Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ikea Is Like The Bird Flu

It’s not everywhere yet - but wherever and whenever it pops up, it makes a huge splash.

For example, the new Ikea in Brooklyn, or the Indonesian bird flu outbreak in 2006.

People take notice. Newspapers run front page stories. Those living in the direct vicinity of the Ikea grand opening or bird flu epidemic complain and worry about the traffic congestion or high mortality rates, respectively.

Ikea and bird flu seem to most affect young people – those between the ages of 18 and 35 - with strong immune systems and weak furniture budgets.

If I had to say which of these is a greater threat to mankind – and as a big fan of fabulous bargains and austere Scandinavian design – I’d have to say the avian flu is the scarier of the two.

If you catch it, you’re pretty much fucked. That’s why my apartment is stocked with a full supply of Tamiflu, 100 years’ worth of canned bacon, and enough toilet paper to stretch from Brooklyn to the moon and back 40,000 times.

The only way to avoid bird flu AND get your recommended daily allowance of bacon is to stock up on these cans.

If anyone comes down with bird flu in the state of New York - heck, anywhere in the western hemisphere - I'll be snug as a bug in my apartment until it all blows over.

If a new Ikea lands in your neighborhood, you might have to put up with increased traffic, but it’s unlikely to be a serious threat to your health – unless you eat too many of those delicious Swedish meatballs!!

An army of Ikea employees prepares to battle high prices, and sling some meatballs.

So all in all, I think Ikea is a reasonably good addition to the neighborhood, especially in comparison to bird flu.

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Anonymous said...

Canned bacon? Really? Someone is about to get rich. I'll work on the canned baby back ribs.

The Mill said...

Good. You perfect the tangy, smoky ribs in a can. I'll somehow figure out a way to get beer in a can and then we'll be millionaires!!

Wait a minute.....