Monday, May 04, 2009

Breakfast in a Glass

I finished bottling my second batch of beer yesterday - a super-hoppy ale. Everything went smoothly – more so than the first try – and I’m pretty optimistic that this round will taste better as well. Of course, the omnipresent, latent fear of the bottles exploding in my cabinet still exists.

But I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. You see, if you bottle too early and the beer’s still fermenting, then the pressure in the bottles can grow so great, that you get a big fucking mess of broken glass and beer everywhere. At least, that’s the scientific explanation.

So now it’s on to planning my next brew. Now that I’m getting the hang of it – an assuming the bottles don’t explode – I’d like to try something a bit more complicated. Smoked Salmon Lager? Saag Paneer India Pale Ale? Pepperoni Parmesan Porter?

These are all great ideas. And would no doubt be delicious – even when sipped off floor through bits of broken bottle glass. But what about something a little more practical, and a little more revolutionary. A real category-buster, if you will.

The Breakfast Beer.

Fruity Pebbles Summer Ale. Bacon and Egg Brown Ale. Brown Sugar Cinnamon Oatmeal Stout. The list goes on and on. But the key ingredient that connects all of these delicious brews would be caffeine. Instead of your morning coffee, you could drink a few of these beers. In fact, they would truly be breakfast in a glass.

“Wake up your lazy ass. Have a breakfast in a glass.”

“When you’re too tired to chew, grab The Mill’s breakfast brew.”

“You’re an alcoholic, I fear. So start your day with breakfast beer.”

And so on and so forth. As you can see, the marketing initiative wouldn’t be a problem. Just add a catchy jingle to those rhymes – and James Earl Jones reading them - and you have yourself a great radio commercial. It’s practically guaranteed to sweep the nation.

Note: if you drive to work, you should limit yourself to three breakfast beers. But if you take the train, or carpool, then there’s no need to limit your intake. And so breakfast beer also encourages the use of mass transit, which limits the burning of fossil fuels, prevents global warming, and saves the world.

“Breakfast Beer: Saving the world one sweet sip at a time.”

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