Thursday, June 12, 2008

Ripped Off At The Tap

It turns out that your favorite pub may be committing the worst of all possible crimes known to man – cheating you out of a small amount of your beer.

That’s right, according to this article.

I won't make you read the whole thing on your own. They use some big, multisyllabic words like "bartender," and "profitability." So here's the gist: An increasing number of barkeeps are cheating their customers out of at least 2 ounces of precious, disease-curing, life-sustaining beer per serving.

How do they do it?

More foam? No. That would be too obvious.

Dilute the beer with water or rubbing alcohol? No. Too obviously offensive to the taste buds, unless you’re used to drinking Olde English.

Magic joke pint glasses that appear normal but are actually slightly smaller than normal? Well, yes. That’s exactly what they do. Except it’s no joke. And the magic involved rests in the fact that the bottom of the glass is thicker than normal, thus making the volume of the glass slightly smaller.

I guess that’s not really magic at all. It’s really nothing more than a dirty little trick.

Anyway, the only surefire way to avoid this is to bring your own glass to the bar - which is what I recommend. You can keep it handy in your fanny pack or man purse.

If anyone mocks you for carrying a fanny pack or a man purse into that bar, explain to them that it’s the only way you can defeat tyranny and defend the Beer Drinker's Bill of Rights. And proceed to rant about how these beer criminals must be stopped immediately.

Shout about your sorrow over the injustice of an absolutely full pint of beer not ending up in the stomach of its rightful owner. And stand up on the table, stomp your feet, and scream at the top of your lungs, "A PINT IS 16 OUNCES, UNLESS THE BAR IS GOVERNED BY ABSOLUTE EVIL - AND THEN IT'S 14 OUNCES....LET'S GO FLIP OVER SOME COP CARS!!"

Then just grit your teeth, close your eyes, and prepare to be tased.

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