Monday, May 25, 2009

Using My Legs for a Change

Everyone wants to be a part of the Green Revolution – the current movement espoused by politicians, auto companies, environmentalists, gun owners, dog owners, airlines, pharmacies, sports teams, and so on and so forth. Basically, everyone except for oil and coal companies want to get in on some Green Action, and help save the planet.

Being that I work for neither a coal nor oil company, I’m as in on the Green Movement as just about anyone else. I drive a car that gets over 15 miles per gallon. I do not burn wood or trash in order to heat my home. I am strongly opposed to human exhalation – as this releases deadly carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. I always try to exhale into empty 2-liter soda bottles, and when full, I add a few rocks and toss them into the river.

I’m just that dedicated to our Earth.

Not only that, but I’m also a pretty good runner. My legs are capable of powering my torso, head, and arms across land for several miles at a time – without stopping. Why, I ran 5 miles just the other day in under 45 minutes. Not kidding.

Of course, I understand that’s not fast enough to win the gold medal in running, or anything like that. But it’s plenty good enough to transport some well-heeled tourists from Times Square to Penn Station, or from JFK Airport to just outside JFK airport. Or from Chinatown to the West Village. Basically, as long as I don’t have to merge onto the highway, I’ll be okay.

All of this got me to thinking – and thinking hard – about a new business plan. I could be my own boss, get into fantastic shape, AND save the planet. The point of the business would be to transport people from point to point, without burning a drop of fossil fuels. I wouldn’t need any complicated equipment like a bicycle or a hang glider. The only things I’d need would be running shoes – and a boatload of Gatorade, especially during a New York summer.

Also, if only I had a space-age titanium rickshaw, with Teflon wheel bearings, and Wi-Fi access for passengers.

That’s right. I’m planning a rickshaw company. Clean, green transportation for the 21st century. But it’s also a throwback to olden times. And you know how much the kids love that retro shit nowadays.

Even during times of flood and pestilence, rickshaw driving is a fun and easy way to make a living.

Disco is making a comeback. Classic cars are totally cool amongst the hip-hop crowd. Renoir, Monet, and van Gogh are still very popular artists. And if I have my finger on the pulse of America as much as I believe I do, the rickshaw will once again rule supreme in terms of preferred mode of urban transportation.

I haven’t quite worked out the economics of the whole venture just yet. Is six bucks per mile too much? That should only take me about 8 minutes - as long as Mayor Bloomberg approves the dedicated rickshaw lane. Maybe I should also charge per passenger? How much of a surcharge will people pay to save their planet? Two dollars? Maybe three?

A rough, back of the hand calculation leads me to believe that I can make about 50 bucks an hour saving the planet with my legs. Twelve hours a day, 6 days a week (with only Saturday off, because it’s the Lord’s day) yields gross revenue of over $150,000 per year. Plus, I’ll be totally ripped from all the exercise – my shoulders will be cut up like razors from carrying the rickshaw, and my legs will look like the Incredible Hulk’s, except somewhat less green.

And on top of all that, the Earth will be saved from all that global warming shit.

Subscribe to my sweet feed


Version 2.0 said...

wow that was funny. I found this lil' ol' blog from browsing a Natalie Portman related site and the first post I read was obviously the Natalie Portman one. Actually, I read a quarter of that post and bookmarked it to read the rest later. So, later on, I was killing time and I finished up the rest and it was funny. After reading that one - I went on a "let's read some random guy's blog reading frenzy" but only 'cause I thought it was funny and i must've read at least 9 entry's which were all funny..the last one was like..the mothers days one or something. you're really like a comedian or something. are you? got some Jerry Seinfeld in you? But anyway, I didn't write this just to compliment you. I'm partially here to suggest some fresh and awesome(if i may so myself and i will) ideas for your budding business venture on the rick shaw market. so here it is: if you had like a dozen super buffed up dudes ON STEROIDS..(they were already buff before but they used steroids YEAH!!) at your disposal then that would be great for business, too, you know what I mean? Hook up Augustus to the rick shaw and slap on 7 people (unless your rick shaw's can't carry 7 then you might as well just stop) and he'll get all pumped up - especially when you yell stuff in his face and then he'll go raging through the streets - screaming the whole way there until he reaches the requested destination...from there they will pay him and then he'll super speed back and while he waits for more customers, he'd hit the nearest gym. I can totally imagine that. Make sure I'm paid my royalties and all that though..make sure..

Version 2.0 said...

fuck damn..after posting that comment I just noticed the size of it, longest comment take better take care of big billy you hear and by take care i mean read. by the way i forgot to mention how much of a douche bag that woman is for using that got no leg's guy's rick shaw service..i mean..damn who can just sit there and watch that son of a bitch struggle pulling her weight to wherever and still sit there..not me. or maybe she was hiring his services out of pity..throwing some money his way - in that case she's not one but still looks like one.

The Mill said...

Thanks for the props. I don't have a little Jerry Seinfeld in me, and don't really want one in me, to be quite frank.

That being said, I appreciate your support, and will try to continue to amuse you and anyone else who actually takes the time to read my blog.

Your suggestion of using steroid enhanced rickshaw drivers is illegal, insane, and brilliant all at the same time. It just might work. I'm looking into financing right now, but as you know the banks are a little tougher than they used to be. Eve nwith an idea as amazing as this.

Also, your length of comment was incredible. Congratulations - you win the longest comment award. Ever. I think comments are basically as important as the post itself, so thank you for not having anything else to do. Clearly, I'm the same way.

Please keep reading my shit, and show it to your friends! I'm glad you found the site. And I'm impressed that you admitted you found it via a Natalie Portman website. That is the true measure of a man.