Everyone wants to be a part of the Green Revolution – the current movement espoused by politicians, auto companies, environmentalists, gun owners, dog owners, airlines, pharmacies, sports teams, and so on and so forth. Basically, everyone except for oil and coal companies want to get in on some Green Action, and help save the planet.
Being that I work for neither a coal nor oil company, I’m as in on the Green Movement as just about anyone else. I drive a car that gets over 15 miles per gallon. I do not burn wood or trash in order to heat my home. I am strongly opposed to human exhalation – as this releases deadly carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. I always try to exhale into empty 2-liter soda bottles, and when full, I add a few rocks and toss them into the river.
I’m just that dedicated to our Earth.
Not only that, but I’m also a pretty good runner. My legs are capable of powering my torso, head, and arms across land for several miles at a time – without stopping. Why, I ran 5 miles just the other day in under 45 minutes. Not kidding.
Of course, I understand that’s not fast enough to win the gold medal in running, or anything like that. But it’s plenty good enough to transport some well-heeled tourists from Times Square to Penn Station, or from JFK Airport to just outside JFK airport. Or from Chinatown to the West Village. Basically, as long as I don’t have to merge onto the highway, I’ll be okay.
All of this got me to thinking – and thinking hard – about a new business plan. I could be my own boss, get into fantastic shape, AND save the planet. The point of the business would be to transport people from point to point, without burning a drop of fossil fuels. I wouldn’t need any complicated equipment like a bicycle or a hang glider. The only things I’d need would be running shoes – and a boatload of Gatorade, especially during a New York summer.
Also, if only I had a space-age titanium rickshaw, with Teflon wheel bearings, and Wi-Fi access for passengers.
That’s right. I’m planning a rickshaw company. Clean, green transportation for the 21st century. But it’s also a throwback to olden times. And you know how much the kids love that retro shit nowadays.
Even during times of flood and pestilence, rickshaw driving is a fun and easy way to make a living. Disco is making a comeback. Classic cars are totally cool amongst the hip-hop crowd. Renoir, Monet, and van Gogh are still very popular artists. And if I have my finger on the pulse of America as much as I believe I do, the rickshaw will once again rule supreme in terms of preferred mode of urban transportation.
I haven’t quite worked out the economics of the whole venture just yet. Is six bucks per mile too much? That should only take me about 8 minutes - as long as Mayor Bloomberg approves the dedicated rickshaw lane. Maybe I should also charge per passenger? How much of a surcharge will people pay to save their planet? Two dollars? Maybe three?
A rough, back of the hand calculation leads me to believe that I can make about 50 bucks an hour saving the planet with my legs. Twelve hours a day, 6 days a week (with only Saturday off, because it’s the Lord’s day) yields gross revenue of over $150,000 per year. Plus, I’ll be totally ripped from all the exercise – my shoulders will be cut up like razors from carrying the rickshaw, and my legs will look like the Incredible Hulk’s, except somewhat less green.
And on top of all that, the Earth will be saved from all that global warming shit.
