ve ever fucking seen.” Once she arrives, he not only fails give her any handbags – or gifts of any kind - but also holds her hostage in exchange for complete control over the countries of South Korea and Japan. The world concedes.

3) Britney and K-Fed get back together.

4) Arlen Specter (D/R – PA) is exposed as a Republican Benedict Arnold, when he’s caught wearing a wire in the Senate Steam Room and Spa, while lounging with Chris Dodd (D - CT) and Harry Reid (D – NV). Apparently, the shirtless Specter and his handlers thought the listening device would be well hidden within his luxuriant, chest hair. They didn’t count on Dodd playfully trying to cop a feel on the 79 year-old , fifth term Senator. Resultant damage to Democrat-Republican relationships is irreconcilable.

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JG said...

the specter of specter's chest hair frightens me

The Mill said...

Nice word play. Well done JG.

Specter's body hair is the stuff of legend.

And Arlen is, genetically speaking, 25% bear. He's been known to roam the halls of government, hunting birds and small mammals, and frightening schoolchildren.