Monday, April 27, 2009

Swine Flu – The Tastiest Flu of Them All

I think the most important thing we learned today – through all the constantly updated numbers of confirmed flu cases, and travel bans handed down by European douchebags – is that it’s still safe to eat bacon. I repeat: YOU MAY CONTINUE TO CONSUME BACON IN ANY QUANTITY YOU WISH.

The swine flu virus cannot survive the curing and cooking process. And what helps to make bacon so goddamn delicious, also makes it safe to eat. So go ahead, fry up another slab. That bacon is probably the last thing you’re likely to catch the flu from.

Listen - I’m just as alarmist as the next blogger. But I don’t think this swine flu thing is going to be as bad as some are saying. Sure, it killed well over 100 people in Mexico. But we really don’t know how many people caught the bug and didn’t die.

Because when it comes to flu pandemics, it’s all about the mortality rate, baby.

So right now, the news outlets are spouting some crap about 1,300 confirmed cases and 149 dead Mexican people. If those are the real numbers, then yes, that’s pretty fucking scary. Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people will be dead if they get the flu.

But the reality is that there are almost certainly many, many more cases of a much milder illness in Mexico, and elsewhere. These people were probably sick for a few days – maybe missed work for a week – and were back on their feet with no lasting ill effects. They weren’t counted as confirmed cases because they didn’t think much of their illness, didn’t even realize you could get sick from making out with a hog. No jokes about fat chicks, please.

The swine flu is not as deadly as it appears. Fear not. You will probably be fine, even if you do catch it from that asshole next to you on the subway who just sneezed with his mouth open. Indeed, that was a fine spray of saliva you just got in your eye. And of course, it’s swarming with flu viruses.

So, suffice it to say I’m actively stocking my cabinets with several months worth of canned food and bottled water. I’m hoarding gallons of gasoline in the bathtub, in case we need to make a run to the safety and sterility of Canada. And I’ve got about 5,000 rounds of ammo stuffed under the mattress – making for a very uncomfortable, but reassuringly lumpy night’s sleep.

But I wouldn’t overreact to the swine flu threat if I were you. It’s probably just a great excuse to work from home.

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Kit Walker said...

I absolutely 100% agree. Check out my post regarding the 'ohmygodweregonnadie' media party.

The Mill said...

Kit, I hope we're both right.

I know we may not be doctors, and we may not even play them on TV - but any disease with the word "swine" in it, isn't going to take down this mighty blogger.