Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tax Day is Here - Too Late to Evade it Now

If you’re on the east coast, you’ve got about 30 minutes to file. Left coasters have a few hours. The lucky Hawaiians have the rest of the evening.

For all Americans though, you need to file yourselves some tax returns before your local clock strikes midnight. Otherwise…well. I’m not exactly sure what will happen.

You’ll be scolded? An IRS official may speak to you in a serious voice, or send you a somewhat stern letter? Sure, I guess if you wait for a long while to file, and you owe a bunch of money to the government anyway, then you could incur some hefty fines. But if you’re an everyday, average Joe the Blogger, or Jane the Surgeon, then I don’t think you have any reason to fear.

We make such a huge deal about TAX DAY. The big DEADLINE. You and your family will SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST if you don’t file in time.

Sea levels will RISE. LOCUSTS will swarm. FIRE will rain from the sky. First born sons will be forced to work at OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE during their summer breaks from school. You know, typical end of the world stuff.

Come on people. That deadline’s a joke. I was just trying to demonstrate how ridiculous it is by comparing God’s wrath to the IRS. Pretty funny, huh?

That being said, I filed my tax return about 3 months ago. But it’s not because of any fear of the April 15th deadline. No sir. I was worried that there wouldn’t be any money left for my refund after all those bank bailouts.

Suffice it to say, that refund is safely stored under my mattress, along with 12 weeks of canned food, bottled water, signal flares, solar-powered flashlights, Tamiflu, and ‘Friends: Seasons 1-6” DVDs – just in case the world economy does indeed melt down entirely (I give it a 52.5% chance). But that's fodder for another post.

So if it doesn't look like you're going to owe much in taxes, or even expect a refund - and you just haven't had time to file - take your sweet ol' time. The IRS is plenty busy right now with the Bernie Madoffs and Tom Daschles of the world to worry about you.

Oh, and whatever you do, never, ever, never, never follow any of my advice when it comes to anything to do with taxes of any sort, anywhere, anyhow.

You still have about 10 minutes to file.


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