Sunday, April 26, 2009

Natalie Portman is Stalking Me

I’m not about to press charges or anything like that, but I feel like the evidence is pretty convincing. I saw her last week at a restaurant called “Five Points,” in Manhattan, while Jaimi and I were having brunch.

I know what you’re thinking - one celebrity sighting. Big deal. That shit happens all the time in New York. It’s difficult NOT to see a celebrity while you’re out and about in the big city.

And hey, I once shook Ron Jaworski’s hand - true story, and I haven't washed the hand since. So I’ve had my fair share of celebrity sightings.

But what really raised my stalker alert level to orange was the fact that I saw Ms. Portman again this Saturday. In my own neighborhood – about 1.5 blocks away from our apartment. She was walking an adorable Yorkie. I was paying so much attention to the dog that I almost missed her, even as she walked right by me.

The eye contact was brief, but the meaning of her silent stare was unmistakable – “I’m stalking you. How do you like them apples?”

As a young, hyper-popular starlet, Natalie Portman has doubtlessly encountered her fair share of mentally disturbed, stalky, and potentially stabby fans. I don’t think I could ever fall into that category myself. I’m just not the stalker type. Stalking seems like too much work, and I’m just too damn tired most of the time.

So is Natalie turning the tables on an average, non-stalker guy just to prove a point? And what might that point be? If you think it would serve the point of helping me understand how bad it feels to be stalked, you’d be wrong. It’s pretty cool.

After much soul-searching and Google-searching, the only reason I can think of for this behavior is that Natalie Portman is a huge fan of The Mill, She came across my blog after searching for “Costco chainsaw crab leg,” or “Juicy Couture Magic 8-ball.” (Try it out - I’m the number 2 and 3 results, respectively.) And she had to find out more.

The best way to do this is, naturally, stalking.

Well Natty, I’m sorry to say that I’m happily engaged, so you’re shit out of luck on that front. But I’d be more than happy to tell you a bit more about myself – if that will limit and/or end your stalking.

For instance, you may be interested to know that I drive a Mazda, and I own about 45 pairs of underwear. Additionally, I like to eat cottage cheese right out of the container, and I’ve become more of Mac guy over the past 2 years – what with the iMac and iPhone being such incredible phenomenons.

Finally, I don’t like cilantro but I do like chipotles.

If you need to know more, feel free to keep stalking.

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